Friday, April 20, 2012

Baby Blues

I know people don't do it to rub it in my face or to say, "Look what I have, don't you wish you had it?!", but when I see an over abundance of baby talk, it hurts. It hurts a whole lot, especially tonight.

Yes, my husband and I.. well I, was okay with not trying for a baby until after deployment. But, we got pregnant again, and lost our baby, again.

Every time I see a baby, every post about being pregnant, about being a mommy and how great it is, when you lost your baby just a couple weeks earlier.. feels like a stab in the heart.

I'm happy for everyone who gets to experience it. I really am, but I'm jealous too. But being happy doesn't mean I'm not still hurting. A smile doesn't mean that, on the inside, I'm not falling apart. I'm pretty good at masking my emotions, but tonight.. I just can't. I can't hold it in anymore.

Sometimes it sucks working on a computer, because when I take a break, it's easy to turn to Facebook for a quick chat with a friend. I even really enjoy reading my News feed every now and then. It's just hard When I pull up Facebook and see several posts about pregnancy being so amazing and how there's nothing better in the world than being a mommy.

I thought I was better, I was doing good. I still felt some anxiety from it all... but I was better, until tonight.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Never.
Even though it would still hurt, I would rather NEVER be able to get pregnant than to suffer even one miscarriage. It's the hardest and most emotional thing I have EVER been through. Not to mention how bad it hurts.

It's the last thing I want to do, but I find myself asking God why? Not only that, it makes me question God, is he even real?
Right now, I have it in my head that only someone so evil could put me and my husband through this more than 5 times and the doctors tell us they don't know why. Don't tell me God has a reason for everything, because right now I truly feel anger for him. I just can't help it and I hope it passes fast. It's not a good feeling and I hate feeling angry. I know I'm just angry with God because he's the easiest to blame, other than myself. I think I've done enough blaming myself. I don't like feeling angry, especially when I don't know what or who I'm angry with.

Right now, I feel my blog is my only outlet. It's too hard to talk about everything face to face with someone- I just can't do it.
It's the one thing that can bring me to tears faster than anything. Maybe a handful of people have ever seen me cry. I cannot stand for someone to see me cry. To me, about myself, crying is a sign of weakness. I don't feel that way when I see someone else cry, but I feel that way about myself. My husband has hardly seen me shed a tear in the 5 years we have been together.

I just don't understand how some low life crack whore can pop out 10 babies and not want a single one of them, and I, someone who would love, care for them and guard them with my whole life has it all taken away.

I just want a reason. Someone to tell me WHY. The doctor's ran some tests, 8 1/2 hours of tests and all they can say is they have NO clue that everything looks normal and "good" and they don't have a clue as to WHY. My husband wants to wait until he's home before we start heavy testing to see if the WHY can be answered. Honestly, it scares me. I'm broken, Can I be fixed? So many, What ifs. So much confusion. So much anger.. too much of everything.

I find it hard to see the positive right now, and for me.. that's odd because I can find the positive in every situation I have faced. I've always been able to say, "It will happen", and now I even doubt myself saying that.

I have never been full of so many mixed emotions in my life.


  1. I'm so sorry. I didn't know anything about it. I can't say I know how you feel but my heart goes out to you because I know how it feels wanting something so bad and can't have it. Being a mom was the one thing that I've ever wanted most in my life. I know I'm a step-mom and I'm so grateful for that and I love her as if she was my own but I still have that void in my heart. Love u!

  2. Christina, my heart cries for you. I have so been there (and still am some days.) I don't really have any words of comfort other than to say I'm praying for you.

  3. I'm typing this with a little bit of hesitation, since it's so hard to find the right words in this situation, and I don't want to unwittingly say something hurtful!

    I'm so sorry that you and your husband are going through this. When we lost our first baby, I was DEVASTATED. I cried for months. It was, and still is, the most emotionally difficult thing I've ever experienced.

    I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

  4. I'm sorry for your loss. My husband and I have gone through two miscarrieges. It's hard and it still hurts from time to time when I think about it.
    I'm a Christian just like you. When I see you writing about God in this way it hurts. Remember your teachings. Everything is for the glory of God. He puts us through triles and we have no idea why or for how long. BUT we do know that it is all HIS design. You may get made at me for writing this but I'm just trying to be a fellow sister of Christ. This blog is an amazing outlet for women who may not yet know God. If they see you not having faith in the Lord they may think that God isn't for them. You may not know why these trial are happening to you and your husband at the moment but you can be sure He expects you to have faith in HIM. To be a minister to those other women who struggle to have a child but don't yet know God.
    This is a hard thing (hard is not a good enough word I know) and this is in no way a lecture. God is the giver of life but he also takes all life. No one lives or dies without God's approval. Don't let the devil pull you into his darkness.
    And yes there are women out there who give birth to children they do not want. But there are just as many families who can not have children that would love that child when no one else would. Remember that God gave all of those children life. It is not for us to judge who has life and who doesn't. Every person(even non Christains) have a role to play in this life. Don't turn from God.
    This may be hard to hear but God may be trying to tell you that there is something you should want more than a baby...HIM.
    Please take this only as a fellow Christian, a fellow women who knows the pain you feel. Cry, grieve, but try and find peace because you have a savior that LOVES you and wants you to lay your life in His hands. It's even harder when your husband is gone, I know. My husband is also in the Navy, one of the reasons I follow your blog.
    One time a while ago I saw your conviction for standing up for the things you believe. Use that same strenght and KNOW that God will be with you no matter how long this trile lasts. No one said a life with God would be easier. It rains on the just and the un just. I will pray for you. Drown yourself in your bible. It's the ONLY place that has the answers you need.

