A Different Journey

The past few days I have been cleaning out the room that will become baby boys nursery. Among the items to move out are all the baby items I've hoarded over the years that are not meant for a little boy. I have quite a bit of little girl clothes and even crib bedding in paisley. The truth then set in, and oddly I find that I'm very content.

The truth is, Baby Boy may be our only child to come from my belly. At first, looking at all the adorable little girl clothes, I felt a little sad. But then Baby Boy kicked and I felt absolute calmness and extreme happiness. Fact is, even if I can carry again, we'll be facing the same journey it took to get where we are now with little man. While I'm happy I made it through everything we faced, I really don't want to go through it again, even if in the end there is an absolutely amazing reward. I don't think I can do it mentally nor physically. I'm being blessed with an absolute little miracle right now. God gave me what we've been praying for for 7 years almost. And Baby Boy is our, "Lucky number 7". I think God is pulling us in an alternate direction for baby number 2. He answered our prayers, and now, he's talking another direction for the future.

The topic of adoption has come up many times over the past several years. We had finally become content with that as our only option... but little did we know when we had that last talk, I was already pregnant (God sure does have some oddly perfect timing!). We had the talk while we were out shopping for the foster kids we adopted for Christmas. My heart felt so full (I was super emotional, and now I know that some of that is attributed to pregnancy hormones! LOL). My husband I spoke about fostering and eventually adopting. I was at peace we were on the same page and we had accepted a different journey, then God blessed us even more than we could have ever imagined.

Today, talking with my husband, we agreed to part with all the baby girl stuff we have packed away. We'd rather it go to someone who could use it now, vs it being in space saver bags stored in a plastic bin. We spoke about the realization that Baby Boy may be the last pregnancy. Then, we talked about adopting a baby girl down the road. I honestly think this is the path for us. It's a path we both agree on. 

I feel at peace and absolutely beyond blessed. This pregnancy has it's complications, but I was blessed with no real morning sickness and healthy growing boy who gives me little kicks to make me smile throughout the day.


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Learning to Hit the Curve

Browsing Facebook today made me realize it has been one year since this most recent deployment ended. Now, I find myself looking back on all the events of the past year. Needless to say, it has been a crazy year. 

There have been a lot of good times, but there has been many hard times. 

When you get married, you think about your happily ever after and want everything to be perfect. Well, life throws curve balls and sometimes you feel like you are continuously striking out. 

You know when he comes home from deployment there will be an adjustment period. You go through the lovey-dovey phase, then the cramped phase with a little bickering, and then it all levels out. At least, this is what I expected this go 'round; these were the phases we went through every other time. 

It's been a hard year, but I'm learning how to hit this damn curve ball. 

I knew my husband had a dependency on alcohol early on into our marriage, maybe even before we were married. For the most part before this recent deployment I ignored it. Maybe not ignored it, but I kept telling myself it was a phase he'd grow out of. I was lying to myself, and he was lying to himself when he said he didn't have a problem. 

Deployment 2012, my husband came home with a full blown addiction to alcohol. For at least 2 weeks after he came home, I never saw him sober. I'd come home from work to him drunk and I'd wake up in the morning to him still buzzed. Alcohol controlled my marriage. Honestly, I look back and think, "How did I get through those 2 months after deployment?". By far, being married to someone who has an addiction is the most challenging thing I have ever had to face. I never want to live those days over. 

I'm still swinging. 

As much as some days have made me want to throw my bat down and give up, I'm no quitter. Do I deserve some of the stuff I've been through this past year? Of course not. But, it's a challenge I accept because I know who my husband is and I know my husband is not defined by alcohol. Our marriage is not defined by alcohol. He is a better person for all this year has put us through. I am a stronger person. I feel this has taught us it's going to take a lot more to break us. 

We are still learning how to deal with everything. Every swing, we get a little closer to getting a solid hit on life's big curves.

No one can prepare you for what life is going to throw at you. You just have to keep swinging. 

Photo captured by Cocoa Bean Photography,
USS Enterprise homecoming November 4, 2012

Change of Pace

As many of you know, my journey has been a little on the chaotic side for about a year now. It seems most of 2013 has been full of challenge after challenge. Needless to say, I'm counting down to 2014 (about 100 days!) and to what I'm going to make a much better year.

My husband met his new command in July. We are still adjusting to the change of pace- but as you know with military life, once you're adjusted, something changes again. Squadron life for him, and even for me as his spouse is much different... and I like it. It's quiet. With the exception of 2-3 guys in his shop, everyone is single, so I haven't met anyone in his shop. He went in and in introduction put it out there that he is a recovering alcoholic and he said it really seems like everyone respects his decision. Occasionally they ask questions, but it's never pressuring him to drink, drinking around him, asking him to be a designated driver, or telling him they don't think he has a drinking problem. That's the biggest change I've noticed, and he has too. He's happier because the people around him respect his choices.

I haven't reached out to the FRG, and do not plan to at this point. I've received mail from FRG and it said something about consider running for an FRG position (assuming this was a general letter sent out to everyone), but my husband and I laughed and said no. I don't have time even if I wanted to right now between working at my "day job" and running my photography business, I don't sleep as it is.

We've been in Virginia for just over 4 years now. Even though we aren't moving for this new set of orders, and he was just sent him to a different base here, it's a noticeable change from an Aircraft carrier to a Squadron. I think I like it more than he does, but that's only because He works more and harder now than while he was with the Big E during the starting of the decommissioning.

The orders he received are only temporary. He'll be picking again soon for shore duty. We're unsure where it will take him for his job and us as a family. He looked at the options recently and if the options don't change, we'll be heading to Keywest, Cali or Japan. I can already tell you now, Japan won't be chosen by him because we made an agreement before he joined, that as long as Roo is alive, if he has to go overseas, we would geo-bachelor and I would stay here with our Dog-ter. It's complicated moving with a pit bull (banned in housing, some cities, etc), but we took on the responsibility to raise her, and she's not something we will just give away. It's a hard decision, but it was something we decided before he enlisted.

Friday, September 27th, we will be celebrating our 5 year anniversary. It's insane how fast time goes. This 5 years is proof that marriages can work if you work together and work on communication.

