Monday, April 30, 2012

Clique Clique.. BOOM!

One thing that makes deployments challenging for many military wives is the cliques that tend to form. I believe it's natural, it's normal for people to form groups they rely on, count on, trust and consider close friends.

Where it's hard for many is feeling like those groups are not open to meeting new people or adding them to their close nit group of friends.

If you're new to a particular lifestyle and noone reaches out, you feel like an outsider. Some people just aren't outgoing enough, maybe they are shy, or just scared. If noone reaches out to that person, they are left feeling alone.

Sometimes cliques form and the clique as a whole is shy, or doesn't know how to approach others. It's not always a case of them shunning a particular group or person, but just like some individuals.. it's a comfort thing.

Sadly, there are groups that form to belittle people, be full of gossip and hate. You see it a lot at FRG functions- with the members, not necessarily the board. These are the groups that are poisonous to an FRG and to a community in it's entirety. I believe these are the groups that make people feel left out or bring negativity to the term, clique.

I don't see myself as "Cliquey". Yes, I do have a handful of friends I tend to hang out with the most, but who doesn't? However, I'm always open to meeting/ friending new people.

Moving to Virginia after my husband received his first set of orders, I was alone. I didn't know anyone in my area, and I hadn't a clue how to get in touch with the FRG. And believe it or not, I was extremely shy. I realized real quick I was going to have to step outside my bubble to meet new people. It wasn't that people were not willing to meet new people, it was the same situation as myself, it's sometimes challenging to be thrown into an area where you don't really know anyone.

If you run into a clique that is unaccepting, bullies, etc., just consider it friendship you do not want to begin with. You do not want to be in a group like that anyway, it will only drag you down. No one wants to be part of the "Mean Girls".

The FRG is a great place to meet new people- sometimes you just need to realize that sometimes people are just like you and are waiting for you to approach them. Even if people seem like they "belong to a clique" doesn't mean they are not willing to accept new friendship. Just don't judge too quickly. Give it a chance. Take a chance. 

Friday, April 20, 2012

Baby Blues

I know people don't do it to rub it in my face or to say, "Look what I have, don't you wish you had it?!", but when I see an over abundance of baby talk, it hurts. It hurts a whole lot, especially tonight.

Yes, my husband and I.. well I, was okay with not trying for a baby until after deployment. But, we got pregnant again, and lost our baby, again.

Every time I see a baby, every post about being pregnant, about being a mommy and how great it is, when you lost your baby just a couple weeks earlier.. feels like a stab in the heart.

I'm happy for everyone who gets to experience it. I really am, but I'm jealous too. But being happy doesn't mean I'm not still hurting. A smile doesn't mean that, on the inside, I'm not falling apart. I'm pretty good at masking my emotions, but tonight.. I just can't. I can't hold it in anymore.

Sometimes it sucks working on a computer, because when I take a break, it's easy to turn to Facebook for a quick chat with a friend. I even really enjoy reading my News feed every now and then. It's just hard When I pull up Facebook and see several posts about pregnancy being so amazing and how there's nothing better in the world than being a mommy.

I thought I was better, I was doing good. I still felt some anxiety from it all... but I was better, until tonight.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Never.
Even though it would still hurt, I would rather NEVER be able to get pregnant than to suffer even one miscarriage. It's the hardest and most emotional thing I have EVER been through. Not to mention how bad it hurts.

It's the last thing I want to do, but I find myself asking God why? Not only that, it makes me question God, is he even real?
Right now, I have it in my head that only someone so evil could put me and my husband through this more than 5 times and the doctors tell us they don't know why. Don't tell me God has a reason for everything, because right now I truly feel anger for him. I just can't help it and I hope it passes fast. It's not a good feeling and I hate feeling angry. I know I'm just angry with God because he's the easiest to blame, other than myself. I think I've done enough blaming myself. I don't like feeling angry, especially when I don't know what or who I'm angry with.

Right now, I feel my blog is my only outlet. It's too hard to talk about everything face to face with someone- I just can't do it.
It's the one thing that can bring me to tears faster than anything. Maybe a handful of people have ever seen me cry. I cannot stand for someone to see me cry. To me, about myself, crying is a sign of weakness. I don't feel that way when I see someone else cry, but I feel that way about myself. My husband has hardly seen me shed a tear in the 5 years we have been together.

I just don't understand how some low life crack whore can pop out 10 babies and not want a single one of them, and I, someone who would love, care for them and guard them with my whole life has it all taken away.

I just want a reason. Someone to tell me WHY. The doctor's ran some tests, 8 1/2 hours of tests and all they can say is they have NO clue that everything looks normal and "good" and they don't have a clue as to WHY. My husband wants to wait until he's home before we start heavy testing to see if the WHY can be answered. Honestly, it scares me. I'm broken, Can I be fixed? So many, What ifs. So much confusion. So much anger.. too much of everything.

I find it hard to see the positive right now, and for me.. that's odd because I can find the positive in every situation I have faced. I've always been able to say, "It will happen", and now I even doubt myself saying that.

