"You're Going Against God's Will"

Through mine and my husbands marriage, we've had many many people ask, "Do you have children?", "Why don't you have any children?", "Are you planning to have children?", etc.
Typically I can brush it off unaffected, but deep down it stings. It stings because many people don't know we struggle with holding a pregnancy.

This evening, I read a comment on a post to a popular blog that really got under my skin and raised my blood pressure a little bit. To someone who didn't have or maybe even want children, someone posted something along the lines of, "You're going against God's will", and another comment of, "Someone didn't get the memo of planting seeds and procreating".

To those people who said that, to those people who think that... here's a big middle finger to you.

It angers me so much that I can't think clearly on what to write or put into words everything flooding my mind. It takes me back several years ago when someone commented on my blog with, "Maybe God doesn't want you to have a child.", followed by, "Maybe God thinks you will take a child for granted.". All those emotions... all the anger is surfacing again.

I believe God has a plan for everyone. And I am 100% positive it isn't going against God's will if you don't have children. Some of us don't even have the option, Why? Because right now, God has a different plan for us- whether it be to wait, adopt, foster, etc. It's no place for you to belittle nor place judgement of someone who chooses not to, who chooses to wait or can't.

I may be over reacting, I may be just a little touchy on the matter.. but if you have been through what I have even once, you understand what I'm feeling reading that.

Learning to Hit the Curve

Browsing Facebook today made me realize it has been one year since this most recent deployment ended. Now, I find myself looking back on all the events of the past year. Needless to say, it has been a crazy year. 

There have been a lot of good times, but there has been many hard times. 

When you get married, you think about your happily ever after and want everything to be perfect. Well, life throws curve balls and sometimes you feel like you are continuously striking out. 

You know when he comes home from deployment there will be an adjustment period. You go through the lovey-dovey phase, then the cramped phase with a little bickering, and then it all levels out. At least, this is what I expected this go 'round; these were the phases we went through every other time. 

It's been a hard year, but I'm learning how to hit this damn curve ball. 

I knew my husband had a dependency on alcohol early on into our marriage, maybe even before we were married. For the most part before this recent deployment I ignored it. Maybe not ignored it, but I kept telling myself it was a phase he'd grow out of. I was lying to myself, and he was lying to himself when he said he didn't have a problem. 

Deployment 2012, my husband came home with a full blown addiction to alcohol. For at least 2 weeks after he came home, I never saw him sober. I'd come home from work to him drunk and I'd wake up in the morning to him still buzzed. Alcohol controlled my marriage. Honestly, I look back and think, "How did I get through those 2 months after deployment?". By far, being married to someone who has an addiction is the most challenging thing I have ever had to face. I never want to live those days over. 

I'm still swinging. 

As much as some days have made me want to throw my bat down and give up, I'm no quitter. Do I deserve some of the stuff I've been through this past year? Of course not. But, it's a challenge I accept because I know who my husband is and I know my husband is not defined by alcohol. Our marriage is not defined by alcohol. He is a better person for all this year has put us through. I am a stronger person. I feel this has taught us it's going to take a lot more to break us. 

We are still learning how to deal with everything. Every swing, we get a little closer to getting a solid hit on life's big curves.

No one can prepare you for what life is going to throw at you. You just have to keep swinging. 

Photo captured by Cocoa Bean Photography,
USS Enterprise homecoming November 4, 2012

Change of Pace

As many of you know, my journey has been a little on the chaotic side for about a year now. It seems most of 2013 has been full of challenge after challenge. Needless to say, I'm counting down to 2014 (about 100 days!) and to what I'm going to make a much better year.

My husband met his new command in July. We are still adjusting to the change of pace- but as you know with military life, once you're adjusted, something changes again. Squadron life for him, and even for me as his spouse is much different... and I like it. It's quiet. With the exception of 2-3 guys in his shop, everyone is single, so I haven't met anyone in his shop. He went in and in introduction put it out there that he is a recovering alcoholic and he said it really seems like everyone respects his decision. Occasionally they ask questions, but it's never pressuring him to drink, drinking around him, asking him to be a designated driver, or telling him they don't think he has a drinking problem. That's the biggest change I've noticed, and he has too. He's happier because the people around him respect his choices.

I haven't reached out to the FRG, and do not plan to at this point. I've received mail from FRG and it said something about consider running for an FRG position (assuming this was a general letter sent out to everyone), but my husband and I laughed and said no. I don't have time even if I wanted to right now between working at my "day job" and running my photography business, I don't sleep as it is.

We've been in Virginia for just over 4 years now. Even though we aren't moving for this new set of orders, and he was just sent him to a different base here, it's a noticeable change from an Aircraft carrier to a Squadron. I think I like it more than he does, but that's only because He works more and harder now than while he was with the Big E during the starting of the decommissioning.

