Baby Blues

I know people don't do it to rub it in my face or to say, "Look what I have, don't you wish you had it?!", but when I see an over abundance of baby talk, it hurts. It hurts a whole lot, especially tonight.

Yes, my husband and I.. well I, was okay with not trying for a baby until after deployment. But, we got pregnant again, and lost our baby, again.

Every time I see a baby, every post about being pregnant, about being a mommy and how great it is, when you lost your baby just a couple weeks earlier.. feels like a stab in the heart.

I'm happy for everyone who gets to experience it. I really am, but I'm jealous too. But being happy doesn't mean I'm not still hurting. A smile doesn't mean that, on the inside, I'm not falling apart. I'm pretty good at masking my emotions, but tonight.. I just can't. I can't hold it in anymore.

Sometimes it sucks working on a computer, because when I take a break, it's easy to turn to Facebook for a quick chat with a friend. I even really enjoy reading my News feed every now and then. It's just hard When I pull up Facebook and see several posts about pregnancy being so amazing and how there's nothing better in the world than being a mommy.

I thought I was better, I was doing good. I still felt some anxiety from it all... but I was better, until tonight.


I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Never.
Even though it would still hurt, I would rather NEVER be able to get pregnant than to suffer even one miscarriage. It's the hardest and most emotional thing I have EVER been through. Not to mention how bad it hurts.


It's the last thing I want to do, but I find myself asking God why? Not only that, it makes me question God, is he even real?
Right now, I have it in my head that only someone so evil could put me and my husband through this more than 5 times and the doctors tell us they don't know why. Don't tell me God has a reason for everything, because right now I truly feel anger for him. I just can't help it and I hope it passes fast. It's not a good feeling and I hate feeling angry. I know I'm just angry with God because he's the easiest to blame, other than myself. I think I've done enough blaming myself. I don't like feeling angry, especially when I don't know what or who I'm angry with.

Right now, I feel my blog is my only outlet. It's too hard to talk about everything face to face with someone- I just can't do it.
It's the one thing that can bring me to tears faster than anything. Maybe a handful of people have ever seen me cry. I cannot stand for someone to see me cry. To me, about myself, crying is a sign of weakness. I don't feel that way when I see someone else cry, but I feel that way about myself. My husband has hardly seen me shed a tear in the 5 years we have been together.

I just don't understand how some low life crack whore can pop out 10 babies and not want a single one of them, and I, someone who would love, care for them and guard them with my whole life has it all taken away.

I just want a reason. Someone to tell me WHY. The doctor's ran some tests, 8 1/2 hours of tests and all they can say is they have NO clue that everything looks normal and "good" and they don't have a clue as to WHY. My husband wants to wait until he's home before we start heavy testing to see if the WHY can be answered. Honestly, it scares me. I'm broken, Can I be fixed? So many, What ifs. So much confusion. So much anger.. too much of everything.

I find it hard to see the positive right now, and for me.. that's odd because I can find the positive in every situation I have faced. I've always been able to say, "It will happen", and now I even doubt myself saying that.

I have never been full of so many mixed emotions in my life.

Even Superwoman has a Bad Day

Today was the day I finally allowed myself the chance to process that my husband was away. So, in other words.. today was a not so good day. I started this blog so others could see the ups and downs of my life. To see my Journey as a Navy Wife. Well, here's my first "down". I'm going to write this as if I was writing my husband, because he knows me best, and understands me more than anyone in this world. That being said, I will be able to express how I feel a little better and feel comfortable writing.