I have never been full of so many mixed emotions in my life.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

If You're Not a Military Spouse, We're not Friends

Are there Really people like that, Referring to the title?
I surely hope not. 

I was recently told a friend thinks that since she is no longer going to be a military spouse, that I don't want to be friends with her anymore. Which is far from the truth. 

My husband's JOB is not my social status. I don't care what your husband's job is, it does not factor in to me wanting to be someone's friend. 

Do I have pride in the fact that my husband is in the Military? Yes, but I share that same pride for my family who are serving and who have served. And, you don't see me saying, "Your brother isn't in the military, we can't be friends." 


C'mon now, we aren't in grade school any more. 

I'm sure there are woman who are like this. I know there are girls who prefer military friends for the simple fact they "understand" more. But I am not one of those people. 

Honestly, I would love to be home with my friends who aren't military spouses right now. It's refreshing to be around friends who don't have the worry of this lifestyle or feel the need to talk about it, or deployment every time you are with them. I like the normalcy of it.

My husband's job does not define me. Let's just drop the "Military" from Wife. I am HIS WIFE- That is my priority, not to be a "Military" Wife

Monday, April 9, 2012

Getting back to Me

I'm trying to get better at this whole blogging thing. especially since I just noticed I was nominated for best military spouse blog. Seriously, that has made my day, my week, my month.. ya get my point. I'm a little giddy.
If you would like to vote for this blog, go to THIS LINK and click the "thumbs up" by the nomination for The Journey of a Navy Wife.

I figured I would blog a little while I have some Chicken Alfredo cooking up- I'm cheating, It's a frozen, bagged  dinner. I'm ok with that. I've had this stuff before (the brand slips my mind at the moment) and I love it. For $2.50 (they were on sale), I have dinner tonight and lunch (or dinner) tomorrow. Heck yeah! :D

Aside from the nomination, I had another HUGE pick me up today. I came home from work to a Canvas wrap I had ordered of my husband and myself. I'm in LOVE with it. Love Love Love LOVE it. 

Yes. I am in a much better mood today. :D
I think venting some (last blog) helped. I'm feeling MUCH better. 

Anyway, here is my AWESOME 24x36 Canvas Wrap I ordered for above mine and my husband's bed:

I haven't told my husband about it yet. I don't plan on it either. He can just see it when he comes home! :D

I have decided I'm not going to tell him about a lot of my little "projects" and doings around the house. I want him to be surprised- Ok, I want to think he'll be surprised. But I know he won't pay attention to any of it because he's been gone for so long, looking around at all the new, and the old that has been redone is going to be the last on his mind. I mean.. I purchased a house last deployment, and he came home to it like he had been here for over a year. He wasn't focused on anything but me and the bed... and that was because he was tired. You have a dirty mind. 

I feel like I have an insane amount of free time... and what's crazy, I really don't. I have my photography that I do full time as well as my graphics business.. PLUS I picked up a part time job at a clothing store to keep even more busy. Where is all this extra time I feel like I have? 

I guess I'm just not busy enough, which I know is far from the truth. I think after being limited so much last week, I feel like I'm in overdrive now to make up for all the time I was being required to "take it easy". 

So, here's to getting back to "ME". The happy, smiling, nauseatingly positive ME.

OH, for my bloggy friends: I'm going to try to make it to the conference this year! Yay! :D

Again, If you would like to vote for this blog, go to THIS LINK and click the "thumbs up" by the nomination for The Journey of a Navy Wife. ;)

Saturday, April 7, 2012

The Incredible Edible Egg & an Update

Thank you so much to everyone who reached out after my last blog. Your comments are really helping me through this tough time. 

I'm physically feeling tons better. I'm up and moving around and getting back into the swing of things. We're still working of getting a grasp of everything. It's a bit of a roller coaster. It's one of those things, I don't want to talk about it unless it's on my terms. 

I feel like there are so many who don't understand, they know NOTHING about what I'm going through mentally and physically, but yet they want to tell me what I should be doing. It's something that can very easily anger me. The anger is something I need to work on. It's just one of those things, if you don't know anything about it- if you haven't went through it yourself, don't tell me what I NEED to be doing or that I'm dumb for not doing something. Just shut up. If you can't be understanding, don't talk. Please, because I don't need to be pushed. It's one of those things, I'm at the point that if I'm continually pushed, I won't want you in my life anymore because I have a very bad tendency to hold grudges. It doesn't matter who you are or how close we are. Just don't.  I think it was a long time coming that I said that. 

Miscarriage, unfortunately, is so common. For some, peace is brought by talking about it. Others, it's easier not talking about and for those like myself, I find comfort talking about it on my terms. Which is why I have turned to my blog to do so. It's my outlet and how I find the easiest means to channel my emotions. 

I will get there. Again, Tough Times Never Last. Repeat, Tough Times Never Last. 

Okay, now for something fun!