The orders he received are only temporary. He'll be picking again soon for shore duty. We're unsure where it will take him for his job and us as a family. He looked at the options recently and if the options don't change, we'll be heading to Keywest, Cali or Japan. I can already tell you now, Japan won't be chosen by him because we made an agreement before he joined, that as long as Roo is alive, if he has to go overseas, we would geo-bachelor and I would stay here with our Dog-ter. It's complicated moving with a pit bull (banned in housing, some cities, etc), but we took on the responsibility to raise her, and she's not something we will just give away. It's a hard decision, but it was something we decided before he enlisted.

Friday, September 27th, we will be celebrating our 5 year anniversary. It's insane how fast time goes. This 5 years is proof that marriages can work if you work together and work on communication.

Send My Service Member a Care Package- Winner!

****UPDATED WINNER DUE TO NO RESPONSE****

Thank you to everyone who entered the Care Package giveaway. There were nearly 400 entries when the giveaway ended on August 31st. However, when going through the entries, I realized that there were a lot of false entries and after removing all of the entries of which were not legit, there were just under 300. I was sad at first, but now that I think about it, removing those who cheated, gave a greater chance for those who entered correctly to win. There's always a positive in every negative situation. 

My husband and I made a trip out Sunday to buy a few things for the Care Package yesterday. So far, there are a lot  of fun goodies and snacks to send. And, My husband has been begging to play with a few of the fun kid stuff we got and I caught him sneaking a couple of the snacks.. so Looks like I'll have to make another trip out, without him, and I'll be sure to hide the stuff from him this time. Men, they are always big kids. Be a Kid Again Box, Perfect theme right? Thought so.

Any who.. 

We have a NEW winner :D

Kristin ANDREA, I have contacted you about where to send the box as well as give you the option to type a note I can print for your Service member.  :)

My husband and I had fun shopping for care package stuff. SO, we've decided we'll be doing another in the near future. Maybe football? hmm...

Oh the options.

When I complete the box this week, and get it sent, I will blog the box as well as add it to the Care Package list.

Congratulations Kristin ANDREA! I hope your service member enjoys the "Be A Kid Again" box as much as my husband and his division did. 

Heart Strings

Image from http://www.smittenby.net

Lately, the thought of adoption has been tugging at my heart strings a little bit. When I was 16, I always said I didn't want to have kids of my own, I only wanted to adopt. As I grew older, my want to adopt never changed, but the want to become pregnant and carry weighs heavy on my heart.

My husband wants children and wants to try without adopting first. After 5 years of marriage, and 6 miscarriages faced in the time we've been together, I feel like something is telling me maybe adopting is what I'm supposed to do.

With every miscarriage, there has always been someone to say, "Maybe now is not the right time". But there is never a wrong time, in my opinion. To bring a baby into the world when 2 people want it so badly and without a shadow of a doubt, would provide the best life they possibly could for the child, and love the child more than anything in the world... what's wrong with that?

Yes, the past year has been hell trying to help my husband fight his addiction and yes, there's a long road ahead of us. But the addiction is something he will have to battle for the rest of his life, it is a disease you learn to work through. You are never cured. But it does get easier to manage and live with.

I start thinking about how amazing adopting would be. I think of how scary it would be and, unfortunately, how much it would cost us. But any amount of money would be worth it to me to give a child a loving home, and fill the hole in mine and my husband's hearts. I've been doing research and I'm finding some assistance, thankfully.

I found the military will give $2000 in adoption assistance, of course, there are rules to it- ones I would be more than happy to adhere to. I also found out that my job gives up to $5000 in assistance. Knowing this, pushes me more toward it; I feel like it is more of something telling me this is what I'm supposed to do.

Within the past year, I was accepted into the Red Thread Sessions program as a volunteer to photograph newly adopting families. It was always a program I admired, and had so much respect for. It's something I feel strongly about. The more photographs I see from Red Thread Sessions, my heart just fills. I've grown a passion for adopting. Again, something feeding my want to adopt.

Early in July, I found out I was pregnant. With my past history of miscarriages, I was terrified and I made a doctor's appointment for the 1st available date. A few days went by and I went to the doctor, where they did a blood test to confirm pregnancy, and wouldn't know the results until the next day. My worry increased with my results. The nurse who called with my results said, "Your HCG levels are not high enough for us to medically consider you pregnant. It could be extremely early in your pregnancy, but we need to wait a few days and see if you start your cycle.". In other words, "You may be pregnant and everything is ok, just early, or you are losing your baby". July 15th, is the day I started to miscarry and July 16th, my miscarriage was confirmed. I was 5-6 weeks along. I feel anxiety just thinking about it. Each one has affected me differently both emotionally and physically. While I'm hurt and absolutely heart broken, I feel a sense of calmness. The week of my miscarriage, I had dreams. Each dream was happy, and about baby #6. Out of all my miscarriages, never once did I have a sense of the gender of the baby, but for some reason, I new 6 was a girl, and she had her daddy's blue eyes, and my dimples. Whether that would be true or not, It comforts me to think it.

