I handle these workups quite well. I'm proud of myself for that. I have control over my emotions pretty well. Occasionally things get to me, and until I made this blog, noone other than my husband knew anything that ran through this head of mine, I guess because no one truly wanted to listen. But lately.. my emotions are getting the best of me.
I'm always in a good mood, even when I'm upset.. I'm always the one smiling... and staying positive. Noone ever sees me upset. I don't like for people to see me upset.. and on the days where I don't feel like smiling, I smile anyways.. and make the day a good one. But today, I feel like someone just hit the replay button on my emotions from last month, refer to the post "Not keeping it bottled up" .. 6th paragraph. It didn't happen again, I'm just feeling those emotions as if I had, but times 1,000 right now.
The past couple days I have been happy, and sad all at the same time. That mess will screw with your head.. I can't seem to get a grip on it. I see pregnant friends.. or friends with kids.. and it makes me smile so much, but at the same time, my heart is aching. I'm jealous too, why are they so lucky?
I want to talk about it.. but I don't know how, or noone wants to listen.. or they don't understand. What am I wanting to hear from them? Or do I want them to just say nothing and listen? The baby conversation comes up and I'll say we're not having any luck yet. The response I always get it "Well, you haven't been trying for long".. For some reason, that just bothers me. The person knows I've miscarried, and so what if we've only been "officially" trying for 4 months.. in the past 2 years we've had 3 forsure miscarriages, and possibly 2 others. I would rather not get pregnant at all than to go through a miscarriage.. again.
Maybe I need to let myself think about all these emotions and get it all out there.. maybe even a good cry, even that's hard for me to do. I keep myself so busy so that I have no time to think about it.. that the slightest bit of downtime, my mind is flooded with all sorts of questions, and what ifs.. etc. I knew I should have went to bed an hour ago.. I could hardly keep my eyes open and now, here I am... with a flooded mind.
With this underway, I have found myself just wanting to stay home. I feel comfortable at home. I have fun when I go out with the girls, but I see their babies, or they talk about kids.. and those emotions start to come back. I'll be having fun, happy.. but on the inside, I'm being tortured. I find myself not engaging in conversations as much.. being more reserved at times... and those of you who know me on a personal level.. know that sometimes It's hard to shut me up! Don't get me wrong, I love talking about babies.. but under the circumstances, it kills me. Something that makes me so happy, is ripping me apart at the same time.
I'm going to the doctor in a few weeks. I'm hoping that he can ease my mind a little bit and maybe give me an insight to what's going on or what I can do.
I try to stay positive, and I tell myself this is in God's hands.. but I also find myself questioning God. I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I think "If now is not the right time, then why make me go through this so many times?". I feel like I'm almost at the point where I don't want to try anymore. That maybe I'm not meant to be a mommy. Ugh, that hurts.
Wow, I guess blogging does help some. Oddly enough, I feel like someone listened.. and I'm not really talking to anyone directly.. just typing to a screen.
Off to bed. Tomorrow is a whole New day. Christina, Just keep smiling.
I wish I had your strength girl, to "just keep smiling".
ReplyDeleteI'm really very sorry you are going through this, I can't even imagine. I hope you get some answers at your doctor's appointment. You're in my prayers.
Much love.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. While I can't relate to the miscarriages and couldn't even imagine the pain that that brings, I can relate to wanting to have a baby and getting no results. We've been trying for almost 2 years now without any luck what so ever. I had a hunch it was because of PCOS, went through a bunch of testing the past few months and finally had that thought officially confirmed. So it is a little reassuring that it's something I can treat and hopefully have better luck. But it doesn't make the past 2 years any less painful, especially this year when I swear 10-20 friends announced they were pregnant, and with such ease! And I try not to let it get the best of me and try to feel happy for them. But then some of them have blurt out "well maybe if you stop trying too hard it'll happen" or "It's on God's terms" which I don't even have faith, so that's especially obnoxious. They don't seem to understand that it's a medical issue and no amount of "not trying too hard" is going to regulate my hormones or make my ovaries function correctly. I definitely, definitely recommend getting yourself checked out. It sounds like you're planning on that already and that's good. You never know what could be wrong. And if they find out nothing is, I would bring up the option of using Clomid and see if that's something they feel might benefit you. And Tricare will cover that prescription. Hang in there and best of luck to the both of us <3
ReplyDeleteTo an extent, i completely understand what you are talking about. Sometimes i try to be friends with people that don't have kids... just so i don't have to question all of those things all of the time. My mom used to tell me growing up when i would question and start to understand pregnancy, and miscarriages, she would say" a miscarriage is something you can never fully get over, but there is a bright side. One day when you go to heaven, you'll have a bigger family to take care of, and you'll get to meet all of your children"
ReplyDeleteI hope that whatever the outcome of going to the doctor is that you can have a peace about it, and not be anxious. God def. works in mysterious ways, and sometimes it may take a few months or years, but you eventually learn why his way was best. <3
Hugs. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. I'm sending good thoughts your way!