Dear Mr. Amazing (yes I really do call my husband this. He truly is.),

Today I got really bummed out when you didn't write. I got my hopes up for an email when I started to feel a little Blah. I had to remind myself that everything is ok. That I'm strong enough and it's ok to have days where I feel alone, that it's normal. I know you're not going to be able to email me every day. I just have to remind myself of that on the days it feels harder. I just have to think positive and not let negativity fill my head, because it will eat at me. I'm better now, I promise. I guess I was due for a little time to just let it out. I've been doing so well at just keeping busy and staying positive, I was bound to crack at some point. I know you love me, and that if you could you would email me or better yet call me if you could. I know you have only been gone a short time, but I didn't get the chance to process the fact that you were even leaving. That you weren't on a "Duty" day. That's what it felt like. Every day I have felt like you were going to come home the next morning. Even though I know you haven't had Duty in Months. I guess that's a good way to look at it, I wish I felt that way earlier so I wouldn't have almost broke down.
We both knew I had a day coming. And I really tried my best not to let it bother me, but this is the first time I have sat down long enough to let my mind wonder. I hope that by me writing you this, it will help me and also help you to understand that I am ok even on my "off" days. I want to be positive and supportive. I want to be understanding, and I know I am.. I just need a day to recollect myself I guess. I can't rely on an email to come to make me feel better. I have to rely on myself and our love, thoughts of you and of us to help keep my head up and be the best damn wife I can possibly be. I know we joke that I'm "Superwoman" or whatever. But I guess even Superwoman has a bad day every now and then. After all she is a woman.. and we both know that sometimes hormones get the best of any woman. I guess the constant going and staying busy has physically and mentally drained me. I guess at some point, you have to take a step back to think about things, let it out and pick up where you left off. Process the fact that you are away.. let it out, process.. process.. grasp the fact... pull yourself together and get moving. I almost felt sorry for myself. And oh boy, wouldn't that have been a complete blubbering mess. But luckily, I snapped back to reality. I think I needed the time to think about it.. get it out.. and then be able to realize I can't let it hold me back or make me feel sorry for myself. Well, now that we've had our little therapy session, I'm going to go back to packing now. Superwoman is moving in about 2 weeks and has only 1 room packed completely. 

Well, I hope I didn't loose anyone there.. I'm sure if this was actually going to be given to my husband it would have been full of mushy stuff and I love yous.. but I avoided all that so I wouldn't make you all sick (haha) and to prevent this from being a never ending post. Maybe someone will relate to how I feel. Even in my days that I don't feel strong enough, I still see the positive in myself. I just hope I never loose that.

Yes, I do really get called "Superwoman" and not just by my husband. I guess one day I will post about that. But for now, this is it.

Boot Camp Blues

I am writing this post because I know several ladies that have husbands who are leaving in a few months. Some are leaving to boot camp and some are  deploying.

I do not know what it's like going through a deployment. So, a deployment blog will come later. I do know what it's like leading up to boot camp and the during. Hopefully what I have to say will help someone who reads this.

I had a lot of anxiety leading up to the day Nick left for boot camp. I knew he would be safe during his time away, but I was going to be alone. I was a newlywed, and I was going to be without my husband for 9 weeks (he graduated in 7 weeks). Lots of questions running through my head and I had noone to answer them. When will he call? Will he write me? Will he stop loving me? Will he be different when he comes home? And so much more.

I tried not to show Nick that it was bothering me that he was leaving, after-all.. I supported his decision to join the Navy. We had just married, and I already depended on him so much. I needed him. He knew it was bothering me. He knows how to read me better than anyone I have ever met. But he understood. You see, he had some of the same anxiety as I did and more. People would say things like, "Your wife will find someone to replace you while you're gone". He trusted me and didn't believe the things that people would say, but it would cross his mind.. "What if?". He had some the same questions as I did. Will she write me? Will she stop loving me? Will things be different?  Hopefully I can clear up a few of these questions for you from what I know from my experiences.