The story doesn't really relate to adoption, but it's one of those things that keeps me divided on my decision. Adopt, or keep trying and possibly face more heart break. I was only a few weeks into my pregnancy, and I already had such a strong sense of connection to my child. I worry with adoption, would I have that same connection? One can hope so, but it is something I completely fight with myself over and I believe my husband does as well. What if we adopt and eventually are able to have a biological child, would the connection or feelings be different? I know it might sound silly, or I might be looked at badly for even asking such questions, but it's a very real worry for me. I know without a shadow of a doubt I'd love the child, and the child would be mine. But I can't help but wonder, would the feelings be slightly different? When talking with people about adopting, of course people with no knowledge of what it's like with an adopted child, they've always commented it wouldn't be the same.

I know I over think things. It's just how I am. But with such a huge decision, I need to know what to expect.

Ever want something so bad, but the what ifs keep you held back? I feel like that's where I'm at right now.

Send a Care Package to My Service Member!

***UPDATE*** If the giveaway reaches 1,000 entries, 2 people will win their service member a care package!

I've been MIA for a while now. There have been lots of changes over the past couple months and I've been so busy I haven't had much time for blogging. Any time I have spent on the computer, was spent editing and answering email regarding my photography business. Sometimes it is nice to step back and take a break from your "normal". You can then remember why you (well for me) loved writing so much, why you started this blog, your goals and the positives. Ah, the positives, my blog has been rather negative lately.

So, to get back to where I need and want to be, I have decided to offer a giveaway.

I've become known, among my friends and many people I don't know, for my crazy-fun care packages. I've been known to drop a pretty penny on making my care packages (ahem, Zombie box...). I have documented some of my favorites and blogged about them, but there are many I never even spoke of, and never snapped a photo of. If I could go back, I'd document them all.

One of my favorites, as well as my husband's division, was a Be a Kid again box. I didn't get one photo from the making of that box.

SO, I have decided to put together a giveaway and the winner's deployed service member will receive a Be a Kid Again box from me! :D

Shhh... don't tell my husband. He will be jealous.

Inside you will find fun little things that remind me of my childhood. No worries, if your service member is a male, He won't receive a barbie ;)
Everything in the box will be small, fun and likely have his or her division/ command/ troop.. whatever, playing with it too. I might include some snacks too ;)

And of course, I'll stick with my usual- Duct tape and Paint Pens to decorate. A Journey of a Navy Wife care package wouldn't  be the same without it.

The Giveaway will end on August 31st at 1159AM Eastern time.


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Never Say Never

The past few months have been challenging and crazy to say the least. So many changes and adjustments have been made and are still being made. I never saw myself going through this.

Crazy enough, I feel like I'd rather deal with another back to back deployment vs. his alcohol addiction. I guess because during deployment I didn't have to deal with it; before this most recent deployment his addiction was tolerable.

I always said I'd never be married or stay with someone who has an addiction; Never say never, right? Looking back, I felt like I was very judgmental because I hadn't the slightest clue what it was like or the emotions involved. I was young, dumb and knew nothing about love or truly helping someone. Now, I'm the one feeling judged.

The judgments no longer bother me so much. My husband, however, feels like everyone he knows judges him. He even feels as if I judge him. Because of this, he bottles everything up, which recently caused a relapse, a moment very scary for me (I'm sure for him too). It is emotionally draining. I just wish he'd see we all support him. I knew at some point it could/ would happen, I just never saw it coming this soon.

He wants to stop. He feels it controls him and he feels alone. I don't understand the nightmare from his point of view, I doubt I ever can nor do I want to fully (assuming I'd have to be where he is to "get it"). Because I don't understand it from his perspective, he isn't able (feels like he can't) talk to me. He's too shy to speak up at meetings, but he said he's getting better about talking one-on-one before and after the meetings.

When he's around people, he has the want to be better and feels like he has something to prove; The urge isn't there. When I'm at work and he's home alone, he wants to drink. He needs his mind distracted at all times. He worries he'll never get better some days. He fights this evil within him that continually says, "Go buy a drink".

I wake up every.single.day worried for relapse. It's not about trust, because I do trust him, but it's a constant battle and will be for the rest of our lives. A never-ending nightmare.

Through all of this, even though many days I feel alone, I'm finding this is very common and unfortunate with so many service members or their family. Sometimes the issue starts before the military (like with my husband) or after they join with all the stress the military life can bring. I feel like alcohol abuse is a huge epidemic in our country and is somehow being made acceptable. It shouldn't be. I don't want to say I'm anti-alcohol.. hell, I'll say it.. I'm anti-alcohol. Alcohol is a drug, it's addictive, very. My Uncle who died when I was 7-8 years old, people in my family and my husband are proof that it is addictive and is a constant battle to fight with once addicted. Thankfully, I have never cared for alcohol and for some reason I feel as if God had this in the books for me all along. I've lost too many important people in my life because of alcohol, I'm here to help heal my husband.