ReplyDeleteSending you LOTS and LOTS of hugs!!!! You and I have talked about this subject before....I know how hard it must be to live each and everyday with this on your brain, how could you NOT? It's consuming. You WILL be a mommy one day, and you will make an excellent mommy! Now that is a TRUE STORY!
ReplyDeleteI listened. And have to say that it felt like you were reading my own thoughts and writing them out for me. Thank you for writing about something I'm not brave enough to. I can listen more, too... sjrbelanger@gmail.com
ReplyDelete-Sarah
I'm listening, Christina. I always have been. Any time you need it you have my number :)
ReplyDeleteIt's good to hear that your going to the doctor. I have several women in my family who have a hard time caring a baby. So I don't "know" what your going through but I have an idea of the emotions you're feeling. I'm sorry to hear that this is happening to you. But don't ever think you're not going to be a mommy. One day you will be a mommy. It may not happen the way you think it's going to but it will.
ReplyDeleteKeep trusting in God. When my husband and I got pregnant for the first time I thought I miscarried. After going to the hospital they told me that one baby was fine but I had lost his twin. We didn't even know we were having twins. It hurt like crazy and I still sometimes look at my son and become sad thinking there could have been two of him. God had a plan for us though and in the end my husband wouldn't have been able to get back into the Navy if we in deed did have twins. There would have been too many dependents. So believe that God has it worked out for you. The plan has yet to be revealed.
Keep your head up and like you said keep smiling. But don't be afraid to tell your friends you're having a hard time. You would be surprised at how understanding they can be.
I think your feelings right now are totally normal and I would think it weird if you were acting any other way. This will be a hard time for you and your hubby. Just make sure to always keep him in the loop as far as your feelings go. That way he can help the best he can. And remember it hurts him too(not that you don't) This is something you can get through but only if you're together.
Sorry this is long. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless.
I just sat here typing out responses to you, sadly each and everyone of them was just horribly clique that doesn't fix the hurt you have. You don't need that. What I will do is give you silence for you to talk when you want to talk. One thing I learned just recently, it's okay to be silent while someone else is hurting. it doesn't mean I don't care, but instead means that I am willing to give my all to them for them to use me as they please till they can process it out. While this comment isn't "silent", I am sorry you are having to deal with this hurt.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're going through this and feeling this way. :( I can't offer any advice but I admire you for the way you're handling it. Just keep your chin up and remember that whatever doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. :)
ReplyDeleteChristina,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but we do have mutual friends and our husbands are on the Big E together. I've read a few of your posts and you remind me a lot of myself. This post, I had to comment on so excuse me being a stranger. :]
You have GOT to stay positive. Positivity attracts positivity. Negativity works the same way. I don't have the perfect words to tell you because I'm sure you've heard it all before. But really, stop trying. I'm not saying this because I feel that you are hurting yourself by trying and not succeeding. I'm telling you this because the best things really do happen to those who wait. If God wanted you pregnant right now, he would do it for you. Have you ever thought that maybe you are trying so hard to make something happen that He Himself is trying to keep from occurring? He has a plan for you dear and he's putting you through all of this for some reason. Maybe it is because when He finally does bless you with that bundle of joy, you will know just how much to appreciate it because of all the times it never worked out in the past. Maybe He knows that having a child will be one thing you don't take for granted because you struggled so much to get it to happen in the first place. Christina, He has blessed you in so many other ways! Be thankful for them! Don't overlook all the things you've been given because one thing, a very important thing, isn't working out for you right now. When the time is right, He will bless you with the thing you want most: a baby. Be patient. Besides, being stressed out doesn't help with the whole process anyway. ;]
Take care of yourself and have faith! It will happen! Good luck!
Mrs. Whichard, you might have had the best of intentions when posting your comment, but it came across quite rude. I have been nothing but positive, and with my situation, I think I'm handling it quite well. There is not negativity in grieving, or in reaching out for a friend. We all need it. Every person in the world is faced with a situation at some point where they need someone to talk to, a way to talk about it and discuss their emotions. Who are you to say that God may think I would take a baby for granted. If ANYTHING... I would see it as being a miracle baby and never loose sight of how much I wanted him or her, and what a Blessing they are to me. You said that I'm being negative, and that it will attract negative attention.. look at all of the positive, uplifting comments to this post.. all of them BUT one is positive, the one not being positive is yours.
ReplyDeleteI will never be considered one who keeps smiling, so you have me beat there! I have two children but that is exactly what alienated me from my old friends! We were all so young and suddenly I was pregnant and I felt abandoned by them. They just didn't know what to do/say to me. Maybe that's the problem here. No one knows what to do/say so you just start falling away from one another. I hope you work it out!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're going through all this. I'm sure it's so tough going on your maternity shoots. But you have such a positive attitude, and I know you're continuing to smile. Hopefully the doc will have some insight. Good smiling, and yes, keep smiling!
ReplyDelete