circled in my head."She’s got a baby inside And holds her belly tight All through the night Just so she knows She’s sleeping so Safely to keep Her growing And oh when she'll open her eyes There'll be no surprise That she'll grow to be So beautifully"
Lately, I've been battling my husband's baby fever- and well, my own. If you've been reading my blog for a while, then you know I've faced miscarriages more than once.
Over the weekend, I heard my husband talking on the phone about our baby issues. It hit me how much he wants to be a daddy. On top of that, I realized how much it affects him- he feels like it's his fault.
My husband isn't one to show emotion, it's hard for him to acknowledge when something bothers him. Give him a couple shots of Vodka, and he starts talking. I think he might have been on the phone with his parents, pretty sure he was. He was talking about how he doesn't know what's wrong and how he wonders if it's his fault.
I know it's not his fault. We know we can get pregnant, just my body has rejected the baby every time. Because of this, and the upcoming deployment, I'm not willing to try again right now. I'm too scared. I'm scared to potentially face the same thing again, a miscarriage. I'm scared to have a baby during deployment, honestly it's not even the part of being during deployment.. it just scares me. I worry, because of the issues, that something would be wrong with the baby.
Right now, It's killing me. Knowing how much my husband wants a baby- and feeling like my body is broken. It's been over a year since my last miscarriage- but it's something you never forget.
I know it will happen when it happens. I don't want to hear, "Maybe now isn't the right time.". You just don't say that to someone who has miscarried. I know you mean the best- but it doesn't make one who has been through it feel the best. Not even close.