Monday, April 2, 2012

Tough Times Never Last

Didn't deployment just start?

I know. I know it did. The past few days are just dragging.

Today is one of those days where I just wish my husband was home. Okay, the past few days have been like that. I don't find deployment hard, however, sometimes things happen and you just want your husband there with you through it. Some things you just don't want to go through alone or without them.

I guess I'm going to open up about my weekend. I've been avoiding talking about it to everyone because, well, it's not something I can talk about easily nor is it something I like talking about. This post may be a bit TMI, but I'm going to force myself to talk about things. Maybe it'll be good for me.

Friday evening I wasn't feeling too great. I was sluggish and was having stomach pain. I wasn't having cramps, but stabbing pains throughout my abdomen every now and then. To top it off, I was very nauseous. I talked to my husband via email and we both made the decision that if it continued to morning I would go to the doctor.

Saturday I was awakened by what I had almost thought was me peeing on myself. I ran to the bathroom to discover it wasn't pee. The pains in my stomach were double what they were the night before and I was having some awful cramps to go with it.

I emailed my husband to let him know I was going to the doctor and not to worry.

I ended up being in the hospital for more than 8 hours. Come to find out, I was pregnant. My husband and I had suspected I was, but wasn't 100%. I had taken an over the counter pregnancy test earlier that week, it had a faint positive line, but I know many tests if you tilt them in the light a certain way you see what you believe is a positive line. It was also too soon for me to really be able to test. So, I went to the doctor. I had a blood test done and they told me they would call me with the results in a couple days. Before I even received the results, I was in the hospital finding out I was loosing my baby.

They were also concerned about my Gallbladder and my Appendix, as some of the pain was coming from areas higher than expected from a miscarriage. So, while enduring all the other tests, I had to have an ultrasound for my gallbladder as well as a CT of my abdomen. Thankfully, they found no issues or cause for worry.

They tried to find the cause for my miscarriage, and came up empty handed. Everything appears to be good. My Cervix sits a little far to the right,  but the doctor said it wasn't cause for my miscarriage. He said as far as he could tell, my Ovaries are in good shape as well. It just doesn't make any sense to me. My husband and I have had multiple miscarriages and noone can explain to us why my body rejects a baby every time.

Anyway, After more than 8 hours at the hospital being poked, hooked up to an IV and more, I was finally released to go home. My husband had emailed me saying he was going to call me, he was granted permission to use the Office phones as it was considered an emergency (meaning he didn't have to buy a $20 phone card to call me). He's always so strong for me. But I know him, inside it's killing him. It's so hard for him to be away from me, especially when he wants to be here to take care of me. I received an email from him when he should have been asleep, just letting me know he was thinking about me and couldn't sleep. He wanted to make sure I was okay. I can't imagine how hard this really is for him with being so far away.

I know, it will happen when it's meant to be- I think people say that in hopes it makes you feel better. Coming from someone who has been told this MANY times over the past few years- It doesn't. It actually pisses the person being told that off. Just for future reference for anyone.

Another thing, Don't say things the person should have done or shouldn't have done. If you have ever gone through something like this, then you know it's not the easiest thing to go through by far and we do enough blaming ourselves as it is.

That's where I'm at right now. Blaming myself. Any reason to make this my fault, I've silently said it to myself. Feeling like I'm worthless, broken and to blame- All of it.

I've been through this more that once. It doesn't get easier- If it was easy, you wouldn't be human. This time is actually hitting pretty hard. How do you register the thoughts, "You are pregnant" and "You lost your baby." at the same time? If you have the answer, let me know. It's seriously confusing and screws with your head.

Oh, to top it off.. I received a call from my regular doctor today. Yup, "Your results are positive, you're pregnant.". Meh. Thanks Doc.

It's hard right now, but like everything else, I will get through this. One day, I will have a baby- Either by a pregnancy with me, a surrogate, or adoption. One day. And when it happens, it will be the greatest thing to have ever happened to myself as well as my husband.

Tough times never last. Tough times never last. Tough times never last.

I'll just keep repeating that to myself. Positivity and strength beat it all.


  1. I am so sorry for your loss. :(

    I remember going through the same thing when my husband went IA. I found out I was pregnant right after he left, and it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy. The doctors told me straight up, "You're pregnant, but you are going to miscarry". As a mother, those are some of the hardest words to hear.

    As far as this, "How do you register the thoughts, "You are pregnant" and "You lost your baby." at the same time?", you just take one thought at a time. It's incredibly hard to process everything at once. It's like getting hit in the face with a brick. You feel almost overpowered by the emotions. I remember just feel paralyzed by them, then feeling numb, then getting hit again.

    One thing I wished I did after my pregnancy loss was seek out grief counseling. I never got to it, because so much was happening and I couldn't find the time, but that was something I should have utilized. Going through it alone was the worst for me. I'm so sorry you have to go through it too.


  2. Im so sorry honey, now i feel really bad for my stupid joke yesterday...if you ever need anything you can also talk to me

  3. If you need anything I'm here for you :/ I hope everything pans out for you.

  4. Oh my friend, I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you lots of virtual hugs and thoughts and prayers. Hang in there.

  5. I am so sorry! Keeping pray! There is a time for everything. and a season for every activity under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1 Don't worry! Cast all ur anxiety on him because he cares for u!! I'm gonna keeping u and ur husband in my prayers!!

  6. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could give you a hug and just let you cry or vent. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  7. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.

  8. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could give you a hug and just let you cry or vent. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  9. I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your husband will be in my prayers. And yes this is one of those times where having your husband here would make it better.

  10. I'm extremely sorry for your loss. As someone going through infertility myself, I can't necessarily say I understand, but I can definitely feel your frustration. As far as what people say... it doesn't matter what ANYONE says... it's never the right thing to say. As my friend once told me, "If a tree falls in the forest, will it make a sound.... Subsequently, if an infertile woman bangs her head against the bathroom wall at a baby shower, will anyone hear it?" I hear you. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

  11. I'm so sorry for your loss and that you & your husband are going through this. We have also lost a baby, and it is truly heartbreaking.

    I never know if I'm saying the right thing, so I will leave it at this: I'm thinking of you.

  12. Thank you all so much. Your words have helped me more than you know.

  13. Christina, I love you very much! This breaks my heart for you. I wish I could just hug the pain away. I want to offer encouragement but I'm not sure how. I'm sure I would be *that* person because I've never experienced any of this. You will make an AWESOME mother one day! I just know it. This is meant to be encouraging: one of my good friends and her husband have been trying to have a baby for 8 years now. They were approved for adoption in December and received their sweet baby girl one month ago tomorrow! I'm so excited to see what life has in store for you! You're too awesome not to be a mother! :)