Friday, June 25, 2010
Not keeping it bottled up
I have been stressed to the MAX! So has the husband. His work schedule (not including the workups!), The move, Family visiting and a few other things.. has just really stressed us lately and has given us no breathing room, not to mention.. the hubby and I haven't gotten any time together. Guess that adds to the stress? Oh, not to mention I now know when they are deploying, found out the official (for now) deployment date. It's creeping up. I'm prepared, well.. as best as I can be.
I get jealous when the ship lets the guys off, and my friends get their husband for an extra day. Because my husband is "Essential Personnel", he doesn't get any days off that aren't his designated days off, not to mention he works 13hr shifts, night shift at that. It's draining. More so than the intense workup schedule that we have been undergoing since April. I know I shouldn't get jealous, it's the military... but I won't really get any time with my husband before deployment.
It's sad that I feel like I get to talk to him more when he's out to sea than when he's home. I see him for roughly one hour a day and that's while he's getting ready for work. Yea sure, he does get 2 days off, but he sleeps practically the entire first day and the second he is still exhausted. I can't blame him for wanting to relax. Hell, if it were me working like he does, I would want to sleep every chance I got. At the same time that I understand.. I feel alone.9
I've gotten to the point where I feel like the kid who is always picked last for Kickball. If that was ever you growing up.. you know how bad that sucks. I'm a very patient person. And I know I'm a damn good wife. I am very understanding, but after a while.. it gets to me.
There's a little more to it than that, but I'm not going to get into it. Damnit, I just need some attention from my husband.
My husband and I have been trying for a baby for a few months now. It's been kept quiet, but If I talk about things, I feel better. My husband and I struggle in this department. What I mean by that is we have had several miscarriages since July of '08. One very recent. Another stress we've been facing. I've kinda come to grips with the recent one, but at the same time.. I find myself blaming myself. I know it's not my fault. But I think blaming yourself is the easiest way to accept it. I beat myself up thinking that my husband will not love me if I cannot give him a family. I know that's not true. I know he'll still love me. He actually wasn't sure he wanted kids until we found out we were pregnant in late June of '08. He got so excited. Seeing his face, the way he looked at me and rubbed my belly.. was the greatest thing I have ever felt or seen. Beginning of July '08 I miscarried. I found out I had been pregnant since April and had no clue it had been that long. I had just found out I was pregnant. I still think about that one all the time. I was about 3 months along. It's hard not to think about. I just keep telling myself that right now is not the right time for us. It will happen when it's supposed to. I'm going to be going to the doctor in the near future, so maybe I'll get some insight as to what's going on with my body. I haven't even told family we're trying for a baby. I guess I'll find out if any of my family reads my blog now.
I'm not depressed, although this isn't exactly the most positive blog post. I'm generally a very happy person. Not to say that I'm not happy right now, I'm just stressed. It happens to the best of us. I know that for me, it's best to let it all out and not keep it bottled up. It will only intensify the stress.
I would really like to thank Goodnight Moon for being totally awesome. She has been the one I feel like I can talk to about everything. I so wish she and I lived closer together!
Thank you to the couple other ladies I have talked briefly to as well.
Well, I'm going to leave this post as is. I'm going to post again later with some pics from my husband's family visiting. We finally got to meet our Nephew. He's a year old!
I've seen several ladies comment me wanting info for photo sessions. Shoot me an email at CRushGFX@yahoo.com, I've been away for a while and had a lot of comments and wasn't able to keep up! I apologize for this!