My husband started to drink socially. It would bring him out of his box; he wasn't shy with it. Alcohol would relax him. His problems didn't seem like problems when he'd drink, but little did he realize they only intensified his problems and sometimes made him a very angry and mean drunk. He honestly felt like alcohol was the only thing that understood him at times. He didn't see how a drink could affect his mood for days- sober. Unfortunately, My husband is not alone in this.

I read a letter he wrote to alcohol in Rehab. It put my stomach in knots. I didn't understand the relationship he had with different beers and liquors. It was honestly like they were his best friends. I honestly can't explain how his letter was written or even how it affected me. It was scary. Then, I read the letter he wrote to me in rehab (these for assignments, not intended for me). I cried. The events of Christmas Eve scared him so much. I honestly didn't know exactly how that night made him feel until I read the letter. It was exactly what I've been needing him to say to me, but he isn't able to talk about things yet and may not ever be able to.

Point is, If you're going through this, you're not alone. Don't be afraid to be judged because it feels so much better when you're able to talk about everything. YOU'RE NOT ALONE. Repeat that to yourself every single day. Find someone who understands and talk to them. If you're like me and my husband, find someone you don't know well and talk to them. Trust me, it helps. I've been talking to several readers of this blog through email, Facebook as well as connecting with people on Instagram and Twitter to talk to. Talk about it. Please don't bottle it up.

Worthy as Our Daughters- My Military Mom

The other day I was talking to a good friend. Someone whom she trusted had taken had convinced her to do something against her better judgment. She would have never done it on her own but he knew which buttons to push and leveraged the situation to his advantage.

My friend was angry with him but also, and perhaps more, upset with herself. I couldn't see where she could find fault in herself. He had known so much about her and had been a trusted friend for so long that anyone might have made the same choices in her position.

I've noticed that women are more apt than men to take on more of their fair share of blame.  It’s sometimes why we stay in emotionally, physically or financially abusive relationships far longer than we should. It’s sometimes why we accept less than we deserve at our jobs and in our families. It’s why women account for most of the self-help book purchases.

“When a woman has a problem, she immediately blames herself” said BJ Gallagher, an author and genders studies expert, in a Forbes’ article.

I do this all the time. There’s a continuous nagging voice lecturing me. “well if you’d only done this better“, or if you had just thought to do that“, or the old standby, “it’s all your fault”.

I’m so fed up with this constant self-flagellation, it’s exhausting and emotionally draining to be constantly turning blame back on myself.

I finally asked myself, what would I tell my daughters if one of them were in my shoes? I would never read to them the script that goes through my own head. If they were in the exact same position as I, I would never assign nearly the same amount of blame to them that I do to myself.

If we women could see ourselves as precious and as wonderful as some of the children we love the most (it doesn't have to be your own daughter) we could free up so much anguish and pain.

So, to my cyber friends, I promise I’ll try to give myself a break if you will too. The next time we start our self-blaming script let’s remember that we are as worthy as our daughters.

Cay Smith writes the blog MyMilitaryMom.com
She is one bad mama-jama Army wife who tells it like it is. 
Check her out on:
Facebook  Twitter Pinterest
Let her know you found her through thejourneyofanavywife.com and be sure to keep coming back as MyMilitaryMom.com will be a regular guest blogger!

thredUP April discount

Sara, a Navy wife and mother, emailed me an awesome deal for my followers!

In honor of military children this April, thredUP is offering thejourneyofanavywife.com readers with a special 20% discount!
thredUP is an online kid's consignment shop with stylish "like new" items from popular brands like Gymboree, Tea and OshKosh! Prices start at just $3.99!

So, stretch your dollar and stock up with this awesome deal!

 Get 20% off your next purchase on thredUP by using promo code: APRILKIDS at checkout.

 *Offer is one time use only.  Expires 4/30/13. Cannot be combined with any other offer.  

Personally, I have not used thredUP, but I will be doing a review with/ of them soon!

Enjoy!

Guest Post- MyMilitaryMom.com

We can easily lose our independence being married to the military. Our lives, our jobs, our finances and even where we live are suddenly and almost solely dictated by our spouses’ career. Slowly and subconsciously we begin to refer to each other as the wives or husbands of Sgt. So-and-So or Capt. What’s-His-Face. We date major life changes by what duty station we were at when they happened. Even our primary form of identification refers to us as “dependent.”

We can easily fall into a pattern where the people we shop, eat, exercise, live, and hang out with are almost exclusively associated with the military. It begins to seem as though our entire identities, schedules and lives are dictated by the whims of the Pentagon.