On Pinterest, I found a pin about Hard boiled eggs from the oven! Seemed fun, so I thought I would try it! I would link the pin, but I failed to pin it and cannot find it now. So, maybe I'll come across it and add the link later. 

Photos from my Instagram, follow me! @journeyofanavywife
So, here's what I did:
  • Preheated oven to 325
  • I placed my eggs in a muffin pan (easy to put in the oven and take out, but you can put them straight on the wire rack)
  • Baked them for 30 minutes
  • Removed them from the oven and allowed them to cool
  • Peeled them (surprisingly they peeled with ease!)
  • Ate them. 
They actually tasted pretty good! If I make them again by baking them, I will flip them about 15 minutes in. There were some brown spot on the eggs, and inside the shell on the side that was placed down. I think the side that was placed down was slightly over-cooked. One egg was a tad bit rubbery on the darkened side. 
To me, it seemed like far less of a hassle baking them than boiling them. Other than the one egg with the rubbery spot, they tasted no different to me than boiling them.

 It was fun trying something new! 

Monday, April 2, 2012

Tough Times Never Last

Didn't deployment just start?

I know. I know it did. The past few days are just dragging.

Today is one of those days where I just wish my husband was home. Okay, the past few days have been like that. I don't find deployment hard, however, sometimes things happen and you just want your husband there with you through it. Some things you just don't want to go through alone or without them.

I guess I'm going to open up about my weekend. I've been avoiding talking about it to everyone because, well, it's not something I can talk about easily nor is it something I like talking about. This post may be a bit TMI, but I'm going to force myself to talk about things. Maybe it'll be good for me.

Friday evening I wasn't feeling too great. I was sluggish and was having stomach pain. I wasn't having cramps, but stabbing pains throughout my abdomen every now and then. To top it off, I was very nauseous. I talked to my husband via email and we both made the decision that if it continued to morning I would go to the doctor.

Saturday I was awakened by what I had almost thought was me peeing on myself. I ran to the bathroom to discover it wasn't pee. The pains in my stomach were double what they were the night before and I was having some awful cramps to go with it.

I emailed my husband to let him know I was going to the doctor and not to worry.

I ended up being in the hospital for more than 8 hours. Come to find out, I was pregnant. My husband and I had suspected I was, but wasn't 100%. I had taken an over the counter pregnancy test earlier that week, it had a faint positive line, but I know many tests if you tilt them in the light a certain way you see what you believe is a positive line. It was also too soon for me to really be able to test. So, I went to the doctor. I had a blood test done and they told me they would call me with the results in a couple days. Before I even received the results, I was in the hospital finding out I was loosing my baby.

They were also concerned about my Gallbladder and my Appendix, as some of the pain was coming from areas higher than expected from a miscarriage. So, while enduring all the other tests, I had to have an ultrasound for my gallbladder as well as a CT of my abdomen. Thankfully, they found no issues or cause for worry.

They tried to find the cause for my miscarriage, and came up empty handed. Everything appears to be good. My Cervix sits a little far to the right,  but the doctor said it wasn't cause for my miscarriage. He said as far as he could tell, my Ovaries are in good shape as well. It just doesn't make any sense to me. My husband and I have had multiple miscarriages and noone can explain to us why my body rejects a baby every time.

Anyway, After more than 8 hours at the hospital being poked, hooked up to an IV and more, I was finally released to go home. My husband had emailed me saying he was going to call me, he was granted permission to use the Office phones as it was considered an emergency (meaning he didn't have to buy a $20 phone card to call me). He's always so strong for me. But I know him, inside it's killing him. It's so hard for him to be away from me, especially when he wants to be here to take care of me. I received an email from him when he should have been asleep, just letting me know he was thinking about me and couldn't sleep. He wanted to make sure I was okay. I can't imagine how hard this really is for him with being so far away.

I know, it will happen when it's meant to be- I think people say that in hopes it makes you feel better. Coming from someone who has been told this MANY times over the past few years- It doesn't. It actually pisses the person being told that off. Just for future reference for anyone.

Another thing, Don't say things the person should have done or shouldn't have done. If you have ever gone through something like this, then you know it's not the easiest thing to go through by far and we do enough blaming ourselves as it is.

That's where I'm at right now. Blaming myself. Any reason to make this my fault, I've silently said it to myself. Feeling like I'm worthless, broken and to blame- All of it.

I've been through this more that once. It doesn't get easier- If it was easy, you wouldn't be human. This time is actually hitting pretty hard. How do you register the thoughts, "You are pregnant" and "You lost your baby." at the same time? If you have the answer, let me know. It's seriously confusing and screws with your head.

Oh, to top it off.. I received a call from my regular doctor today. Yup, "Your results are positive, you're pregnant.". Meh. Thanks Doc.

It's hard right now, but like everything else, I will get through this. One day, I will have a baby- Either by a pregnancy with me, a surrogate, or adoption. One day. And when it happens, it will be the greatest thing to have ever happened to myself as well as my husband.

Tough times never last. Tough times never last. Tough times never last.

I'll just keep repeating that to myself. Positivity and strength beat it all.