Finding my Identity

Image credit - Google

Lately, I feel as if the current situation my husband and I are in is identifying myself, my husband and our marriage. There have been tons of struggles over the past few months and now, I'm working on finding my Identity.

Who am I?

You'd think at 26 years old I would be able to answer that easily. But no, I'm wincing as I write this trying to figure it out.

I don't want to be defined by something so negative. "Oh hey, That's the wife of the guy who drank a bottle of Vodka on the ship and drove home and destroyed Christmas."- That's how I feel some people look at me, how some people define me.

I know, I know. I shouldn't care what people think. I have been taught to not worry about what others think of me, but realistically, at some point... I believe we all worry what everyone thinks.

I am smart, but sometimes I don't make great decisions. I am trusting, too trusting at times, but when you break it, it's almost impossible to earn my trust back. I vent through writing and sometimes say things I shouldn't or I post before I really cool off if I'm heated. I wear my heart on my sleeves and I can easily have my feelings hurt. I'm opinionated. When I have a belief, I won't back down. I'm a fighter for the things I love.

... I am a fighter.

I fight for my marriage, I fight for myself. I won't give up.

I. Keep. Going.

That is what I see in myself right now. I will never give up.

Screw what anyone else thinks, even if sometimes it may bother me. I'll keep going, I won't give up and in the end, I'll be better. Maybe then, people will say, "That girl's a fighter".

I Walk The Line

You have a blog. You created your blog to vent, to share your experiences, to show people the positives, and with the blog you're welcoming people to view your life.

When you publicly blog, sometimes boundaries need to be set. There's a line you walk and parts of your life you don't want to share with the world. Many things stay private and I believe many things should stay private.

From day one, I had set boundaries. There is a line I wouldn't cross, and that line being I would never write a blog that would portray my husband and/or my marriage in a negative way, UNLESS.. the situation turned into something positive that he and I both could learn from. I also set limitations on how personal I would get when talking about my husband, what he does, etc.

I created this blog as an outlet, but also as a way to share my experiences of being married to a man with a career in the military. To show that this lifestyle can be fun and it doesn't have to be negative as everyone portrays it. Today, I feel like I'm walking the line; Bottling up something I feel the need to talk about, which is Navy related but also crosses the line of being one of the many things that should probably remain private.

If you're wondering why my blog has been "quiet" lately, there is a lot going on on the homefront. It's a bad situation that has ultimately turned positive, but it is a battle for my husband and it's not my story to tell. I feel if I was to talk about how what he is going through affects me, I would feel a weight lifted off my shoulders, and potentially have advice for someone else. However, it is too personal when it comes to my husband and his job.

For now, I feel I have nothing to blog about... I take that back, nothing I can blog about.

Timber!

I hate trees. I use to love them, but after the past couple weeks, I have decided the next house we purchase will not have trees anywhere near the house that are taller than our house. Seriously, Trees, You suck.

If you follow my Facebook fan page, Instagram or on Twitter,  you know I have been doing a lot of yard work this deployment. When my husband left, our yard wasn't as you would say, "Pretty".

The front yard was missing grass from the installation of our driveway after purchasing the house. I had finally got the grass to look good and planted flowers in the front. Yay for me!

The back yard was covered with leaves and was mostly just dirt. Every week I would get out there and rake leaves and work to make the yard look good. It was far from being my dream yard, but it was green and very few bald spots.

The left image is after weeks of work. Yard was green and I had filled some holes along the fence with top soil as well as bagged TONS of leaves. The right image was the project I was starting. All the grass (what was there) was going to be removed and I was going to level the area out and begin working on my husband's awesome patio surprise.

Then, when having someone come quote to finish off our privacy fence, I received bad news that the tree closest to our house was not only dead, but hollowed out. Problem? This tree was EXTREMELY close to our house and more than double the height of our house. If it were to fall, it would take out 3 bedrooms and 2 bathroom at the very minimum. Yikes.

Before believing this man, I sent photos of the tree to my father-in-law who is an expert with trees. He then told me what I expected, but didn't want to hear. The tree had to come down.

I had more than 5 companies give me quotes. The tree was so large and so close to our house it wasn't going to come cheap. Of course, I chose the guy I felt the most comfortable with, and just so happened to be the guy with the lowest price. Within 2 days, he had his team at my house to get the tree down.

The company is called Great Scott. And they were Great! They stayed until dark and had the tree down in one day. I was nice and made them Lemonade and cookies. I figured it was the least I could do with them being out in the sun all day and not taking breaks. Man, were they ever appreciative!

As you can see, my green yard was starting to turn to muck. 

They struggled with the stump with it being as large as it was. The bobcat spun it's tires when it tried to get under the chainsaw cut they put in at the base to pull it up. They ended up having to go from top to bottom with the chainsaw ans splitting the base in two. The tree ended up taking two truck loads to haul off, not including the limbs they turned into sawdust. 

My yard, a mess. But, when there is a bobcat and a tree falling in your yard.. what can you do? They even had to take out part of my fence to get the bobcat in the back yard. They did go above and beyond by re-installing the gate for me. My back yard has about a 10 foot section that is green. My front yard is also a mess, but nothing compared to the back. 

Before, my yard was very shaded. And although it is still shaded, there is a HUGE section to my yard that was not there before due to the tree and the sun is bright! I've noticed my house stays a bit warmer now too. Which, may be good for winter. Now that summer is here, my central air may be running a tad bit more. But, for the yard space, I'm OK with that. 

Now, my tree issues didn't stop there. Just a few days after having this beast of a tree cut down, I guess the Gumball tree, also in my back yard, felt neglected. A rather large limb from the top of the tree broke loose and crushed the roof of my husband's shed. The shed he finished building just 3 days before he deployed in March. 

Coming home from working to see this, my only thoughts were, "Really?!".
The limb even moved the shed over a few feet as well as ripped apart and through the metal on the roof. The limb was only inches away from hitting our lawn mower.