  5. Oh Girl. I can completely relate to this post. We lost our sweet baby at 12 weeks this past December, and I have 2 sisters and 2 friends who are all due within a week of when I was due.... I love my sisters (and my nieces they are carrying) and my friends and am so happy for them but OH MY GOODNESS everytime I see a belly picture or a post about it I want to puke. I absolutely completely relate to the happy for them but jealous at the same time feeling. When I talk to my husband about it I tell him, Im happy for them but sad for us. I pray God will soften your heart to Him and help you to feel some relief from the pain. Im so so so sorry you are going through this, there is truely nothing worse.

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  8. I understand how you feel on another level though. My husband and I haven't been trying to make a family until recently but it seems everyone I know is having a baby or had a baby very recently. It's a difficult time certainly, but things will get better, and it's alright to grieve. In your shoes I would feel the same way if not more blue, but you've got a good head on your shoulders. I've been reading your blog on and off for months, and you seem to be a spirited girl, which is what leads me to feel you will pull through and the positives will come at some point or another. I wish you and your Sailor all the luck and many blessings in building your family. And thank you for sharing your journey.

  9. I am sending you a hug. I know no words can heal this hurt. It's something that no body can comfort. I am sorry. I also know this feeling. I was told I could never have a child, and I have miscarried 3 times. It's hard to feel broken & listen to all the amazing "stories" from others. I personally want to hurt people when they tell me their 'miracle' story.. how sad is that?
    It's OK to feel hurt and jealous. There are so many questions.. like why do 15, 16 yr olds get to have a baby and they make a show about it.. but I can afford & want a baby and can't. Why do these women who say they never want kids have 5.. It's painful, there are no words that can heal this pain.. and a lot of people have empathy not sympathy and that hurts worse. You are not broken.. they will figure it out.. but those tests are dangerous too. Don't let those doctors break you down & don't hang on their words.. do your research too. Don't let this come between you & everyone else - like it did me. Sometimes not knowing is better then knowing.. ya know?
    Keep your head up.. I will keep you in my prayers..

  10. Sweetheart, I am so sorry. I can't imagine how hard this can be for you. My friend just lost her twins last summer. She really hasn't been the same ever since and every time she sees a newborn she gets quite sad.
    My only advice, the only thing I can tell her, is that your day will come when you have a little baby inside of you. Youll feel that one day and you'll bring it to term and that baby will be everything you've ever dreamed of. I just want you to know that its not the end sweetheart.

  11. I know this is totally crazy, but I saw on fb that you posted that your husband is on the same ship as mine. I haven't made a whole lot of friends who's husbands are on the ship so I started just clicking on people to see if anyone was closer to my age then most of the wives I have met (27). I saw your link to this page and was curious so I read it and I just had to comment! My husband and I found out we were pregnant a couple weeks into deployment, and then about 3 weeks ago, I also miscarried! You are not alone! This was only my first pregnancy but I understand some of your feelings! I hate the things that people say to try to make you feel better! I actually had one older lady at my work tell me that "that baby gave (me) a gift"!!! NOT helpful! Bottom line is that a miscarriage sucks!


  12. Thank you everyone. Taking it one day at a time. Learning all over again to step back and give myself some breathing room when I need it. No matter how many times I've been through this- I never learn that until I have a melt down. I don't care what anyone says, you never get use to something like this and the pain doesn't go away, you just learn how to deal with it.

    Chelsea, No reason for me to get mad. You make valid points. However, As a Christian, I think I'm obligated to show that it's not easy and I don't have to fake being perfect and not show that even as a Christian that I struggle and sometimes question his doings. Being someone who questions why he does things and puts people through constant hurt, seeing Christians acting perfect like they have no struggles, acting as if they are held at a higher standard and expect more from other Christians is what pushes people away, myself included- as well as my husband who is a non believer because of the "Holier than thou" persona so many Christians carry. I think as Christians we can reach out more by showing that we, too, have struggles and even sometimes stumble in our faith.

    Jessica, I believe we met at the Predeployment briefs. Seems you and I went through this about the same time. It's been a month for me today. I accepted your friend request on FB as well :) We'll have to meet up soon!

  13. I can relate to the pain you feel, but not to its entirety. My husband and I went through this once, and there isn't a day that passes when I don't wonder "why?" I can also relate to the feeling you get when babies pictures fill your Facebook news feed. I still struggle with this and am reminded of the most painful experience of my life. I still am not sure why I was deprived of pure joy that would have resulted from our baby's birth. Other people didn't seem to understand..I felt so alone. I hated God for letting me hope so much, only to take it all away so quickly. I hope that you find peace and resolution over the years to come, Christina. You are not broken. You are strong to reveal your fears on your blog. May you find your strength to recover emotionally- perhaps you will find it with the knowledge that you help others find it in themselves.