I'm stressed.. and it's not because my husband is away.. I mean, I miss him and it would be so much easier if he were home right now, but that's not why I'm stressed. Maybe stressed isn't the right word.. I'm happy, but at the same time, I feel like I'm loosing it? Mixed emotions with so much going on. I don't know what I'm feeling in all honesty.
I handle these workups quite well. I'm proud of myself for that. I have control over my emotions pretty well. Occasionally things get to me, and until I made this blog, noone other than my husband knew anything that ran through this head of mine, I guess because no one truly wanted to listen. But lately.. my emotions are getting the best of me.
I'm always in a good mood, even when I'm upset.. I'm always the one smiling... and staying positive. Noone ever sees me upset. I don't like for people to see me upset.. and on the days where I don't feel like smiling, I smile anyways.. and make the day a good one. But today, I feel like someone just hit the replay button on my emotions from last month, refer to the post "Not keeping it bottled up" .. 6th paragraph. It didn't happen again, I'm just feeling those emotions as if I had, but times 1,000 right now.
The past couple days I have been happy, and sad all at the same time. That mess will screw with your head.. I can't seem to get a grip on it. I see pregnant friends.. or friends with kids.. and it makes me smile so much, but at the same time, my heart is aching. I'm jealous too, why are they so lucky?
I want to talk about it.. but I don't know how, or noone wants to listen.. or they don't understand. What am I wanting to hear from them? Or do I want them to just say nothing and listen? The baby conversation comes up and I'll say we're not having any luck yet. The response I always get it "Well, you haven't been trying for long".. For some reason, that just bothers me. The person knows I've miscarried, and so what if we've only been "officially" trying for 4 months.. in the past 2 years we've had 3 forsure miscarriages, and possibly 2 others. I would rather not get pregnant at all than to go through a miscarriage.. again.
Maybe I need to let myself think about all these emotions and get it all out there.. maybe even a good cry, even that's hard for me to do. I keep myself so busy so that I have no time to think about it.. that the slightest bit of downtime, my mind is flooded with all sorts of questions, and what ifs.. etc. I knew I should have went to bed an hour ago.. I could hardly keep my eyes open and now, here I am... with a flooded mind.
With this underway, I have found myself just wanting to stay home. I feel comfortable at home. I have fun when I go out with the girls, but I see their babies, or they talk about kids.. and those emotions start to come back. I'll be having fun, happy.. but on the inside, I'm being tortured. I find myself not engaging in conversations as much.. being more reserved at times... and those of you who know me on a personal level.. know that sometimes It's hard to shut me up! Don't get me wrong, I love talking about babies.. but under the circumstances, it kills me. Something that makes me so happy, is ripping me apart at the same time.
I'm going to the doctor in a few weeks. I'm hoping that he can ease my mind a little bit and maybe give me an insight to what's going on or what I can do.
I try to stay positive, and I tell myself this is in God's hands.. but I also find myself questioning God. I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I think "If now is not the right time, then why make me go through this so many times?". I feel like I'm almost at the point where I don't want to try anymore. That maybe I'm not meant to be a mommy. Ugh, that hurts.
Wow, I guess blogging does help some. Oddly enough, I feel like someone listened.. and I'm not really talking to anyone directly.. just typing to a screen.
Off to bed. Tomorrow is a whole New day. Christina, Just keep smiling.