Thankfully for us, the tree company that took down the beast of a Red Oak for me, came by and removed the limb (which was inside the shed, over the fence and on the neighbor's garage. It was no little limb!). AND, they did it for me for free, saving me nearly $500. They even looked at the Gumball tree for me to give me a status on the condition of the tree. The tree is in GREAT health, however, they did tell me that Gumball trees are notorious for loosing limbs as the the limbs get so large and too heavy for the tree. So, now I'm debating as to cut down the Gumball tree or not. It wouldn't be any time soon, as we have had to shell out a lot of money in a very short amount of time. My pocketbook needs a break!

Now, sometime in the very near future, there will be a pretty little wood shed where this mangled metal shed still currently sits until I figure out what the heck I need to do with it. 

I wanted the wood shed to begin with, but he wanted to save a couple hundred dollars with the metal. Now, I am making the investment to get the "Prettier" lawn ornament. 

So, Here's to no more tree issues, PLEASE!

I love trees, I really do. But I do not like when they add to my deployment to-do list and when they cost as much as they do. Now, I'm back at square one for working on my yard. Grass seed has been poured, now, finger's crossed it will grow. I really want a pretty yard. 

Thankfully, there are no trees that are a major threat to our house in our yard. My biggest threat is my neighbor's kids. But that's for a whole different blog. 

Getting back to Me

I'm trying to get better at this whole blogging thing. especially since I just noticed I was nominated for best military spouse blog. Seriously, that has made my day, my week, my month.. ya get my point. I'm a little giddy.

If you would like to vote for this blog, go to THIS LINK and click the "thumbs up" by the nomination for The Journey of a Navy Wife.

I figured I would blog a little while I have some Chicken Alfredo cooking up- I'm cheating, It's a frozen, bagged  dinner. I'm ok with that. I've had this stuff before (the brand slips my mind at the moment) and I love it. For $2.50 (they were on sale), I have dinner tonight and lunch (or dinner) tomorrow. Heck yeah! :D

Aside from the nomination, I had another HUGE pick me up today. I came home from work to a Canvas wrap I had ordered of my husband and myself. I'm in LOVE with it. Love Love Love LOVE it. 

Yes. I am in a much better mood today. :D

I think venting some (last blog) helped. I'm feeling MUCH better. 

Anyway, here is my AWESOME 24x36 Canvas Wrap I ordered for above mine and my husband's bed:

I haven't told my husband about it yet. I don't plan on it either. He can just see it when he comes home! :D

I have decided I'm not going to tell him about a lot of my little "projects" and doings around the house. I want him to be surprised- Ok, I want to think he'll be surprised. But I know he won't pay attention to any of it because he's been gone for so long, looking around at all the new, and the old that has been redone is going to be the last on his mind. I mean.. I purchased a house last deployment, and he came home to it like he had been here for over a year. He wasn't focused on anything but me and the bed... and that was because he was tired. You have a dirty mind. 

I feel like I have an insane amount of free time... and what's crazy, I really don't. I have my photography that I do full time as well as my graphics business.. PLUS I picked up a part time job at a clothing store to keep even more busy. Where is all this extra time I feel like I have? 

I guess I'm just not busy enough, which I know is far from the truth. I think after being limited so much last week, I feel like I'm in overdrive now to make up for all the time I was being required to "take it easy". 

So, here's to getting back to "ME". The happy, smiling, nauseatingly positive ME.

OH, for my bloggy friends: I'm going to try to make it to the conference this year! Yay! :D

Again, If you would like to vote for this blog, go to THIS LINK and click the "thumbs up" by the nomination for The Journey of a Navy Wife. ;)

When I turn 25..

Dear soon to be 25 year old self (February 20),

Times up! All the things you had wanted to accomplish by the age of 25, you didn't do all of them. Slacker.

But I'm proud of you. 

When you're 16 years young, 25 seems forever away. You're supposed to have everything figured out by then, all your dreams should have come true by now... psh. You lied to yourself. 

By the time you turned 25, you had a list of things to accomplish- things that you saw as being the right thing to do- things you needed to do by 25. 

Here were your top things to do by the time you turned 25:

Go to college

Get married

Buy a house

Buy a new car- SUV (mommy vehicle)

Have a career

Have 2 kids

Go to college: You should have been more specific. Maybe you should have told yourself to "finish college". So, in a sense, you accomplished this Goal. You went to college for one year. I don't think you realized how much the real world cost... and even though you paid for your own things (car, insurance, phone, clothes), there were a lot of expenses you didn't think to consider. 

Get married: You succeeded. At 25, you have been happily married for more than 3 years. Although, at 16, marriage was a Fairy Tale. And in ways, it is your very own Fairy Tale. But it's also a lot of work to keep things working smoothly. You've learned so much about what a relationship is and how a Man is supposed to treat you. He would do anything in the world for you. He pushes you to be better and to go after your dreams. You always said you'd marry your best friend, and you did, you just didn't know him then.

Buy a new car: Speaking of that great husband... He's too good to you. He took you to a dealership where the two of you purchased you your first SUV, and first new vehicle. Only the second car you've owned since you have been able to drive. Go you!

Buy a house: You cut it close, but in July of 2011 you crossed another mile-stone. You and your husband purchased your first house. Small, but more than enough room for you, your husband, 3 crazy animals and one day.. a little one. Now, get busy on all those home projects you want to do you found on Pinterest!

Have a career: You're still working on this. You're starting to really get somewhere with your photography career. You're still in the beginning stages, but you've learned so much to better your business and skills since becoming serious about photography to make it more than an obsessive hobby. Every session you improve. You can see it yourself. If you see it, I'm sure others do as well. Keep it up. You'll have the career you want if you stay on the path you're on now.

Have 2 kids: Fail. But good things come to those who wait- even if it's not by your choice, but your body refusing to hold a baby right now. When it happens, you're going to be a good momma. Just stop being so hard on yourself right now. If you can't have babies, there are other options. Even if it is hard to stomach not having your own. Afterall, you use to say you didn't want to have kids of your own. You wanted to adopt because there were too many unwanted kids that need a family to love them. You may get your wish after all. I know you say you're ok with waiting until you're 28 to really be serious about kids, but I know you. You're bothered because you want a baby so bad, and it's hard knowing every time your  body says no. I know you're just scared of facing yet another miscarriage. Keep your head up. Big man upstairs has something planned for you.

