Friday, June 25, 2010

Not keeping it bottled up

Seems like I have been posting less and less lately. There's been a lot going on, and somethings are better left unsaid.. well, better to not blog about.

I have been stressed to the MAX! So has the husband. His work schedule (not including the workups!), The move, Family visiting and a few other things.. has just really stressed us lately and has given us no breathing room, not to mention.. the hubby and I haven't gotten any time together. Guess that adds to the stress? Oh, not to mention I now know when they are deploying, found out the official (for now) deployment date. It's creeping up. I'm prepared, well.. as best as I can be.

I get jealous when the ship lets the guys off, and my friends get their husband for an extra day. Because my husband is "Essential Personnel", he doesn't get any days off that aren't his designated days off, not to mention he works 13hr shifts, night shift at that. It's draining. More so than the intense workup schedule that we have been undergoing since April. I know I shouldn't get jealous, it's the military... but I won't really get any time with my husband before deployment.

It's sad that I feel like I get to talk to him more when he's out to sea than when he's home. I see him for roughly one hour a day and that's while he's getting ready for work.  Yea sure, he does get 2 days off, but he sleeps practically the entire first day and the second he is still exhausted. I can't blame him for wanting to relax. Hell, if it were me working like he does, I would want to sleep every chance I got. At the same time that I understand.. I feel alone.9

I've gotten to the point where I feel like the kid who is always picked last for Kickball. If that was ever you growing up.. you know how bad that sucks. I'm a very patient person. And I know I'm a damn good wife. I am very understanding, but after a while.. it gets to me.
There's a little more to it than that, but I'm not going to get into it. Damnit, I just need some attention from my husband.

My husband and I have been trying for a baby for a few months now. It's been kept quiet, but If I talk about things, I feel better. My husband and I struggle in this department. What I mean by that is we have had several miscarriages since July of '08. One very recent. Another stress we've been facing. I've kinda come to grips with the recent one, but at the same time.. I find myself blaming myself. I know it's not my fault. But I think blaming yourself is the easiest way to accept it. I beat myself up thinking that my husband will not love me if I cannot give him a family. I know that's not true. I know he'll still love me. He actually wasn't sure he wanted kids until we found out we were pregnant in late June of '08. He got so excited. Seeing his face, the way he looked at me and rubbed my belly.. was the greatest thing I have ever felt or seen. Beginning of July '08 I miscarried. I found out I had been pregnant since April and had no clue it had been that long. I had just found out I was pregnant. I still think about that one all the time. I was about 3 months along. It's hard not to think about. I just keep telling myself that right now is not the right time for us. It will happen when it's supposed to. I'm going to be going to the doctor in the near future, so maybe I'll get some insight as to what's going on with my body. I haven't even told family we're trying for a baby. I guess I'll find out if any of my family reads my blog now.

I'm not depressed, although this isn't exactly the most positive blog post. I'm generally a very happy person. Not to say that I'm not happy right now, I'm just stressed. It happens to the best of us. I know that for me, it's best to let it all out and not keep it bottled up. It will only intensify the stress.

I would really like to thank Goodnight Moon for being totally awesome. She has been the one I feel like I can talk to about everything. I so wish she and I lived closer together!
Thank you to the couple other ladies I have talked briefly to as well.

Well, I'm going to leave this post as is. I'm going to post again later with some pics from my husband's family visiting. We finally got to meet our Nephew. He's a year old!
I've seen several ladies comment me wanting info for photo sessions. Shoot me an email at, I've been away for a while and had a lot of comments and wasn't able to keep up! I apologize for this!


  1. I'm sorry hun. Having no time together is stressful, especially before a deplopyment. It breaks my heart to read about your miscarriages, and I can't even express how sorry I am to read that. I hope things get better for you and your hubby and as for starting a family, I think you are right. It will happen when its meant to happen and you will be in my prayers! Keep your head up hun. Sending hugs your way!

  2. I'm so sorry to hear that things are hard right now, but I believe everything happens for a reason. You are so strong and have inspired me to be strong again and again. You can do this and you will get through this---it will pass. Sending lots of good thoughts and hugs your way!

  3. I feel for you girl. I cant say I understand about the whole baby thing but I can say when you told me it hit me just right in my heart. I can say, however, that I feel you on the deployment thing. Ryan deploys in less then a month and a half and it has been eating me alive. I didn't think about it really until 2 days ago when I got an email from my ombudsman about the "deployment brief". I knew what that meant. I knew how short a time we had left together until he is gone for 6-8 months. It really had been messing with my head and I was laying down with him tonight as I was trying to fall asleep and started thinking about it. I shed a tear or two and rolled over and just watched him as he slept then realized I wouldn't get to do that much longer and how much it actually means to be to be able to lay there in his arms. Ugh, lol. Sorry for writing so much, guess I just needed a shoulder to "cry" on for a minute. I haven't really talked to anyone about it because I dont want anyone to think I'm weak and can't handle it. Keep your chin up hunny. Like I said, when God wants it to happen, it'll happen :)

  4. Hi there. It's good to let off steam once in a while. It releases some of that pressure and built up stress and emotion. Deployment times are really rough, and extra stressful. I'm so sorry about your past miscarriage(s). Just try to stay positive and have faith that it's going to happen. Wishing you the best :)

  5. I'm sorry you're having to deal with so many stressful situations all at once and I hope you're able to find some peace about them soon.

  6. Sorry things are so stressful for you right now and that you're going through so many tough things at once. I know what it's like to have a husband that's not around much. My husband has a full time job with the Army, goes to school full time for his Masters, and had a huge work-related event last month. Even when he was home, he wasn't able to do anything with us because he was still working. I know how you're feeling and I'm sorry you're going through it. I know that doesn't help or change anything, but at least you know you're not alone.

  7. You have been a very busy lady! I'm sorry you're so stressed. I hope you can find some peace very soon before he leaves. I would love to give you a hug right now. I am so sorry for everything you've been going through since July '08. I know it wont make you feel better but you're not alone. You have many friends/supporters here you can turn too. I am truly sorry, and here if you want to talk.

  8. Thank you all. It really means a lot to hear encouraging words.

  9. I am so sorry about things...I know life can really be tough sometimes. I understand exactly what you mean about normally being a happy person, I am the same way, but sometimes it does help to just let things out every once in awhile. I have really enjoyed your blogs, your's were one of the first one's I ever read and they inspires me in so many ways. Stay strong...and remember there are always people out there that care. You and your family are in my prayers.

  10. Try not to let everything stress you out too much. Try and take time to remember, even on the crappiest days, there is still something good to be thankful for.....

    Also...wanted to tell you to check out my blog've got an award to pick up!

  11. Thank you :)

    Because of you ladies, I have a smile on my face.