Today I got really bummed out when you didn't write. I got my hopes up for an email when I started to feel a little Blah. I had to remind myself that everything is ok. That I'm strong enough and it's ok to have days where I feel alone, that it's normal. I know you're not going to be able to email me every day. I just have to remind myself of that on the days it feels harder. I just have to think positive and not let negativity fill my head, because it will eat at me. I'm better now, I promise. I guess I was due for a little time to just let it out. I've been doing so well at just keeping busy and staying positive, I was bound to crack at some point. I know you love me, and that if you could you would email me or better yet call me if you could. I know you have only been gone a short time, but I didn't get the chance to process the fact that you were even leaving. That you weren't on a "Duty" day. That's what it felt like. Every day I have felt like you were going to come home the next morning. Even though I know you haven't had Duty in Months. I guess that's a good way to look at it, I wish I felt that way earlier so I wouldn't have almost broke down.
We both knew I had a day coming. And I really tried my best not to let it bother me, but this is the first time I have sat down long enough to let my mind wonder. I hope that by me writing you this, it will help me and also help you to understand that I am ok even on my "off" days. I want to be positive and supportive. I want to be understanding, and I know I am.. I just need a day to recollect myself I guess. I can't rely on an email to come to make me feel better. I have to rely on myself and our love, thoughts of you and of us to help keep my head up and be the best damn wife I can possibly be. I know we joke that I'm "Superwoman" or whatever. But I guess even Superwoman has a bad day every now and then. After all she is a woman.. and we both know that sometimes hormones get the best of any woman. I guess the constant going and staying busy has physically and mentally drained me. I guess at some point, you have to take a step back to think about things, let it out and pick up where you left off. Process the fact that you are away.. let it out, process.. process.. grasp the fact... pull yourself together and get moving. I almost felt sorry for myself. And oh boy, wouldn't that have been a complete blubbering mess. But luckily, I snapped back to reality. I think I needed the time to think about it.. get it out.. and then be able to realize I can't let it hold me back or make me feel sorry for myself. Well, now that we've had our little therapy session, I'm going to go back to packing now. Superwoman is moving in about 2 weeks and has only 1 room packed completely.
We both knew I had a day coming. And I really tried my best not to let it bother me, but this is the first time I have sat down long enough to let my mind wonder. I hope that by me writing you this, it will help me and also help you to understand that I am ok even on my "off" days. I want to be positive and supportive. I want to be understanding, and I know I am.. I just need a day to recollect myself I guess. I can't rely on an email to come to make me feel better. I have to rely on myself and our love, thoughts of you and of us to help keep my head up and be the best damn wife I can possibly be. I know we joke that I'm "Superwoman" or whatever. But I guess even Superwoman has a bad day every now and then. After all she is a woman.. and we both know that sometimes hormones get the best of any woman. I guess the constant going and staying busy has physically and mentally drained me. I guess at some point, you have to take a step back to think about things, let it out and pick up where you left off. Process the fact that you are away.. let it out, process.. process.. grasp the fact... pull yourself together and get moving. I almost felt sorry for myself. And oh boy, wouldn't that have been a complete blubbering mess. But luckily, I snapped back to reality. I think I needed the time to think about it.. get it out.. and then be able to realize I can't let it hold me back or make me feel sorry for myself. Well, now that we've had our little therapy session, I'm going to go back to packing now. Superwoman is moving in about 2 weeks and has only 1 room packed completely.
Well, I hope I didn't loose anyone there.. I'm sure if this was actually going to be given to my husband it would have been full of mushy stuff and I love yous.. but I avoided all that so I wouldn't make you all sick (haha) and to prevent this from being a never ending post. Maybe someone will relate to how I feel. Even in my days that I don't feel strong enough, I still see the positive in myself. I just hope I never loose that.
Yes, I do really get called "Superwoman" and not just by my husband. I guess one day I will post about that. But for now, this is it.
Oh girl, I totally understand where you are coming from. There are days when I feel like I just can't take it but then it comes to days like this where I'm like "OMG the big day is right around the corner"! Ryan has been gone for almost 2 months. It sucks! It has sucked since day one but this Navy girlfriend has one heck of a strong heart!
ReplyDeleteWell said!
ReplyDeleteI know EXACTLY how you feel sweetie! We all have those days where we want to scream, but it gets better, even if it never ever gets easier. Here's hopig tomorrow is a better one for you!
