Worthy as Our Daughters- My Military Mom

The other day I was talking to a good friend. Someone whom she trusted had taken had convinced her to do something against her better judgment. She would have never done it on her own but he knew which buttons to push and leveraged the situation to his advantage.

My friend was angry with him but also, and perhaps more, upset with herself. I couldn't see where she could find fault in herself. He had known so much about her and had been a trusted friend for so long that anyone might have made the same choices in her position.

I've noticed that women are more apt than men to take on more of their fair share of blame.  It’s sometimes why we stay in emotionally, physically or financially abusive relationships far longer than we should. It’s sometimes why we accept less than we deserve at our jobs and in our families. It’s why women account for most of the self-help book purchases.

“When a woman has a problem, she immediately blames herself” said BJ Gallagher, an author and genders studies expert, in a Forbes’ article.

I do this all the time. There’s a continuous nagging voice lecturing me. “well if you’d only done this better“, or if you had just thought to do that“, or the old standby, “it’s all your fault”.

I’m so fed up with this constant self-flagellation, it’s exhausting and emotionally draining to be constantly turning blame back on myself.

I finally asked myself, what would I tell my daughters if one of them were in my shoes? I would never read to them the script that goes through my own head. If they were in the exact same position as I, I would never assign nearly the same amount of blame to them that I do to myself.

If we women could see ourselves as precious and as wonderful as some of the children we love the most (it doesn't have to be your own daughter) we could free up so much anguish and pain.

So, to my cyber friends, I promise I’ll try to give myself a break if you will too. The next time we start our self-blaming script let’s remember that we are as worthy as our daughters.

Cay Smith writes the blog MyMilitaryMom.com
She is one bad mama-jama Army wife who tells it like it is. 
Check her out on:
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Let her know you found her through thejourneyofanavywife.com and be sure to keep coming back as MyMilitaryMom.com will be a regular guest blogger!

Guest Post- MyMilitaryMom.com

We can easily lose our independence being married to the military. Our lives, our jobs, our finances and even where we live are suddenly and almost solely dictated by our spouses’ career. Slowly and subconsciously we begin to refer to each other as the wives or husbands of Sgt. So-and-So or Capt. What’s-His-Face. We date major life changes by what duty station we were at when they happened. Even our primary form of identification refers to us as “dependent.”

We can easily fall into a pattern where the people we shop, eat, exercise, live, and hang out with are almost exclusively associated with the military. It begins to seem as though our entire identities, schedules and lives are dictated by the whims of the Pentagon.

I didn't realize this had happened to me until I found myself crying on the floor of my closet on the phone with my mother blubbering, “I could have been somebody!” My wants and needs had been overtaken by those of the Army for so long that I no longer knew what they were.

I did eventually find out who I was within this self-contained world of the military but it took me years. I first tried to stuff myself into it, then I tried to distance myself from it, nothing worked until I realized that I needed to find what made me happy, what made me want to get out of bed in the morning independent of whatever the Army needed or wanted from my family.

Of course, military spouses aren't the only people prone to losing our independence or sense of self but I think we are probably more at risk than almost any other group. It is important that we acknowledge the potential for disaster and find ways to mitigate the problem as early as possible.

I always encourage newbies coming into the military family to immediately find something that is theirs and has absolutely nothing to do with their spouse’s jobs. Learn a new skill or language at every new duty station, pursue a transferable career (real estate is a popular choice), start an online business, or whatever else appeals to their sensibilities; claim something for themselves. Having our own pursuits helps to keep us sane and is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves and our families.

Cay Smith writes the blog MyMilitaryMom.com
She is one bad mama-jama Army wife who tells it like it is. 
Check her out on:
Facebook  Twitter Pinterest
Let her know you found her through thejourneyofanavywife.com and be sure to keep coming back as MyMilitaryMom.com will be a regular guest blogger!

