Wednesday, October 26, 2011

She’s got a baby inside And holds her belly tight

The title is quoted from Colbie Caillat's song "Capri". I've heard the song a million times shuffled on my iPod and I have never paid a bit of attention to the lyrics. Last night while Insomnia was raging, I was listening to music while uploading galleries to my website. "Capri" came on and for the first time, I payed attention to what she was singing.

The Lyrics,

"She’s got a baby inside And holds her belly tight All through the night Just so she knows She’s sleeping so Safely to keep Her growing And oh when she'll open her eyes There'll be no surprise That she'll grow to be So beautifully" 
circled in my head.

Lately, I've been battling my husband's baby fever- and well, my own. If you've been reading my blog for a while, then you know I've faced miscarriages more than once.

Over the weekend, I heard my husband talking on the phone about our baby issues. It hit me how much he wants to be a daddy. On top of that, I realized how much it affects him- he feels like it's his fault.
My husband isn't one to show emotion, it's hard for him to acknowledge when something bothers him. Give him a couple shots of Vodka, and he starts talking. I think he might have been on the phone with his parents, pretty sure he was. He was talking about how he doesn't know what's wrong and how he wonders if it's his fault.

I know it's not his fault. We know we can get pregnant, just my body has rejected the baby every time. Because of this, and the upcoming deployment, I'm not willing to try again right now. I'm too scared. I'm scared to potentially face the same thing again, a miscarriage. I'm scared to have a baby during deployment, honestly it's not even the part of being during deployment.. it just scares me. I worry, because of the issues, that something would be wrong with the baby.

Right now, It's killing me. Knowing how much my husband wants a baby- and feeling like my body is broken. It's been over a year since my last miscarriage- but it's something you never forget.

I know it will happen when it happens. I don't want to hear, "Maybe now isn't the right time.". You just don't say that to someone who has miscarried. I know you mean the best- but it doesn't make one who has been through it feel the best. Not even close.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Past Blog- I Miss You More

During deployment, I guest blogged for Confessions of a Sailor's Wife I eventually wanted to host the post on my blog as well and never did. So, here's finally putting it up. You may see me referring back to many posts here until Christmas. Crazy as it may sound, my own blog is inspiring more posts. I guess that would be a good thing, right?

"I miss you more!" is a common phrase between my husband and myself. But tonight, I sit here and ponder that thought- the ability to "miss someone more". Is it possible?
Lately, I have wondered about it. And the more I think about it.. the more I really think about the saying "Missing someone is missing someone". What exactly qualifies a person to miss the other more?
I have been told by many that I don't miss my husband as much as they do theirs. Why? Because I handle deployment differently. Deployment isn't hard for me. Maybe I will face a challenge during this time- Like having to get the car fixed on my own.. But is that what makes deployment hard? Deployment didn't do anything to me or my car.. Deployment is the distance between me and my loved one. Deployment is a choice my husband made when he enlisted. So, of course I don't hold any hostility toward deployment, and I don't find the distance hard. Distance is a challenge and I like challenges- So, Is that saying I like deployment? Maaaaybe.
I like having to communicate differently with my husband. I LOVE emails. I love sending care packages and I LOVE not getting phone calls often so when I do.. I'm First kiss excited. Deployment isn't hard, Deployment is a new relationship with my husband.
Because I don't find deployment hard, and because I handle deployment very well, does that mean I don't miss my husband? No. It does not mean I don't miss my husband. I miss my husband more than anything. Does it mean I miss them any less, No! Just means I handle deployment and separation due to deployment far differently.
When my husband and I were separated for boot camp and a-school (9 months total), I missed my husband. I didn't miss him more at the end of it than I did in the beginning. The thing that changed was I grew more anxious to be with him. I missed him all the same. This deployment will be the same. Over a month into this deployment.. my "missing him" is no different. I just miss him.
Maybe when someone says they "Miss you more" it's "I miss more things about you". This I can see being true. As time passes, I find more things I "Miss" about my husband. Week 1 & 2.. I DIDN'T miss picking up his socks from the floor. More than a month- I wouldn't mind seeing his dirty, smelly socks everywhere.
I think "I miss you more" is more of a term of endearment. To show how you care for the other. It's like "I love you more". Really and truly.. who can be the judge on who loves who more and who misses who more?
I think it's just another competition. Whether we want to believe it or not, we are always competing... with ourselves, with our Significant others and others in similar situations as us. In the end, it's all the same. We miss each other the same- how you deal with it is the difference.

Saturday, October 22, 2011


I disabled my blog for several days. I'm not sure why I did it..

I think I needed to step away from the blogging world, even though I rarely blog anymore. Why do I blog? I use to like blogging, now it's only a means for a select few to attack me. It's annoying and childish. I can't tell you when the last time I read my comments to blog posts. If I saw a familiar name pop up- I'd read it. I dunno how many comments I've left unread. That's not like me. I use to respond to everyone.

I decided to open my blog back up because there are those who DO find support in my blogging. I know this because I've received so many messages, emails, etc the past few days from people asking for access back to my blog.

I opened my blog back for you. You as in those people who have actually noticed and taken interest as to why it was shut down- noone could see it but me. I opened it back up for me- because this is MY blog and I shouldn't let grown women who behave like 13 year olds get under my skin. But unlike them, I have a heart and I have feelings. Occasionally, the pettiness of these women do get to me.