When will he call? Nick called a few hours after he arrived at boot camp. He was not allowed to say anything more than, "Hey baby it's me. I made it. I love you so much. Tell  mom and dad I made it. I gotta go now, bye.".
I had been carrying 2 phones with me all evening. I didn't want to miss a call. I knew his plane should have arrived Great Lakes around 6pm. I waited. 7pm came, no call. 830pm, nothing. 10pm and I still had not heard from him. I was beginning to wonder if they would let him call. I laid in our bed with two phones on my pillow just waiting. I couldn't sleep. 12:01am one of the phone's ring. I snatch it up real fast, hoping it was him. "Hello?".. "Hey baby...".
I was unsure how long it would be before he would get to call again. Just 2 days later he called again. This time he got to talk for about 7 minutes. He was rewarded for doing something good and he was able to call. He told me a little about what he had been doing. I could tell he was smiling the whole time, I'm sure he could tell I was too. It was a couple weeks later before he called again, and I missed the call. I was at work and I just had this sinking feeling I had missed a call. I checked my phone, I had missed his call. Yes, I cried. It was the worst feeling ever. Luckily he was able to call his mom and he got to talk to her for 15 minutes. Nick was able to call the next week because they had lost some paperwork about me, if they didn't get it, I would not be able to get TriCare. Lucky for us the lady handling his file was nice and let him barrow her cell phone to sneak me a call to fix it. She let him call 3 times on her cell phone in 2 weeks because every fax we sent wasn't coming out clear enough. I expected him to call on Thanksgiving day, but he never did. So, don't get your hopes up, you will feel crushed if you do. I didn't get another phone call from him until the week of graduation to tell me about the ceremony and weekend liberty. He called again the day before Graduation when we were on our way to Great Lakes, this is when he will forsure know about weekend liberty, his schedule, flights, etc. They had changed some things from what he had told us earlier in the week.

Will he/she write me? I received my first letter from him in about a week. It was actually just a 2 page printout that told a little about boot camp, what you can and cannot send, etc. On the very last page, they gave him two lines to write a message. That message made my heart flutter in a good way. It was my first note from him. After that, I received a letter from him every Wednesday. He said he was only allowed to write on Sundays. Sometimes he would write me in the dark, or while he was waiting to iron his uniform.
I started writing Nick just two days after he had been at boot camp. His recruiter had stopped by and had gave me his address to start writing him. I would write him every single day. It was something I would look forward to doing. It would make me feel better. He said he would read my letters every night. He looked forward to getting them. He said the letters meant so much to him.

Will he/she stop loving me? In our case, it made us closer. Our relationship felt like we had just started dating again. you could just tell by looking at us that the love that was already there was stronger. It hadn't been broken. I personally don't believe it is possible to fall out of love with someone, but sometimes anxiety will make you question everything.

Will he be different? More than likely, yes. Nick was different in ways. He was still the same man I married and loved so much, but he was a Sailor now. He had grown up so much during those weeks. He will be more patient with some things and impatient with others. He will have a lot more Pride than when he left.
You will be different too. You will find that you are more patient and You have grown up more yourself.

As far as the whole cheating thing. I never cheated on my husband. People will talk and start rumors. They are just that. Rumors. I had a girl say she saw me at the mall all over some guy on Thanksgiving day. 1.The only guy I had been to the mall with the entire time Nick was away was my younger brother and 2. I had to work on Thanksgiving day and when I left work I went straight to my grandmother's house. People who are unhappy obviously just want to bring you to their level. Just ignore them.

One thing as a military wife you will learn is to be INndependent. You have to learn that you can't rely on him to be there to take care of you. You have to depend on yourself.

Leading up to him leaving, focus on spending time with him. Enjoy the time you have with him before he leaves. Try not to focus on him leaving. If you make the thought of him leaving your main focus, you will not enjoy the time you have with him or be grateful for it.
While he's gone, Keep yourself busy. Try new things and write to him about your experiences. Start a new book, join a gym, start a blog.. There are so many things you can do to help pass the time. You will have days that you just want to cry. I know all about them. I remember a couple nights where I would lay in bed, read his letters and just boo-hoo.Write him as much as possible. Keep him updated on everything, but stay positive. Leave all negativity out. He doesn't need that. Staying positive will help the both of you make it through this stepping stone in to the Journey of being a Military Family.