Baby Blues

I know people don't do it to rub it in my face or to say, "Look what I have, don't you wish you had it?!", but when I see an over abundance of baby talk, it hurts. It hurts a whole lot, especially tonight.

Yes, my husband and I.. well I, was okay with not trying for a baby until after deployment. But, we got pregnant again, and lost our baby, again.

Every time I see a baby, every post about being pregnant, about being a mommy and how great it is, when you lost your baby just a couple weeks earlier.. feels like a stab in the heart.

I'm happy for everyone who gets to experience it. I really am, but I'm jealous too. But being happy doesn't mean I'm not still hurting. A smile doesn't mean that, on the inside, I'm not falling apart. I'm pretty good at masking my emotions, but tonight.. I just can't. I can't hold it in anymore.

Sometimes it sucks working on a computer, because when I take a break, it's easy to turn to Facebook for a quick chat with a friend. I even really enjoy reading my News feed every now and then. It's just hard When I pull up Facebook and see several posts about pregnancy being so amazing and how there's nothing better in the world than being a mommy.

I thought I was better, I was doing good. I still felt some anxiety from it all... but I was better, until tonight.


I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Never.
Even though it would still hurt, I would rather NEVER be able to get pregnant than to suffer even one miscarriage. It's the hardest and most emotional thing I have EVER been through. Not to mention how bad it hurts.


It's the last thing I want to do, but I find myself asking God why? Not only that, it makes me question God, is he even real?
Right now, I have it in my head that only someone so evil could put me and my husband through this more than 5 times and the doctors tell us they don't know why. Don't tell me God has a reason for everything, because right now I truly feel anger for him. I just can't help it and I hope it passes fast. It's not a good feeling and I hate feeling angry. I know I'm just angry with God because he's the easiest to blame, other than myself. I think I've done enough blaming myself. I don't like feeling angry, especially when I don't know what or who I'm angry with.

Right now, I feel my blog is my only outlet. It's too hard to talk about everything face to face with someone- I just can't do it.
It's the one thing that can bring me to tears faster than anything. Maybe a handful of people have ever seen me cry. I cannot stand for someone to see me cry. To me, about myself, crying is a sign of weakness. I don't feel that way when I see someone else cry, but I feel that way about myself. My husband has hardly seen me shed a tear in the 5 years we have been together.

I just don't understand how some low life crack whore can pop out 10 babies and not want a single one of them, and I, someone who would love, care for them and guard them with my whole life has it all taken away.

I just want a reason. Someone to tell me WHY. The doctor's ran some tests, 8 1/2 hours of tests and all they can say is they have NO clue that everything looks normal and "good" and they don't have a clue as to WHY. My husband wants to wait until he's home before we start heavy testing to see if the WHY can be answered. Honestly, it scares me. I'm broken, Can I be fixed? So many, What ifs. So much confusion. So much anger.. too much of everything.

I find it hard to see the positive right now, and for me.. that's odd because I can find the positive in every situation I have faced. I've always been able to say, "It will happen", and now I even doubt myself saying that.

I have never been full of so many mixed emotions in my life.