I didn't realize this had happened to me until I found myself crying on the floor of my closet on the phone with my mother blubbering, “I could have been somebody!” My wants and needs had been overtaken by those of the Army for so long that I no longer knew what they were.

I did eventually find out who I was within this self-contained world of the military but it took me years. I first tried to stuff myself into it, then I tried to distance myself from it, nothing worked until I realized that I needed to find what made me happy, what made me want to get out of bed in the morning independent of whatever the Army needed or wanted from my family.

Of course, military spouses aren't the only people prone to losing our independence or sense of self but I think we are probably more at risk than almost any other group. It is important that we acknowledge the potential for disaster and find ways to mitigate the problem as early as possible.

I always encourage newbies coming into the military family to immediately find something that is theirs and has absolutely nothing to do with their spouse’s jobs. Learn a new skill or language at every new duty station, pursue a transferable career (real estate is a popular choice), start an online business, or whatever else appeals to their sensibilities; claim something for themselves. Having our own pursuits helps to keep us sane and is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves and our families.

Cay Smith writes the blog MyMilitaryMom.com
She is one bad mama-jama Army wife who tells it like it is. 
Check her out on:
Facebook  Twitter Pinterest
Let her know you found her through thejourneyofanavywife.com and be sure to keep coming back as MyMilitaryMom.com will be a regular guest blogger!

Finding my Identity

Image credit - Google

Lately, I feel as if the current situation my husband and I are in is identifying myself, my husband and our marriage. There have been tons of struggles over the past few months and now, I'm working on finding my Identity.

Who am I?

You'd think at 26 years old I would be able to answer that easily. But no, I'm wincing as I write this trying to figure it out.

I don't want to be defined by something so negative. "Oh hey, That's the wife of the guy who drank a bottle of Vodka on the ship and drove home and destroyed Christmas."- That's how I feel some people look at me, how some people define me.

I know, I know. I shouldn't care what people think. I have been taught to not worry about what others think of me, but realistically, at some point... I believe we all worry what everyone thinks.

I am smart, but sometimes I don't make great decisions. I am trusting, too trusting at times, but when you break it, it's almost impossible to earn my trust back. I vent through writing and sometimes say things I shouldn't or I post before I really cool off if I'm heated. I wear my heart on my sleeves and I can easily have my feelings hurt. I'm opinionated. When I have a belief, I won't back down. I'm a fighter for the things I love.

... I am a fighter.

I fight for my marriage, I fight for myself. I won't give up.

I. Keep. Going.

That is what I see in myself right now. I will never give up.

Screw what anyone else thinks, even if sometimes it may bother me. I'll keep going, I won't give up and in the end, I'll be better. Maybe then, people will say, "That girl's a fighter".

I received a phone call from my husband. He was told of an assignment he was given and he said he refused to do it. The assignment was stupid and he said no.

The assignment?

He was supposed to call me and say, "I got kicked out of the program". He was then supposed to take my reaction and report back to his group about it.

Thank you SARP, you officially pushed me a step back. You wanted to play a sick and twisted joke with something that ranks high on the list of, "biggest fears"... Yup, up there with killer clowns. Assholes.

Thank God I married a man that wouldn't do that to me. He said he couldn't do that to me, couldn't purposely hurt me or make me cry.

Realistically, that's what would have happened, I would have been hurt, likely a lot of tears and I'd be angry.
Had this of really happened, I would be angry with my husband, severely. I  WE need this program to be successful.

Now, I just feel nauseous.
I want off this roller-coaster.

Forward March

Image Source: google.com via Sally on Pinterest

The response to my last post was amazing. I honestly didn't expect all the comments, messages and emails I received. It goes to show how great of a community the "military family" can be.

To those of you who have wrote to me about being in a similar situation, keep your head up. I completely understand the roller-coaster you're so desperately trying to get off of.

Just know, if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to email me at christina@journeyofanavywife.com. If you are looking for a group to be apart of, see if there is a local Al-Anon group near you. Al-Anon is a group focused on those of us who are affected by someone else's excessive drinking. I also suggest Fleet and Family for those of you whose spouse is Navy or Marine Corps. I have always heard negative reviews about Fleet and Family, but my experience with them is and has been great. It's good to talk about it, and know you're not alone.

This was never part of the "Journey" I saw myself writing about. But you can't change what happened, so you use what you've learned to help someone else and teach yourself to move forward.

Now, we're dealing with the emotions of rehab and what's to come. My husband seems to be doing well with everything. He is definitely ready to be home. Although I am ready for him to  be home, I worry of a relapse. I know it is possible. I know I will need to trust him, but that trust is very broken when it comes to alcohol. It's important to talk to your significant other about this too. Although, he will likely already know your trust issues with his drinking.