It's crazy how fast time flies. How much you've grown up in 9 years. 

So much changes. 

Happy 25th Birthday.

Here's looking at you kid,

Your [almost] 25 year old self

Back to Normal?

The husband has been home over a month now. I assumed we would be on some sort of "Normal" scheduled by now... but that's hardly the case.

I can't say I know what's "normal" anymore!

This whole deployment I have said I can't wait to  have a normal schedule with him when deployment is over. Before deployment, he was working a CRAZY schedule. We hardly spent any time together the year leading up to deployment.

I guess his crazy schedule became our "Normal".

Now that deployment is over, we are adjusting to the many changes from the past 6 months. We're moved into our new house, and now.. we're constantly trying to put our own touches on it.. as well as trying to find time to finish unpacking! We bought a new car. Now, even the bill schedule is thrown off because I had to add a new bill in that we didn't have before. Here lately, there's no planning anything. It's all been last minute- "Hey, let's go do 'this'". Which is all in good fun, I would just like SOMETHING to be planned. I NEED some sort of Organization in my life right now!

Is it bad that the only organized thing around me right now is my Pinterest account?
Don't answer that.

My husband's work schedule isn't steady. It's a day to day thing- which doesn't bother me.. It's nice just having him home.

Honestly, the lack of organization right now is stressing me out a bit. The Husband knows it too. Thankfully, he's awesome and has a huge help with everything [at times]. I admit. My husband is a bit of a slob... a BIG slob. But occasionally, he'll clean the kitchen, or pick up the living room... or he'll cook dinner.

When there's so much going on, or every day seems so busy with no break.. I get burnt out. I'm exhausted. I need a day to sit on my Booty and drink a cup of coffee while watching Golden Girls.

This week has been pretty stressful. Lots of running and getting things done, late night emergency vet Trip because Roo bit Converse (my poor kitten now has a broke nose), earthquake yesterday- which I admit wasn't scary too much... just a bit shocking, Kid Rock concert and today.. I'm just wore out.



Not to mention the doctor appointments I've had recently.

I'm so tired. I slept all day today, and I am still exhausted, but there is not sleep in sight. Insomnia.

I'm getting up early tomorrow to pick up the hubby from duty and then we are heading to the command picnic. I'm hoping to squeeze in an afternoon nap.

What is Normal?

Rumors

What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth.

I hate rumors. They just start unnecessary drama. Who wants that? I surely don't.

Why do people start fictitious rumors, or just say things that aren't true?

Ok, there's a reason I'm asking this. I'll get to it.

Evidently there are "Rumors" going about that I will be the first wife to cheat on my husband when deployment comes. I guess they made a bet? Supposedly this was started by the guys in my husband's old division. My husband heard about it from me, I heard about it from a friend who heard if from an friend whose husband told her and is in my husband's old division. Did I confuse you? If so, reread it... it'll catch on.

I know, and my husband know that it's not true. I guess that is all that truly matters. However, it bother's me because I pride myself in being different. I pride myself in having morals. I pride myself in knowing that I love my husband and he is the only one that I want for the rest of my life. I don't dress slutty, I don't throw myself out there, I don't flirt with other guys.. I really don't talk to other guys except for my brother or an occasional text or phone call from a guy I've known since I was 8-9 years old and is considered my brother.. AND HE'S MARRIED! 

I have been avoiding blogging about it... but deployment is creeping up, and it likes to pop back in my head. It bothers me because I don't know why someone would think that of me. I don't really know why all of a sudden I care what someone thinks about me.. This is just something that really just hurt my feelings. I think it's because some of the guys that supposedly said it.. or "Bet" that I'd be the one to cheat are supposed to be my husband's friends and guys that we have hungout with together, and I considered them my friends as well. 

It will not happen. I will prove all you bastards wrong. I love my husband. I love our Marriage and everything we have going for our future. 

It's just that.. a petty high school rumor. For all I know, it could be nothing. Just someone starting more high school drama.

I feel better now.

I'm Baaaaack ;)

It's 3 am and the hubby and I are still awake. I are on his work schedule (he works Nights), and he has this weekend off. We probably won't go to bed until 5am-ish. He will sleep until probably 2ish and I will be up around noon probably earlier. I don't sleep much, and that's actually a lot of sleep for me. I don't know if I ever mentioned it.. but I have a mild case of insomnia and can go without sleep for a while.

We went and watched the "A-Team". It was super funny. Kept us laughing. We wanted to go see "Grown Ups", but Cinema Cafe in Hampton isn't showing it, so we're going to wait for it.
Now, I'm blogging.. while he is playing the newest UFC game for XBox. I think he's addicted. Thank goodness it's a rental. haha

Nick's family was in town Sunday night through Wednesday morning. My house is still a mess (hence the reason I have yet to post pictures of the new place!). We enjoyed them being here, but with all the stress we've been under.. it was good to have this weekend to ourselves so we could relax. Finally getting some time with the husband since he's been back in port. Much needed.

It was great seeing his sister. We had not seen her in over a year and a half. She's married to a Soldier and they are stationed in Italy. We finally got to meet our Nephew! He turned a year old earlier this month. He's such a cutie.. a chubby little cutie! He made me want a baby even more. And seeing my husband with him was hilarious, made me smile. He was so scared to hold him... and even play with him for fear he would drop him. His sister had to force him to hold the baby. Tuesday he started to warm up to the little guy. I smile just thinking about it. We took the family to the beach. Our nephew loved it. It was his first beach trip. Enjoy some pics ;)

Isn't he adorable?
Yes. He is.

PS. I'm Back! I have a smile on my face and my positive upbeat (sometime overly positive) attitude back. Whew! Sometimes we just need a moment to step back and recollect ourselves.

Any time that I feel down, or start to feel sorry for myself.. I re-read this quote:

When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, & to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through.