Guest Post-Military Veterans Can Take Advantage of Their Benefits with a Veteran Home Loan

I was recently contacted by Jessica for a guest post on VA Loans. As most of you know, my husband I recently purchased a home. We used a Veteran home Loan, also known as a VA Loan. If it weren't for the VA Loan, we wouldn't have considered buying any time soon. If you or your spouse has served, and you are considering buying a home, Consider the VA Loan! 

Military Veterans Can Take Advantage of Their Benefits with a Veteran Home Loan

Right now is a fantastic time to buy a new home.  Prices are low, lending rates are even lower, and many people have had their homes up for sale for a long time with no interest, and they are willing to make a deal.  Needless to say, it’s a buyer’s market.  In addition to prime market conditions, there is even better news for veterans of the US Armed Forces; if you are an honorably discharged member of any branch of the Armed Forces, you may qualify for a US Veteran Home Loan.  The benefits of these home loans are quite expansive and could help you and your family pay for the home of your dreams.

Because of their service and sacrifice for our country, honorably discharged members of the Armed Forces are entitled to certain benefits as part of their compensation package.  One of the greatest benefits that they can receive is the home loan benefit.  The government has provided guaranteed home loans for members of the armed forces that carry certain incentives that you can’t get if you aren’t a member of the military.

A VA Loan is a special loan that is guaranteed and insured by the government and can be issued by a specially licensed lender.  There is no required down payment for a VA loan.  Although there is a funding fee of up to 3.15% of the total loan amount borrowed, this amount can be financed and paid off over the life of the loan.  In addition, up to 103.15% financing is available, meaning that qualified buyers are able to borrow more than the amount needed to purchase the house.  This extra money can be used to make home improvements or changes to the home.  An additional $6,000 can also be borrowed as long as it is used for energy efficiency improvements.  Veterans who already own a home are able to get 20% funding for a second mortgage.

The VA allows veterans to qualify for and receive loans that are larger than they would normally be able to receive if they financed with a traditional lender.  The maximum loan amount available depends on the location of the home being purchased, and the amount varies by county.  The maximum amount available with no down payment is $417,000, although in certain “high cost” areas funding up to $1,094,625 is available.  Finally, if there are any closing costs associated with the home sale, the VA requires that the seller pay these, providing that the total cost does not exceed 6% of the total home purchase price.  This will save the homebuyer even more money.  VA home loans also generally carry significantly lower interest rates than traditional mortgages, sometimes up to 1.5% lower, saving the buyer thousands of dollars over the life of their loan.

The benefits of a VA home loan are expansive.  It is in the best interest of all qualified veterans to look into buying a house with their VA benefits.  The combination of prime market conditions, low rates and huge money saving benefits all mean that there is money to be saved on the purchase of a home.  If you are a US Armed Forces veteran, look into a VA home loan.

Guest post by Jessica Gingham at MilitaryVALoan.com

I Miss You More & and Raffle!

Today I guest blogged over at  Confessions of a Sailors Wife! It's one of those posts where I was doing something thinking.. Lots and lots of thinking.

I titled the Post "I Miss You More". It's a phase my husband and I often say to each other. But what does that entail? WHAT does Missing someone MORE mean?

Amber from Goodnight Moon raved: "Great guest post!!!!! Maybe even one of my favorites you've ever written!"

So, You know it's worth checking out! ;)

Be sure to check out the post and show some love!

I Miss You More

Click the link above to go straight to the blog post.

:)

THEN, Go help out 8 year old Logan!

Logan was diagnosed with Cancer just WEEKS after his dad returned from deployment. His family needs all the help and support you all can give!

Even IF you don't read my guest post, PLEASE help out Logan!

Click HERE to read about Logan and to HELP! :) 

JUST $5 get you entered into a raffle to win great things AND to help Logan!

There is a donate button in the top Right of Goodnight Moon's page- in her sidebar.

PLEASE help!!