Because my husband and I know it's going to be hard to adjust again, and I'm building that trust back with him, we've decided to do counseling together when his in-stay rehab is completed. We know trust and communication is going to be key for both of us and we want to continue to bring each other closer through all of the ups and downs of this process.

For those of you struggling, always remember you can not force them to quit. You can wish for it, hope for it and want it so bad you can't stand it, but the only way it is possible is if they want to quit. Only then will any sort of rehab truly be successful. Sadly, it sometimes takes something happening for them to want it.

Someone who is addicted honestly doesn't believe they are. To them, they don't have a problem and could stop if they wanted to. Truthfully, sometimes they can't stop if they want to because they want it all they time, they crave it. It's an addiction. If someone was to call them an alcoholic, it would upset them. With my husband, he'd get his feelings hurt if his friends would even joke about him being an alcoholic. If I mentioned to my husband about his drinking being a problem, he would get defensive and angry.

First step for them is admitting they have a problem, follow that with seeking help.

Many people don't see how it affects the family (spouse, kids, etc). It's emotionally draining. For me, it was like emotional abuse, as in I was just so emotionally beat down from the constant drinking and with it feeling neglected, alone unloved and worthless. Sometimes the drinking would cause my husband to say hurtful things, and even today some things said repeat in my head like a broken record... even though he has absolutely no memory of saying any of it.
This is why it is important for you to have someone to talk to about YOU and how his alcohol abuse is affecting you. It's hard to forgive and talking to someone could get you there, to fully forgive him and build yourself back up.

Keep going. Don't give up. Take baby steps and March on with your head up.

My Husband Has an Addiction: Answered Prayers

Many have asked where I've been hiding and what's been going on. I've been keeping quiet for a reason because some things are not meant for public judgement. 

After talking with my husband tonight, he told me to talk about what's going on. He has come to grips with the truth and he is WE are growing from our situation, together. Every situation can have a positive.

In December, I wrote this:

Trapped
You don't have to be an alcoholic to be trapped by alcohol. I don't even care to drink, ever, and I am trapped. It consumes my life, it is sucking the life out of me.  

When you love someone whose life is consumed by alcoholism, you stick by their side. You hope for change; you hope for help. And in the time hoping for some relief, you drag yourself to the bottom with them. You don't even realize you've hit rock bottom until you're there. You don't see a way out and you begin to feel the life you're struggling to make it through day by day is the only one you'll ever know. You can look at the situation from the outside and say you'd leave, but would you? You can't judge unless it is your relationship. 

You tell yourself it will get better. You find reasons to hold on to hope. You convenience yourself you need to stay because you feel obligated to help them. You end up blaming yourself, finding reasons as to how or why it is your fault.  

You feel trapped. 

I've allowed myself to be dragged to the bottom because I love someone so deeply who has an alcohol addiction. I hope this is the bottom, I can't see it getting much worse. 

The consequences of his alcohol abuse does and will affect me. My husband is a wonderful man.- Sober. I'm not sure when or how his addiction actually started, I just know it progressively got worse. It was like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde; he was two different people. He would do things, and say things he didn't mean and wouldn't remember them the next morning. He would hide alcohol, and couldn't stop at a limit. 

This all does seem to be a wake up call for him. I hope I'm not being naive in thinking it is. He has asked his command for help, and I truly hope he means it and I hope they give it to him.  

I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. Yet, I still find myself trying to be positive for him. Honestly, after how I was treated when he was drunk this last time, I should have left. I just can't give up on him. I feel that if I give up on him, I'm giving up on me. I said for better or worse, and this is "for worse". I won't give up on him and turn my back on my marriage. I love him too much to walk away.  

Maybe this is God answering my prayers to help him; to help me.

 My husband has had issues with Alcohol for quite some time now, for the majority of our relationship, but it was never uncontrollable or more than I could handle. During our most recent deployment, I knew it was becoming worse. He would spend hundreds on Alcohol during port calls, and sometimes be too drunk to get in touch with me. When he came home, it was like a huge port call to him. Drinking was an every day thing, causing lots of tension between he and I. I would work 8 to 10 hours a day and come home to beer bottles everywhere and my husband passed out from drinking too much. Once, I thought he was dead. I was so frantic when he wouldn't wake up and even felt for a pulse, but because I was shaking so badly, I felt nothing. I smacked him, yelling, "Please wake up!". Thank God he woke up.

We decided to stay in Virginia for Christmas. We said we needed the time together. He found out he was going to have Duty on New Years, so rather than taking Christmas leave, he took New Years leave because he wanted to go to a New Years party. This meant he had Duty on Christmas Eve. He had been drinking excessively up to Christmas Eve. He promised he wouldn't drink for Christmas Weekend. He left for duty and wasn't supposed to be home until Christmas morning.