 I know I've used the quote before in a post. It really helps me. I read that quote and It makes me want to be a better person, to help people. Helping others makes me happy. Which is why I have and am learning so much about the Navy life. I like to think that I have helped several ladies, and hope to continue that. In all honesty, Helping others, helps me. It's one of the reasons I have created my blog.  I will also be applying for an ombudsman position with my husband's ship. Finger's crossed. (oh yeah, failed to mention.. I didn't make the FRG board. But that doesn't mean I won't be involved. Congrats to the ladies who did make it!)

Thank you to all my lovely followers. It means a lot to have you as a reader. I'm sorry I have been somewhat of a recluse lately. I haven't been stopping by many blogs lately, but now that the stress is residing, I will get back to my normal routine ;)

Oh! I will be hosting a new competition soon. Bigger prizes than the last one. I don't care for the whole numbered post things.. So, it will be similar to my last competition since it was so successful, but on a different topic of course ;). When I hit 150 followers, I will begin the whole setting up the next competition and prizes.

Thanks for Reading! :D <- Big cheesey smile

Not keeping it bottled up

Seems like I have been posting less and less lately. There's been a lot going on, and somethings are better left unsaid.. well, better to not blog about.

I have been stressed to the MAX! So has the husband. His work schedule (not including the workups!), The move, Family visiting and a few other things.. has just really stressed us lately and has given us no breathing room, not to mention.. the hubby and I haven't gotten any time together. Guess that adds to the stress? Oh, not to mention I now know when they are deploying, found out the official (for now) deployment date. It's creeping up. I'm prepared, well.. as best as I can be.

I get jealous when the ship lets the guys off, and my friends get their husband for an extra day. Because my husband is "Essential Personnel", he doesn't get any days off that aren't his designated days off, not to mention he works 13hr shifts, night shift at that. It's draining. More so than the intense workup schedule that we have been undergoing since April. I know I shouldn't get jealous, it's the military... but I won't really get any time with my husband before deployment.

It's sad that I feel like I get to talk to him more when he's out to sea than when he's home. I see him for roughly one hour a day and that's while he's getting ready for work.  Yea sure, he does get 2 days off, but he sleeps practically the entire first day and the second he is still exhausted. I can't blame him for wanting to relax. Hell, if it were me working like he does, I would want to sleep every chance I got. At the same time that I understand.. I feel alone.9

I've gotten to the point where I feel like the kid who is always picked last for Kickball. If that was ever you growing up.. you know how bad that sucks. I'm a very patient person. And I know I'm a damn good wife. I am very understanding, but after a while.. it gets to me.
There's a little more to it than that, but I'm not going to get into it. Damnit, I just need some attention from my husband.

My husband and I have been trying for a baby for a few months now. It's been kept quiet, but If I talk about things, I feel better. My husband and I struggle in this department. What I mean by that is we have had several miscarriages since July of '08. One very recent. Another stress we've been facing. I've kinda come to grips with the recent one, but at the same time.. I find myself blaming myself. I know it's not my fault. But I think blaming yourself is the easiest way to accept it. I beat myself up thinking that my husband will not love me if I cannot give him a family. I know that's not true. I know he'll still love me. He actually wasn't sure he wanted kids until we found out we were pregnant in late June of '08. He got so excited. Seeing his face, the way he looked at me and rubbed my belly.. was the greatest thing I have ever felt or seen. Beginning of July '08 I miscarried. I found out I had been pregnant since April and had no clue it had been that long. I had just found out I was pregnant. I still think about that one all the time. I was about 3 months along. It's hard not to think about. I just keep telling myself that right now is not the right time for us. It will happen when it's supposed to. I'm going to be going to the doctor in the near future, so maybe I'll get some insight as to what's going on with my body. I haven't even told family we're trying for a baby. I guess I'll find out if any of my family reads my blog now.

I'm not depressed, although this isn't exactly the most positive blog post. I'm generally a very happy person. Not to say that I'm not happy right now, I'm just stressed. It happens to the best of us. I know that for me, it's best to let it all out and not keep it bottled up. It will only intensify the stress.

I would really like to thank Goodnight Moon for being totally awesome. She has been the one I feel like I can talk to about everything. I so wish she and I lived closer together!
Thank you to the couple other ladies I have talked briefly to as well.

Well, I'm going to leave this post as is. I'm going to post again later with some pics from my husband's family visiting. We finally got to meet our Nephew. He's a year old!
I've seen several ladies comment me wanting info for photo sessions. Shoot me an email at CRushGFX@yahoo.com, I've been away for a while and had a lot of comments and wasn't able to keep up! I apologize for this!

He's Home! He's Gone.. Pack,Unpack.. (week in review!)

 {Pic Heavy Post!}

I've been kind of MIA lately. Been a lot going on. All good though ;)

Got everything packed up while the Hubs was underway. By the way, I am SO over seeing boxes! haha. I thought I was going to have to move everything on my own, but luckily the Hubby got to come home early. Yay! :D <- there's that big cheesey smile again. (ps.. he's at sea again already)

Got some really good pics of the ship and a friend's 2 kids when the ship pulled in, :)

Since he got to come home early, he was actually in for his 21st. I know.. I know. I'm a cradle robber. He's 2 years younger haha. Anyway, back to the point. We went out for his birthday. I was the lovely Designated Driver for the night (fine by me.. I rarely drink). We had a blast. Yes, he got sick. It was expected and planned, haha. I still keep picking on him for the fact that I held liquor better on my 21st than he did. He blames getting sick on me. I bought him a Pineapple Upside down Cake shot.. and he said it was Nasty. I think he didn't like it because he took it right after a scooby shot. I'm sure the flavors clashed.. or it might have had something to do with the Liquid Cocaine shot {gag.. 21st flashback!}... or one of the many other shots that were bought for him that night. Needless to say, 130pm the next day... he was still drunk. Hangover hit later that evening.

To the left: The Hubby and myself. I love that pic of us:)
To the right: The hubby and his princess bag from one of his friends.
In the bag was a Gnome yard ornament sporting the TN Vols.

1. Liquid Cocaine    2. Feeling pretty good (several shots in)     3. Scooby shot

4. Scooby shot = gone.  5. Pineapple Upside Down Cake shot.. aka.. the one that made him sick  
6. a couple minutes before he got sick.