Valentine's Day blog swap

 Today I'm excited to have Annoyed Army Wife guest post for me today! Check out her blog!
I sit here trying to find the words to say about her and her blog and for once, I am speechless. Reading and thumbing through her blog- everything is relatable, and some of the things I read I think "Someone understands!". I haven't found many others that refer to their pets as "Furbabies" and I got a big smile knowing she does to! Then infertility, I now know someone else who understands! Oh, and it seems she and I have both been having internet/ computer issues this week.. what are the chances! Anyway- Her blog is a MUST READ!

So, Why the guest blog post (aside from the fact that she's awesome)? Because Riding the Roller Coaster set up this great idea to hijack a post on another Military S.O.'s blogidy blog today! Yep- I can be found elsewhere today for my "Valentine's Post"! Look for a link soon!

***Edit: You can check out my post over at And You Never Did Think!

Meanwhile- Check out Wife on the Roller Coaster's blog! (Clicky the button below) and Look for my post and All the other hijacked blogs for Valentine's day! It's worth it!

button so awesomely put together by Mrs. Muffins!

Now, to your Feature presentation!

This is the last of The Quest for a Kiss series of posts I’ve been doing.  If you’d like to catch up (but you don’t have to) you can read the last posts at annoyed-army-wife.com.  Thanks to Christina for hosting me today!  Happy Valentine’s Day or un-Valentine’s Day!
A little background if you’re new to the series.  It recounts the tale of my first few dates with my now-husband seven years ago.  We had gone on 4 wonderful dates, however we had not had our first kiss yet (and it was killing me).  This post will tell the tale of my scheming and planning to get that illusive kiss.  I hope you enjoy it.
February 2004

After four amazing dates and too many phone conversations to count, I was ready to figure out if this relationship was going to work, and, almost as important, if OccDoc liked my cooking. I loved (and still do) to cook. I decided on the menu for that evening: Honey-Mustard Glazed Salmon, Wild Rice Pilaf (with wild rice straight from Canada), Fancy Green Beans, and Apple Brown Betty. If that meal didn’t win him over I didn’t know what would.

The meal was planned. I looked around my kitchen, if we were going to have a nice meal, I would need some dinnerware. I had only been in the apartment for 2 months and all my worldly possession fit into 3 SUVs – I didn’t bring much.  The previous week I welcomed my new queen-sized bed into my tiny bedroom and said goodbye to the Army cot I bought at the surplus store. I slept on that cot for almost 2 months, and let me tell you it was really uncomfortable. I also went to Ikea and bought a dining room table and some chairs as well as an entertainment center. The main issue left to tackle was my lack of dishes (and funds). I was eating off of camping dishes I borrowed from my parents, but there was no way I was going to serve a delicious meal for this new guy (with potential) on them. I headed over to the Pier One outlet store and picked up some nice plates and dishes, as well as some silverware and glasses.  Everything was bought; now I needed to clean my apartment to make it spotless for OccDoc.  It was February 13th, the day before OccDoc would be there for dinner. I went to sleep well after 2 AM with my hands still smelling like lemon Pledge.

I felt kind of awkward inviting OccDoc over for Valentine’s Day when we hadn’t even kissed before (but it was our fifth date for crying out loud!). I was worried he would feel pressured. When I invited him over I made it clear that I was only inviting him over on Valentine’s Day because it happened to fall on a Saturday that year and that I thought Valentine’s Day was stupid and over commercialized. The only problem with that is OccDoc still thinks I believe that (I really don’t think that, OccDoc, you can bring me flowers, candy, and a romantic card – that’s fine – or jewelry, I guess I’ll accept jewelry, too.).