Christmas Eve night, he drove home. He walked in the door and he couldn't walk straight, couldn't look straight and his uniform was ripped. He reeked of liquor. He was so drunk he was convinced he was sober. I was angry, but I refused to show it because I knew it would spark an argument. Drinking and driving is something I'm severely against, and something that really gets under my skin, especially after I lost my best friend in 2008 just after she turned 18.
He could sense I was upset and decided he needed to go back to the ship; He wasn't supposed to have left the ship (nor drink) in the first place. I told him I would take him back and he started to get upset, so I took his keys. He was in no shape to drive and there was no way I was going to let him. Things got ugly from there and eventually, a friend came and took him back to the ship.

Some time during all the chaos, he lost his military ID. By the time he got back to the ship, he had already forgot everything that had happened. He emailed me to ask if I knew where his ID was, after being escorted on the ship. Honestly, I ignored his email.
A few hours later, extremely early into Christmas morning, he emailed again. He had started to sober up and they were telling him what had happened and how much trouble he was in. He was a mess and apologizing. I didn't respond to that email either.

Early the next morning, his Lieutenant called me. He asked how I was and asked about everything that happened at home. He then asked if I wanted my husband home or if I wished for him to remain on the ship. My husband was now sober, I wanted to talk to him, so I gave them permission to release him.

He came home to the mess he created and absolutely lost it. He didn't remember anything, he was just seeing the aftermath and the strain he put between us. He broke down. For several days he just stayed in bed. He wouldn't eat, he'd just sob. 

He asked, "Why are you still here? You deserve better.". Yeah, I guess a lot of people would leave. But I know who he really is and he was overcome with a disease called alcoholism. So, I told him the truth, "I love you. When we got married, I said for better or worse. This is a worse. I know you, and when you drink, you are not yourself. I believe in you and I'm not giving up on you. I'm not giving up on us.". 

When someone says, "Alcohol brings out the true person someone is" I believe that to be the biggest crock of poo. My husband has many personalities as a drunk and you never know which one you will get. Sober, he has just one and, to me, is one of the greatest men alive. 

My husband did get in trouble with the command. And thankfully, because of his hard work and dedication along with his good conduct record up to that point, his punishment wasn't as severe as we had expected. Honestly, we thought he was going to get kicked out. It was the most terrifying thought. 
He had to go in front of the disciplinary board on February 12. We didn't know what would happen from there, they said they'd let him know within a few days. The next day, he had to go to the XO and before that found out he would be going to Mast. He was honest with the XO and because of that, the XO said that he would speak with the CO about being lenient. 

He wasn't told a Mast date, but Valentine's Day, I came home from work to a dark empty house. Empty as in he wasn't home. Thankfully, I was able to get in touch with a mutual friend from his division and he let me know. His first class was supposed to call me, but to this day.. never heard a word. Thank goodness for the mutual friend to let me know what was going on. 

My husband was given a 15 days restriction as well as $850 was taken from this month's pay (youch!). He spent 15 days on the ship, with no contact with me (with the exception of a few emails). Straight from Restriction, he was sent to rehab, where he is currently until the first week of April. 

Rehab is for 35 days. I get to see him on Sundays for a few hours. We don't get to talk much at all. He is constantly bouncing around from class to class as well as AA. 

Some people have said how strong I am for staying. But I know that some people see me as weak for not leaving. I don't know that either category pertains to me, nor do I care what category I fit into. I do know that the past few months have been hell; stressful, emotional and draining. But I can gladly say there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

It's not about being strong or being weak to me. To me, if something's broke, and fixable... fix it. I prayed and prayed for him, for help for him. God answered my prayers. It definitely wasn't what I had in mind when I prayed for help, but God delivers. 

Forget the hurrying, just wait

The last post I wrote about my husband receiving orders was months ago. Well, here we are, March 4, 2013 and he still has yet to receive orders.

Then, I was in panic mode. His chain of command told him he'd be going to shore duty, and he was to report in April. However, they never told him where he'd be reporting to. April was less than 6 months away when he told me he'd be getting orders and as far as we knew, he'd be going to Fallon, Nevada. I didn't know if I needed to start packing, not knowing if I should start preparing to list our home for rent, and not knowing if I should look for a place to rent in NV. I was clueless. I was doing a whole lot of hurrying and even more waiting.

Now, I give up on the when and where. Next month is April and he hasn't heard anything as to if he's even still going to shore duty or when he'll be transferring to anywhere. At this point, if he receives orders to leave next month.. it looks like I'll be hanging back a little bit to get things done and I'll meet him wherever the Navy takes him.

Through all of this, I have definitely learned there is no point in panicking over the waiting for his orders. There's nothing you can say to change them, and there is no point in getting all revved up in hurrying to get things done. Chances are, he could get orders here again. 

So, continue on as if he never said, "We could be moving in April". Forget the hurrying, just wait. 

I Walk The Line

You have a blog. You created your blog to vent, to share your experiences, to show people the positives, and with the blog you're welcoming people to view your life.