I spent Memorial day Packing.. Packing.. Packing. Did I mention I was tired of boxes? I lit a candle at 2pm for all the fallen Sailors, Marines, Airmen and Soldiers.

We went and signed the final paperwork for our new place and inspected it. He had to work, So I started moving little things in.. boxes, boxes.. more boxes. Then the next day was the official move day. Couple of the guys came to help us. Bought Beer and Pizza for helping us. I think the Beer is what got them over here haha. They literally threw my couch off the balcony {FIINAALY get to get a new couch!}. The hubby broke my coffee table.. wasn't too upset about that either.. wanted a new one anyway ;). Didn't really have time after getting everything in the new place to unpack anything. We were beat. So.. we slept. The next day.. he's back to sea.
Now, I'm left with the unpacking. More dealing with boxes, and finding furniture.

Left: Goodbye ugly couch!      Right: This will eventually be our living room

I have been unpacking for a couple days now.. and looks as if I have gotten NOWHERE! It may have something to do with the fact that I have spent most of these past couple days couch shopping. I ended up getting a couch and loveseat, and then threw in a coffee table, end table, and new bedroom furniture as a treat to myself haha. Well, we did need it and honestly, I got a hell of a deal. 2 rooms of nice furniture and I spend just $1400.. Of course we financed it, but it's all in my hubs name to build his credit. I have a fun (I got extremely pissed!) story that I'll blog about after this post. Don't want to drag this on to be a HUGE post.. well, it's there already. Ok, now that I'm done being sidetracked... haha. Our new furniture will be here on Tuesday. I can't wait!
{I'll post pics or the before and after when everything's put in it's place}

Our neighbor's are really nice.. well one's really weird. That's a story for another time. The other family is an Airforce family. The son is my little buddy. He'll talk my ear off. He's about 10 years old. I've talked to him about what he thinks of his dad being in the military. I'll have to post about that later too. ;)

For now.. I have to get back to cleaning and unpacking. Which means, more boxes. Welcome to my exciting life ;) haha. I'll be getting out tomorrow though (maybe this evening to take pictures for a friend). Tomorrow, going to see Jason Aldean in VA Beach. Woot! Yes, I said woot. :P

Hope ya enjoyed the pics! :D

Blessed

I have been so focused on Packing lately.. I haven't been able to keep up with all the comments I have been getting. I'm pretty much had the computer turned off to keep me from getting distracted and I have just been using my phone for mobile email and facebook. Today, I have to share what I experienced today.

I had to make a run to Wally World to get some more bubble wrap. Today is really my last chance to get everything fully packed up before the move to the townhouse. I almost didn't leave the house today, I started to say.. "Screw it if they get broke" and box them up anyways. Knowing this wasn't the smartest choice for me.. I threw on some clothes (didn't want to go in the Hubby's boxers and a tank top haha) and Finally went.

As I was pulling up to the Red Light to leave Wal Mart, I saw a man sitting at the corner by the light. He was dirty, looked as if he hadn't showered or shaved in days and his clothes were dirty and were wearing holes in them. The man also looked as if he hadn't eaten in a while. His clothes were loose and he had to constantly pull his pants up.

He wasn't asking for money, he wasn't saying he was Homeless. He simply had a small sign that said he was looking for work and that anything would help. 

I knew I had a couple bucks in my pocket, so I honked the horn and the man walked to the window. I handed him what was in my pocket.. which was exactly $2. He teared up as he took it and said "God Bless you". My heart broke. All I had was $2 bucks. What is that going to buy this man?

As the man was walking back to his backpack that was leaning up against the light post, I noticed his backpack was ragged and just dingy as the man was. I also noticed an Army patch sewn to his backpack. I wasn't and am still not sure if this man was ever in the service, but I knew I needed to help. My heart broke for this man.

I went straight home. I had just bought the husband a bunch of little snackable foods for the ship.. and I knew this man needed them far more than my husband would, and I know that my hubby would have smiled if he knew what I was about to do.  I filled a grocery bag with a couple bottles of water, several packages of cheese crackers, tunafish and crackers, a few cans of Vienna sausages and a couple apples. I grabbed the keys and headed out the door. On my way back to the Red light at the Wal Mart parking lot entrance, I stopped at Burger King and got his man a burger, fries, and a coke. Stuck the B.K. bag into the grocery bag and made my way to the redlight. I knew it wasn't much, but I did was I was able to.

I pulled back up to the light, the man noticed me again. I waved him over again and he walked up and I handed him the bag and Said, "I hope you like Burger King!". The man smiled and his eyes teared up as he told me, "You don't know how much this means to me. God Bless you. Thank you so much Miss." I smiled. Said it's not much, but it's all I can do. He smiled and noticed my shirt. I'm wearing a "Navy Wife" shirt. He then said, "Thank you so much, it's more than you know. Tell you husband thank you for his service.".

As I was driving home, all I can think about this man. He is probably in his early 50's. I don't know who he is, where he came from or anything about his past. All I saw was a man that needed help, and all he was asking for was "work" as if he didn't want it handed to him. I obviously couldn't give him a job, but I wasn't going to let this man go hungry.. at least not for today, and I gave him enough that he should be good for tomorrow as well.

It really makes me stop and think about things.. I got the reminder that there is always someone who needs help, even if they don't ask for it.
Makes me think of the quote from the book Dear John that I love:
"When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, & to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through."
... But in this case, I'm truly blessed with everything I have. Some people have nothing.

Military Spouse FREEBIE- MyCaa Books

I am not sure how many of you are familiar with MyCaa (Military One Source), but I'm going to post this anyways because I know there are several people who don't know about this. I had 4 friends email me this week alone to ask about it, so by posting this, I'm sure that at-least one person will learn something new.

First off, let me start off by saying I love MyCaa. And not just because of the $6,000 spouse grant you can get for schooling.

If you like to read, you're going to love this.


Did you know that MyCaa gives away 10 books a year of your choice (from the options they have) to military spouses every year? Yes, 10 free (even shipping!!) books every year!

It's quite awesome.