I need to find the old blogger in me. The one who liked blogging and reading other's blogs. I honestly cannot tell you when the last time I actually read someone's blog! I use to read blogs regularly.

When it comes to the military.. what is there to write about that I haven't already written about? It seems a bit repetitive. I think.. I need to step out of my box and start finding new things to blog about, new things to help people with. I do like helping people, I always have.

I know that in the process of getting back to that old blogger I once was, I will deal with the same petty childish behavior I have been facing for the past year on my blog. There are people who have always looked down on me and labeled me a "know it all" and not meaning it in good terms. There will always be those people. Eventually, you throw in the towel... now, I'm picking up the boxing gloves. I'm not going to let these  depressed, unhappy girls bring me down because I am truly happy with where I am in my life. I AM HAPPY being a 24 year old married WOMAN whose husband just so happens to be a Sailor.

I am happy being me. And for those who have issue with me, or don't like me. Well Poo on you. You're missing out because I do have a heart. I do care and I can be one of the best friend's that anyone could possibly have.

I catch hell because my best quality is also my worst quality- depending on how you look at it. I am a very honest person. I hold nothing back and I will hold my heart out on my sleeve. One thing I can't stand is a liar and I won't lie to anyone. Being honest makes me opinionated- so be it. I'm glad I have an opinion- and I honestly don't care if what I think doesn't go with the popular vote. It's mine and it doesn't have to agree with any or every other person's thoughts or their facts.

It may be some time before I open my blog fan page back up- but for now, we're going to work on the blog. I'm going to start reading again. I think I'm going to go back and maybe even read my own blog. Who knows. I knew I've had a lot of followers for some time, but I never knew how many supporters I had until I shut down this blog.

Thank you to those supporters.

Saturday, October 8, 2011


I'm hoping I'm not the only one with this problem, this is why I have decided to write about this.

This is for those of you who blog, those of you who have a larger reader base.

It has recently been brought to my attention that a reader of mine has, I guess, got so caught up in my blog, and feels as if we are friends in "real" life.

Not saying that I'm not friends with my readers, however, I'm completely unsure how to go about wording it.

I'm talking about someone who gets so caught up in your blog, they feel like they KNOW you, not just you but your husband, your relationship, your life, etc.

Yes, I do blog about some personal things, however, I make a point to leave a lot of personal stuff out- especially when it comes to my husband.

When someone, of which I don't know- never seen nor talked to in real life or the virtual world, starts talking about my relationship with my husband, Referring to my husband by first name (which I haven't even done in my blog in over a year), and seemingly facebook stalking me.. it gets kind of creepy.

There's a point where it's flattering, however, The way this person was talking about me, my blog, my relationship AND my husband without me not knowing the girl- AT ALL- is just a little too much.

Just really makes me think a lot. I told my husband about everything, and he was pretty weirded out by it all as well.

How do you deal with it? Do you just ignore it as if it's nothing?

I love that so many find support in what I say, or find understanding in my many rants.. But PLEASE, don't make our virtual relationship creepy! I would hate to have to make my blog private because of this.

My husband wanted me out of Tennessee because I had a stalker (seriously). I really don't want similar issues here in Virginia.

Friday, October 7, 2011

I Miss My Clean House!

The husband has been home for almost 3 months, and I have yet to see what our new place looks like clean. It's depressing!

I always knew my husband was a mess, but I could keep up with him- now, I feel like I'm turning into a slob too! And of course, mess comes with having a couple guys from the ship staying here as well. You'd think some messy college kids live here!

Looking at our coffee table, I'm for sure to blame for the mess there. More than 90% of the coffee table is covered, and the only think I see on it that IS NOT mine, is my husband's xbox controller. How sad is that? Yeah, pretty sad.

Our carpet already has a couple stains, Laundry is everywhere and there are dishes in the sink.

I'm wondering how I ever kept up with everything. Oh, that's right.. I didn't have a job! I made housework a full time job. Now, my photography business is keeping me very busy, as well as TShirt designing.

There are 4 people in this house that love to eat. There is ALWAYS a dirty dish somewhere.

I know, I know.. You're thinking, "Just wait until you have kids!". Well, when we have a baby, I'm pretty sure there won't be any roommates living here. I think it will even out. I'm constantly tripping over things they throw in the floor, xbox games everywhere.. gaming system controllers. I'm always picking up some sort of bottle, whether it's a coke bottle, some other bottle or the occasional beer bottle.

PLUS, we have 3 animals. Roo, who is my obnoxious 46lb Pitty, Musket, a 17lb cat that thinks he's a pit bull, and Converse, my kitten who is only about 3lbs, but the most obnoxious animal I've ever seen. They can be messy too! There is no "Can Be" to that, they ARE messy. Converse think's he's an acrobat, anything he can jump on, climb or swing on- he's tried, usually resorting in a mess. Roo, well.. she just doesn't realize how big she is and will knock things over, or she'll get the "Zoomies"..  that just sounds like hell, so you can only imagine what it's like with her! Musket.. he's actually the calmer of the 3. However, he gets the "Zoomies" too, and sometimes I think he thinks he can fly when he has them, resulting in a mess everywhere.

Is it bad that I want a day with no work, and no animals or men in this house? MAYBE then I would see this place clean, for once.

Well, now it's time to put some laundry in, wash some dishes and get to editing some images for a client.