When you publicly blog, sometimes boundaries need to be set. There's a line you walk and parts of your life you don't want to share with the world. Many things stay private and I believe many things should stay private.

From day one, I had set boundaries. There is a line I wouldn't cross, and that line being I would never write a blog that would portray my husband and/or my marriage in a negative way, UNLESS.. the situation turned into something positive that he and I both could learn from. I also set limitations on how personal I would get when talking about my husband, what he does, etc.

I created this blog as an outlet, but also as a way to share my experiences of being married to a man with a career in the military. To show that this lifestyle can be fun and it doesn't have to be negative as everyone portrays it. Today, I feel like I'm walking the line; Bottling up something I feel the need to talk about, which is Navy related but also crosses the line of being one of the many things that should probably remain private.

If you're wondering why my blog has been "quiet" lately, there is a lot going on on the homefront. It's a bad situation that has ultimately turned positive, but it is a battle for my husband and it's not my story to tell. I feel if I was to talk about how what he is going through affects me, I would feel a weight lifted off my shoulders, and potentially have advice for someone else. However, it is too personal when it comes to my husband and his job.

For now, I feel I have nothing to blog about... I take that back, nothing I can blog about.

Hanging Basket Storage- Not Just for the Bathroom!

I have a million projects going on right now. For once, I'm actually blogging about one! AND I somewhat documented it with my handy-dandy iPhone. I've seen a million photos on Pinterest of hanging baskets on the wall, mostly used in a bathroom. Well, most of those photo links lead to dead links and no explanation, etc. Nothing gets under my skin more than a Pinterest link that leads nowhere. Well, one thing irritates me more, not having an outlet in my bathroom.

I live in an older home built in the early 50's. Sad story, many of these homes weren't built to have outlets in the bathrooms. Honestly, that's one of my biggest pet peeves about this house. The next house we purchase WILL have outlets, lots of outlets in every room- NOT connected to light switches (back on track now..). Because I have no outlet in my downstairs bathroom, and I refuse to use one of those screw-in light fixture adapters to have an outlet in my light socket. Because I refuse to make my light socket about my mirror look ridiculous with the adapter, I'm forced to do my hair in my bedroom, a small bedroom with no room for a vanity.

This is how my hair necessities are were stored:

To me, this is a cluttered mess in the corner of my room. I hate having things in the floor like this.

I have a small space of wall behind the closet door and the the connecting wall. What I thought would be perfect to hang a couple small baskets. My challenge was to find small baskets that were my definition of cheap and that were cute. Baskets are expensive! And I love love LOVE baskets. But I will typically thrift for them. 

For some reason today, I got an itching to just get out of the house. I decided to go hunting for baskets. I went to the Navy Exchange, they just didn't have anything that stood out for me. Everything was too big or not aesthetically appealing in my eyes. So, I went to Wal Mart. I loathe Wal Mart, but yet I'm always there. Today was no different, it was a fail. I walked out empty handed. I decided to try target, but went in with the mindset of anything I would find to fit what I saw as "perfect" in size and style would be "expensive". 

I stepped into the aisle with baskets and I saw them. They were cute, perfect size and even had a pretty liner in them. I expected them to be about $10 each and almost didn't even pick them up. But to my surprise, they were only about $5 each. The baskets cost more than I would typically spend, only because I'm thrifty, but $5 per basket still was "Cheap" considering how perfect I thought they were. 

Then I realized I needed some sort of hook. I don't trust the hooks that have the tape on the back. I've never had any luck with them. I need some sort of small hook that would be nailed into the wall. I found hooks which were too large and I was getting a little bummed thinking my project was not going to get finished today. I happened to walk by frame hanging hooks. After studying the different sizes and style, I grabbed a simple Heavy-duty frame hook pack. It was a 4 pack, exactly what I needed for only about $2. 

For about $12, I walked out with everything I needed for my project! Score!

Are these baskets not cute? And those who know me, or follow me on Instagram, know they are so.. "ME". When I got home, I grabbed the leveler, a pencil and a hammer and I dove straight in for my project.

First, I marked the wall for the first basket's hooks, one for each end. Then, I nailed the hook to the wall. The nails were somewhat of a pain in the rear to hammer in on my textured walls because they go in at an angle. But, I figured it out and somehow kept the two hooks level! Go me! After I got the first set of hooks up, I stretched part of the weave on the basket to easily, but tightly, fit over the hook. I check to make sure my basket was level, jumped up and down out of excitement and started on the second basket. 

After I admired my work, I filed the baskets with all my "junk". Guess what! They are still level, so I think I did a good job! Woot!

Now, I feel like my bedroom is fully organized and I don't have that little clutter spot bugging me!

I hope you find this as Pinteresting as I did! Do you see what I did there? ;) 

always a nerd.

Follow me on Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/mrscrush/