The books change regularly, Sometimes they may not have a lot that you are really interested in, but the next week they will have TONS. I have already had 6 or 7 sent to me this year. Mostly military related, but not always. They have a Fiction and Nonfiction section. in the Nonfiction they have a lot of self help books. Like things for stress, deployments, PTSD, money management, etc. (I recently got one, "What to expect when you're pregnant".. no, not pregnant.. I'll blog about that later.).

A few ladies and I were chatting about books the other day, and I was asked for some recommendations, I gave a few suggestions and then remembered MyCaa. Thought it would be a good idea to share with all of you. None of these ladies knew about it, so I was happy to help.

You do have to have an account with MyCaa. The website made me make a separate account from the spouse grant portion. If you're just searching the site for the free books, it's a pain to find and you may actually never find them. I honestly cannot remember how I got to them. I've known about it for almost 2 years now. {side note.. Wow, I've been married almost 2 years!! :D <- big cheesey smile}. So, I will also share links to the Fiction and Nonfiction books.

Remember, the book list will change often, so I don't suggest getting all 10 at once and having to wait until the next calendar year to get more... unless you see 10 you absolutely want. I know right now, Chicken Soup for the Military Wives Soul is currently on there. That's a must read in my opinion!

Ok, now for the links:

For fiction books:
https://www.militaryonesource.com/MOS/FindInformation/Category/Topic/Issue.aspx?IssueID=1288&TopicID=482&MaterialTypeGroupIDOpened=-1
(Like I stated earlier, they don't tend to have as many fiction books)

For Nonfiction books:
https://www.militaryonesource.com/MOS/FindInformation/Category/Topic/Issue.aspx?IssueID=1289&TopicID=482&MaterialTypeGroupIDOpened=-1


Ok, there's my post for today. :) Hope someone learned something new, and is as excited as I was when I first found them!

You're so Vain, I bet you think this blog is about you!

 (blog title change thanks to the ones who commented and got it stuck in my head! haha)

First off, I was to thank everyone for commenting on my blogs. I love writing my blogs, and it's one of those things.. if you don't like what I have to say.. No one is forcing you to read it.

I know you're sitting there wondering "What the heck are you getting at?!" So I'll get to it.

I write about my own feelings, my own experiences, my own beliefs and Military life as a Navy wife. When I blog, I am not blogging about anyone. I will blog about situations I see (usually lots of the same situations until it builds up and triggers a blog), and I blog about my beliefs. Like my last blog, things I see happening triggered me to write on my beliefs. My belief being that  No one, military wife or not, should put their personal confrontations with their husband out there for the world to see on Social Networking sites, this include harsh name calling. This is just my belief and everyone has their own beliefs. You have the option to agree with me. And you don't have to agree with me in the comments you send. We were given something called "Free will", meaning you are your own person. I like hearing other's take on things, even if it means disagreeing with me.

Ok, that is still not the main point of this. Evidently {exaggerated), 2 of my blogs are a little too "touchy". My blogs "Making Problems Public Domain" and "Blame Yourself", have sparked a little unwanted drama. And no, it's not here on Blogger. Someone, somehow got it in their head that both blogs were about them. When in all actuality, my blogs are about noone. I take that back.. there are a few about me and my husband, so Technically they are about MY LIFE. Repeat: My Blogs are about MY feelings, My experiences, My >beliefs< and being a Navy wife. Nothing else.

So, if anyone thinks anything I write is about you.. well, then maybe you have some personal guilt that ties you in with what I post about. BUT it WAS NOT WRITTEN ABOUT YOU. YOU made it about yourself. (Guess that makes you selfish?).

And to end this, this post was to clear up any "Confusion" if there was someone else out there who is hellbent over this being about them. Once again, this isn't about you.

End rant.

Even Superwoman has a Bad Day

Today was the day I finally allowed myself the chance to process that my husband was away. So, in other words.. today was a not so good day. I started this blog so others could see the ups and downs of my life. To see my Journey as a Navy Wife. Well, here's my first "down". I'm going to write this as if I was writing my husband, because he knows me best, and understands me more than anyone in this world. That being said, I will be able to express how I feel a little better and feel comfortable writing.

Dear Mr. Amazing (yes I really do call my husband this. He truly is.),

Today I got really bummed out when you didn't write. I got my hopes up for an email when I started to feel a little Blah. I had to remind myself that everything is ok. That I'm strong enough and it's ok to have days where I feel alone, that it's normal. I know you're not going to be able to email me every day. I just have to remind myself of that on the days it feels harder. I just have to think positive and not let negativity fill my head, because it will eat at me. I'm better now, I promise. I guess I was due for a little time to just let it out. I've been doing so well at just keeping busy and staying positive, I was bound to crack at some point. I know you love me, and that if you could you would email me or better yet call me if you could. I know you have only been gone a short time, but I didn't get the chance to process the fact that you were even leaving. That you weren't on a "Duty" day. That's what it felt like. Every day I have felt like you were going to come home the next morning. Even though I know you haven't had Duty in Months. I guess that's a good way to look at it, I wish I felt that way earlier so I wouldn't have almost broke down.
We both knew I had a day coming. And I really tried my best not to let it bother me, but this is the first time I have sat down long enough to let my mind wonder. I hope that by me writing you this, it will help me and also help you to understand that I am ok even on my "off" days. I want to be positive and supportive. I want to be understanding, and I know I am.. I just need a day to recollect myself I guess. I can't rely on an email to come to make me feel better. I have to rely on myself and our love, thoughts of you and of us to help keep my head up and be the best damn wife I can possibly be. I know we joke that I'm "Superwoman" or whatever. But I guess even Superwoman has a bad day every now and then. After all she is a woman.. and we both know that sometimes hormones get the best of any woman. I guess the constant going and staying busy has physically and mentally drained me. I guess at some point, you have to take a step back to think about things, let it out and pick up where you left off. Process the fact that you are away.. let it out, process.. process.. grasp the fact... pull yourself together and get moving. I almost felt sorry for myself. And oh boy, wouldn't that have been a complete blubbering mess. But luckily, I snapped back to reality. I think I needed the time to think about it.. get it out.. and then be able to realize I can't let it hold me back or make me feel sorry for myself. Well, now that we've had our little therapy session, I'm going to go back to packing now. Superwoman is moving in about 2 weeks and has only 1 room packed completely. 

