Heart Strings

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Lately, the thought of adoption has been tugging at my heart strings a little bit. When I was 16, I always said I didn't want to have kids of my own, I only wanted to adopt. As I grew older, my want to adopt never changed, but the want to become pregnant and carry weighs heavy on my heart.

My husband wants children and wants to try without adopting first. After 5 years of marriage, and 6 miscarriages faced in the time we've been together, I feel like something is telling me maybe adopting is what I'm supposed to do.

With every miscarriage, there has always been someone to say, "Maybe now is not the right time". But there is never a wrong time, in my opinion. To bring a baby into the world when 2 people want it so badly and without a shadow of a doubt, would provide the best life they possibly could for the child, and love the child more than anything in the world... what's wrong with that?

Yes, the past year has been hell trying to help my husband fight his addiction and yes, there's a long road ahead of us. But the addiction is something he will have to battle for the rest of his life, it is a disease you learn to work through. You are never cured. But it does get easier to manage and live with.

I start thinking about how amazing adopting would be. I think of how scary it would be and, unfortunately, how much it would cost us. But any amount of money would be worth it to me to give a child a loving home, and fill the hole in mine and my husband's hearts. I've been doing research and I'm finding some assistance, thankfully.

I found the military will give $2000 in adoption assistance, of course, there are rules to it- ones I would be more than happy to adhere to. I also found out that my job gives up to $5000 in assistance. Knowing this, pushes me more toward it; I feel like it is more of something telling me this is what I'm supposed to do.

Within the past year, I was accepted into the Red Thread Sessions program as a volunteer to photograph newly adopting families. It was always a program I admired, and had so much respect for. It's something I feel strongly about. The more photographs I see from Red Thread Sessions, my heart just fills. I've grown a passion for adopting. Again, something feeding my want to adopt.

Early in July, I found out I was pregnant. With my past history of miscarriages, I was terrified and I made a doctor's appointment for the 1st available date. A few days went by and I went to the doctor, where they did a blood test to confirm pregnancy, and wouldn't know the results until the next day. My worry increased with my results. The nurse who called with my results said, "Your HCG levels are not high enough for us to medically consider you pregnant. It could be extremely early in your pregnancy, but we need to wait a few days and see if you start your cycle.". In other words, "You may be pregnant and everything is ok, just early, or you are losing your baby". July 15th, is the day I started to miscarry and July 16th, my miscarriage was confirmed. I was 5-6 weeks along. I feel anxiety just thinking about it. Each one has affected me differently both emotionally and physically. While I'm hurt and absolutely heart broken, I feel a sense of calmness. The week of my miscarriage, I had dreams. Each dream was happy, and about baby #6. Out of all my miscarriages, never once did I have a sense of the gender of the baby, but for some reason, I new 6 was a girl, and she had her daddy's blue eyes, and my dimples. Whether that would be true or not, It comforts me to think it.

The story doesn't really relate to adoption, but it's one of those things that keeps me divided on my decision. Adopt, or keep trying and possibly face more heart break. I was only a few weeks into my pregnancy, and I already had such a strong sense of connection to my child. I worry with adoption, would I have that same connection? One can hope so, but it is something I completely fight with myself over and I believe my husband does as well. What if we adopt and eventually are able to have a biological child, would the connection or feelings be different? I know it might sound silly, or I might be looked at badly for even asking such questions, but it's a very real worry for me. I know without a shadow of a doubt I'd love the child, and the child would be mine. But I can't help but wonder, would the feelings be slightly different? When talking with people about adopting, of course people with no knowledge of what it's like with an adopted child, they've always commented it wouldn't be the same.

I know I over think things. It's just how I am. But with such a huge decision, I need to know what to expect.

Ever want something so bad, but the what ifs keep you held back? I feel like that's where I'm at right now.