February 14, 2004

The sound of my buzzer washed over the apartment, and my throat started to constrict, my heart rate increased, and my breathing got shallow and raspy. It was the first time I cooked a decent meal in that oven and it took way longer than anticipated. I would have probably had better luck using a box of matches to cook the salmon; it would have been quicker. I slammed the door to the bunnies’ room closed (I didn’t want to expose that much crazy just yet) and opened the front door to reveal a blond-haired, blue-eyed man sharply dressed in a pale yellow button down, brown belt, jeans and brown shoes to match his belt each hand holding a bottle of wine (oh, yeah, we’re winos). I invited him in and looked for a wine bottle opener. I put two brand new wine glasses on the counter and poured us each a healthy (read: large) glass of wine. We toasted to a delicious un-Valentine’s Day dinner. OccDoc also brought over a movie for us to watch after dinner. He won’t tell me what he was bringing when I talked to him earlier, but he finally revealed the DVD while we drank our first glass of wine. The movie was so telling about who he was and endearing to me; he brought over Monsters, Inc. Since I didn’t have a couch I set up the TV in my bedroom (I’m no dummy, I figured I’d get him in there one way or another). We decided to save the movie until after dinner.

After about an hour of wine and talking, the salmon was finally ready. We sat down to eat dinner, and OccDoc raved about the meal the whole time. I thought he was overdoing it a bit, saying ‘Mmmmm’ after every bite, but he still does that to this day when he’s eating my cooking. I’m beginning to think he actually likes what I make. After dinner we washed the dishes and I tried to turn up the heat a notch. I tried everything I could think of to be sexy and entice him to kiss me. I didn’t wear lipstick, since I thought that might intimidate him, but I put on some lip-gloss to boost the sex appeal of my lips. I leaned against the wall and doorways when talking with him – real sexy-like, not slouchy. I made sure just enough cleavage was peaking out, but not too much. I touched his arms, shoulders, and chest when we talked. I laughed at all his jokes, even the lame ones. All evening I was trying to drop hints and give him signs that I wanted him to kiss me, and still by the end of the night my lips remained untouched.

It was getting past 11 that evening, OccDoc and I were still at the table talking having the last of the wine (2 bottles, people). We were laughing and having a great time. OccDoc said it was getting late and he should take off (now that I’m writing this I realize that I drank most of the wine and OccDoc had maybe 3 glasses, but still he should not have been on the road). He was such a gentleman being considerate of not staying too late. I, on the other hand, was like ‘What?! It’s only 11, it’s barely dark outside.’ But I respected him.
My vintage apartment was lacking in closet space and was set up really weird. The coat closet was all the way in the kitchen tucked in a corner, which was the farthest possible corner from the front door. OccDoc got up to grab his coat to leave; I followed him into the kitchen. We talked for a few more minutes with OccDoc holding his coat in his hands in the middle of the kitchen. I was starting to panic. Did this guy think he was going to get out of here without kissing me? Did I cook this awesome meal for NOTHING? How did I let him get between the door and me? How was I supposed to block his exit if he had the upper hand? I needed a plan, and quick!

OccDoc turned to leave. He took a step away from me towards the door. I had to act right then and there if I wanted any chance of a kiss. I reached out and grabbed his belt. I pulled him back to me and spun him around. Before he had an opportunity to react, my lips pressed against his. We locked lips and OccDoc’s coat dropped to the floor as his hands found my waist. He kissed me like I’d never been kissed before. I pushed him back towards the wall of my bedroom and leaned against him. It was hot. One of the hottest moments we’ve ever shared. Just thinking back to that moment gives me chills and a rush.

Fast-forward to a few hours later in my bed lying in each other’s arms. We barely made it past 2nd base; OccDoc was a true gentleman and stopped all my advances (Ugh). My head was nestled on OccDoc’s chest, I rose up as he took a deep breath and broke the silence by saying, “I have a couple of things I need to tell you.” My mind raced; I had no idea what to expect. He took a deep breath and moved me so he could look me in the eye. His sweaty hands were just one of the many nervous signals he was giving off. His nervousness made me nervous, but I promised myself no matter what he said I’d play it cool and not blow this. “I’m not getting my M.D.” I knew OccDoc was in medical school, so that statement threw me. I thought he was going to tell me he was going to be a nurse or paramedic, but then he said, “I’m getting my D.O., doctor of osteopathic medicine.” He explained what a D.O. was and that he receives the same training as an M.D., with some additional muscoskeletal education. I let out a sign of relief. Blah, blah, blah, who cares?  What was the big deal? As far as I was concerned it sounded like name of the degree was just a matter of semantics, he was still going to be a doctor. I didn’t know why he was so nervous to tell me. “Okay, no biggie,” I said as I ran my fingers through his hair. I expect him to relax and collapse back into my arms, but he remained fixed in position.