ReplyDeleteYes even Superwoman has a bad day! This one does too! I understand some days it is just so hard you have to break down. AND it is healthy to do so! Emails always help those days, but we don't always get those wonderful things. I am glad you shared this with all of us. It takes a strong woman to love our Military men, but we can do it! God Bless and Much Love
ReplyDeleteI completely know what you mean...I had one of these days yesterday! As mil spouses we are expected to deal with so much, and after our hubbys leave it takes awhile for it to process. When my hubby left a few months ago for his first deployment it took me almost a full week for it to really sink in. After driving him to the airport so he could fly to Va I shed a few tears but told myself to be strong. I don't know how long your hubby will be gone for but all I can say is hang in there. :)It gets a little easier each day and before you know it he will be coming home again! Keep your head up girl! And if you ever need to talk I'm here for ya! And remember, Super woman is allowed to have a bad day every now and then! :)
ReplyDeletexoxo
new follower here :)
ReplyDeletethose are the worst days. the only thing i can for certain is you will have more days like these-but the good news is you will also have awesome days. days that you accomplished something all on your own that you never though you could do. it's those kind of days that will make the bad days seem better. hang in there.
Oh my dear, this is all too familiar. Right away, it comes natural to just stay busy and occupy your mind, but that doesn't work for too long. It's not the same when half of you is missing. You seem like a very strong person, I am curious as to why everyone calls you superwoman....wanna share some tips with me? :) It is important to allow yourself to process, to feel that loneliness and emotions. You seem like me, where you bottle it in and hold it together, when inside it's a struggle to put one foot in front of the other without tears spilling all over. Then after holding it in for so long, the tiniest thing makes it burst like a volcano, all those pent up emotions gush out. It's probably healthier to feel what you're feeling in the moment, get it all out, then proceed. :) You have many people rooting for you, Me being one of them :)
ReplyDeleteVery nice blog!!! My wife and I had 30 great years together in the Navy. I started as a Seaman Recruit and finished as a Captain - could not have done it without her!!! If you need any help along the way, let us know. We hope you and your husband enjoy it as much as we did. All the best to you both and THANK YOU BOTH FOR YOUR SERVICE.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, isn't it? How we can make ourselves be so busy with projects and people and "things," that when we actually stop for a minute, that's when the loneliness and longing appears.
ReplyDeleteI've been so busy during this deployment that I actually wished for a night that I could just do nothing. But then that night came and I regretted it, because that loneliness I mentioned above creeped in.
I think anyone dealing with a deployment is a Superwoman. We are because we have to be.
Yes...even Superwoman will have bad days! Ugh...I learned quickly that the subforce will bring many bad days, especially when we go days and days or weeks without one single email! I'm happily enjoying shore duty for now, but we only have another year left...hope you will be there when I have my bad days too :( I can always send my kids your way, I'm sure they will help make your day even worse :) LOL...j/k I'm sure they will make you laugh endlessly!
ReplyDeleteI am having one of those days today. It really hit me that he was gone and there isn't a thing I could do about it except wait until he comes home. If one more person tells me "oh thats not that long" or "thats not bad" I am going to flip out and throw something at them!
ReplyDeleteI'm a new follower, but I really related to this. My Hubbers will be leaving very soon for our first deployment together and I'm a whirlwind of emotions. I've gotten some of the not-so-helpful "you signed up for this" reactions and it was really great to read about the ups and downs and feel like there's nothing wrong with getting upset sometimes. Today it really started feeling real when Hubbers turned to me and asked if I thought the dogs would miss him, too. Thanks so much for posting your honest feelings, I think I speak for at least a few other followers when I say that it really helps get through some stressful times.
ReplyDelete:( I'm sorry girl. I know how you feel (though mine is not in deployment) and you saw my post about it. And you said "Just keep positive. Every day that passes is another closer to being with him :)" those words are true for you as well.
ReplyDeleteKeep your chin up.
Sarah
http://confessionsofasailorswife.blogspot.com/
Thanks everyone!
ReplyDeleteThanks Captain - Special Duty Cryptology! So far we are enjoying it very much. Even through the days that our tough, we can't see our life without the Navy.
Laina, I will post a blog on why My husband, our friends and some family call me superwoman.. lol :)
I usually don't hold my feelings in, I always try to express myself as best as possible. But sometimes, when you get too busy and there is too much going on... You stop for just one second and reality hits you like a ton of bricks!
The Hapa Girl, Send me those kiddos! lol I wouldn't mind one bit! :D Gosh, I want a baby! lol
The Voigts, Thank you :). Although we did sign up for this.. it doesn't mean it is going to be any easier. We're going to have hard times too. We're going to miss them. Just because we married the military doesn't mean we can't have emotions. I guess people just think we're supposed to be cold-hearted or just heartless... they know nothing of a military wife.
The Sawyer Bunch, Very true. We all need that little reminder every now and then.