Well, I hope I didn't loose anyone there.. I'm sure if this was actually going to be given to my husband it would have been full of mushy stuff and I love yous.. but I avoided all that so I wouldn't make you all sick (haha) and to prevent this from being a never ending post. Maybe someone will relate to how I feel. Even in my days that I don't feel strong enough, I still see the positive in myself. I just hope I never loose that.

Yes, I do really get called "Superwoman" and not just by my husband. I guess one day I will post about that. But for now, this is it.

Furman Update

I haven't updated in a while. There has been a lot going on. Let's just start from when my cat went missing.

After Musket went missing, I just couldn't keep up with anything, especially my blog. So, I promise you I will get around to commenting everyone back and posting the blogger awards that some of you have sent me. Thank you btw. They are much appreciated. Anyway, back to what I was getting to. The husband left early this week for a workup. Didn't have a chance to process that he was going to be gone a while because we were so focused on finding Mus. I was walking our apartment complex numerous times a day, hanging flyers, posting rewards.. my attention was 100% devoted to finding him. Well, Hubby left.. and I still kept my focus on Musket. Which is what he wanted anyway. Come Wednesday, I was physically and mentally drained. I think my dog, Roo, was too. She wouldn't eat, she wouldn't play. She would get Musket's toy and lay by the couch with it and whimper. Absolutely broke my heart. He had been gone 4 days and I was giving up.

Wednesday night, Hampton Convention Center hosted an "Evening Under The Stars" for Military Spouses. A bunch of booths set up giving information, some selling stuff, and LOTS of free stuff. I forced myself to get out of the apartment. I couldn't keep torturing myself looking for Musket nonstop. I still hadn't even processed the fact that the Husband had left. I knew I needed to get out. I ended up having TONS of fun. Met up with several girls that are wives of the Big E. A couple of the girls, I had met for the first time. It was great. I finally was able to relax. I was invited to go out to eat with a couple of them, but decided to go home and beat the storm home. When I got home, I was chatting with a friend on Facebook, Worrying about Musket again. He's fine with rain, but my little furman is scared of lightning and thunder. I didn't want to give up, but he is the first cat I have ever been this attached to. He's my little guy. I found him when he was small enough to fit in the palm of my hand, barely weened. He was Roo's best friend. Like I said. I was just absolutely mentally drained.

About 10pm Wednesday night, someone bangs on my door. Of course I freak out, but run to the door. It was my neighbor who lives below me. "I think your cat is on our balcony", he said. I didn't even grab any shoes, I just jetted out the door. No shoes, in a tank top.... and it was pouring. By the time I had got downstairs, Musket had jumped over the balcony. I'm out in the pouring rain calling for him. I hear him whine from the bushes. He has a very distinct whine.. it's not a "meow". He sounds like a baby. He wouldn't come out because he couldn't see me. So I had to get on my hands and knees and look into the bush. As soon as he saw me, he sprinted out. Right into my arms. My little man came home.

Riley was so excited to see him! They played and played and played.. almost until 1am. Riley ate 2 bowls of food that same night as well. I was so relieved. Musket is fine too. He didn't loose much weight at all. Which makes me very happy. He's the same troublesome little mess that I have always loved. Musket and I played for a little bit and then him and Riley went to bed. I immediately emailed the hubby. He was so excited and relieved. He loves that little guy just as much or more than I do. We have no babies, but we have our furbabies. This is our family.

Now, it's time to allow myself to process that the husband be out to sea for a while, plus pack for our move, then move alone... and somehow in there keep my sanity. Yes, I miss him.. but I just have this feeling that he'll be home in the morning. I just can't grasp the fact it's not a duty day.. although, he hasn't had duty since January. I guess it'll hit me eventually.

This is all for now. I will be writing a new post later. The contest I held is now over, so tonight, I will post what being a Navy Wife means to me. I couldn't let you all have all the fun with it now could I? ;)

Pics anyone?

Taken with my cellphone. He was soaked!

Ignore the ugly couch. Couch cover was in the wash.
They love each other.

As you can tell.. I was exhausted.

This pic cracks me up. He is so fascinated with my face.
He always paws at me. This is just the first time I caught it on camera.

So far.. This is the hardest

Lots of areas look like this

No, I'm not talking about workups or even Deployment. I'm talking about the State of emergency my hometown is in. Being 13 hours and seeing pictures, hearing the news of the flooding, the deaths.. in middle Tennessee. AND even worse, they expect there to be MORE flooding and MORE deaths.

Riverview Restaurant is now gone. It was swept away.

People are loosing everything, some loosing even their life to this. As of right now, the death toll is at 12. I pray there will be no more lives lost from this. The Weather Channel just said there are 2 missing now. I pray they find them and find them alive.

Had to take boats to get People out

The pictures people are posting online from home.. Well, it's really starting to get to me. I grew up there. The first 18 years of my life, I never moved out of Cheatham County... and now, so much is being washed away, literally. But that is still not what scares me the most. They have started to evacuate parts of the county I grew up in.

My Grandmother is stuck at her job... which is right on the Cumberland River. She can not get home because the roads are blocked by the flood waters. I just pray that she can get somewhere safe. My mom is keeping me updated on her, but I think my mom might not tell me everything that's going on so that I won't worry so much. Either way, I'm worried.

Small shopping center

They are saying the waters could rise up to 10 more feet. According to the weather channel, the levee in Nashville is on the verge of breaking. They have opened several dams to keep them from breaking. It is good to keep them from breaking.. just scary because that means more flooding.

I just pray the water stops rising and levels soon. So many have lost their home. It's sad, you can't get flood insurance there unless your are in a classified flood zone.
They are calling this the "100 Year Flood". It has been over 100 years since middle Tennessee has seen a flood like this.

Please keep middle Tennessee families in your Prayers.

House now is on it's own island with no way out other than a boat

Farms Flooded

Roads Flooded