Wednesday, October 26, 2011

She’s got a baby inside And holds her belly tight

The title is quoted from Colbie Caillat's song "Capri". I've heard the song a million times shuffled on my iPod and I have never paid a bit of attention to the lyrics. Last night while Insomnia was raging, I was listening to music while uploading galleries to my website. "Capri" came on and for the first time, I payed attention to what she was singing.

The Lyrics,

"She’s got a baby inside And holds her belly tight All through the night Just so she knows She’s sleeping so Safely to keep Her growing And oh when she'll open her eyes There'll be no surprise That she'll grow to be So beautifully" 
circled in my head.

Lately, I've been battling my husband's baby fever- and well, my own. If you've been reading my blog for a while, then you know I've faced miscarriages more than once.

Over the weekend, I heard my husband talking on the phone about our baby issues. It hit me how much he wants to be a daddy. On top of that, I realized how much it affects him- he feels like it's his fault.
My husband isn't one to show emotion, it's hard for him to acknowledge when something bothers him. Give him a couple shots of Vodka, and he starts talking. I think he might have been on the phone with his parents, pretty sure he was. He was talking about how he doesn't know what's wrong and how he wonders if it's his fault.

I know it's not his fault. We know we can get pregnant, just my body has rejected the baby every time. Because of this, and the upcoming deployment, I'm not willing to try again right now. I'm too scared. I'm scared to potentially face the same thing again, a miscarriage. I'm scared to have a baby during deployment, honestly it's not even the part of being during deployment.. it just scares me. I worry, because of the issues, that something would be wrong with the baby.

Right now, It's killing me. Knowing how much my husband wants a baby- and feeling like my body is broken. It's been over a year since my last miscarriage- but it's something you never forget.

I know it will happen when it happens. I don't want to hear, "Maybe now isn't the right time.". You just don't say that to someone who has miscarried. I know you mean the best- but it doesn't make one who has been through it feel the best. Not even close.


  1. I've had some family members/ friends who have miscarried.. I am so sorry. I'm probably one of those awkward people who say the wrong thing.. but I hope everything works out for you and your husband, just the way you want it to.

  2. You are a beautiful person and you will be a wonderful mother (and Nick a wonderful father). I don't know what else to say other than God has a plan for you and when you do finally hold that baby in your arms you will be so much more grateful for him/her.

    "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." -- Jeremiah 29:11

  3. Oh, and WHEN you do have your baby I'd be honored to make a quilt for you :)

  4. Thank you, Allison!

    Ashley, Thank you so much. I needed that.

  5. WOW. This Blog definitely felt like me. We have miscarried 7 times. Twice in the past year. It's hard when you know you CAN get pregnant it's just staying pregnant is the issue... Every time it happens I feel like my husband takes it a lot harder than me. I'm sorry to hear. It sucks when people around you keep getting pregnant and having healthy babies and when others say it probably wasn't the best time. Well when would be a good time? because I have met a ton of unstable people that have been able to have kids. We were also thinking about adopting...When we talked to a case worker she told us that military life is considered "unstable." After our last miscarriage we had the baby tested to see if there were any underlying conditions. (there weren't) it's just "spontaneous." I am really sorry to hear I know how hard it can be to be so happy about something and then have it taken away so fast. It may seem overwhelming and stressful. Good Luck, and sending Lots of baby dust your way!