“There’s something else,” OccDoc said. His tone got even more serious and grave. His eyes looked down and couldn’t meet mine anymore. The poor guy was suffering and clearly terrified to tell me something; I knew it was something big. Like, I thought he was married or just got someone pregnant.  I kissed him once more to reassure him that I could handle whatever he was about to tell me. “I’m on an Army scholarship for medical school.” Oh. What. The. Crap. I had 2 rules for dating: 1. No doctors and 2. No military guys. I just freaking broke both of my rules! I was all in with this guy, I really, really liked him; there was no turning back now, not without a lot of regrets and heartache. I was going to give this guy a shot, even if he was in the Army. The reason for my dating rules was that my career was way too important to me (I just got my masters degree) and I didn't want to have to keep moving around.  Ha.  Ha ha ha!

That night lying in my bed I didn’t realize the full impact of OccDoc’s second statement. It would take a couple of years before we were waist deep in camo for me to understand the gravity of that statement. OccDoc swears he told me he was in the Army before our fifth date, but I either didn’t hear it or he’s wrong. I would remember that little factoid if I heard it, an elephant never forgets. That was the day I knew my life would change, I just wasn’t sure how much or when the changes would start. Oh, foolish, foolish me...

Dear USAF, I'm Thankful

Today I am hosting Lauren from Faith & Deployments.
I was so happy that Lauren wanted to guest blog for me! I like the way she blogs so freely, but still yet.. I see that she is a positive person in her posts. She makes the best out of tough situations. Her blogs are always a pleasure reading, although, I admit.. I am horrible at commenting.





When I asked Faith & Deployments what she was Thankful for- military style, I received this wonderful post.

"Dear USAF, I'm Thankful"

I honestly never thought those words would ever come out of my mouth. But Journey of a Navy Wife posted the call for Bloggers to blog about what they were grateful, with the military!

I am grateful that my husband has a guaranteed job. Having applied for a decent paying job for over a year and a half, I don't know what we would have done without his job. I am grateful that when I go to the UCC on base or pick up my prescriptions I don't have to pay anything. Health care is so expensive and I spent the last 3 years of my life barely going to the doctor since I had to pay out of pocket. Now I don't have to worry if we are sick. I am thankful for the extra pay which somehow makes deployments almost worth it. It's not much, but this time the USAF paid us more than $3 a day in per diem....for the first time ever! Because of that we are able to buy this Shrunk and have extra money to throw in the bank. I am very grateful for this trip money.

I am grateful for the friends I have made. These ladies are true gems, diamonds in the rough and some of the strongest most amazing ladies I have ever met. I consider them more like family than my own family most times because they treat me and others like family without judgement, harsh words, and are there no matter what. They don't push their own ideals and lifestyles on others, they listen when you need it most, and they offer advice without being mean or condescending. I think the military helped shape these ladies and make them the most invaluable friends I could ask for. 

I am grateful for a safe place to go where I don't have to worry if it's 11PM and I am in a dark parking lot. Base feels so safe to me most days, safer than my own home.

There are a lot of things I am grateful for with the military, but the thing I am most thankful for is my Husband. Because if it wasn't for the USAF he never would have been stationed in VA and I never would have met him. He's worth more than anything in the world. And while it sucks that the AF rips him out of our home at least once a year, having him in my life is worth more than not having him home. He's the peanut butter to my jelly, my cheese to my macaroni. Let's face it, he's the sexiest man in ABUs (yes I am being biased). So the first decision the USAF made for us was to send my Airman to me.

Thank you USAF, sometimes, you aren't as bad as you seem!