Saturday, July 2, 2011

End of Deployment: Unaccomplished

It has been almost six months since my husband left.
It honestly feels like he just left, but at the same time- it feels like he has been gone for so long.
I think, "Where has the past several months gone?".

Now, I sit here and I'm trying to figure out what I have accomplished the past six months. I had so much planned to do- but as I sit here.. I can't think of anything I had planned to do that I accomplished.

Honestly, I can't even remember most of the goals I set for this deployment!

I wanted to get in shape, but I couldn't commit to a workout routine fully. Although, I'm proud to say I'm 2lbs from the weight I graduated high school at.. however, I do not have my high school graduate body. Then= toned, now... we'll just say not toned.

I wanted to make a quilt while he was gone.. But I never found the time to work on it. But what did I do with all my free time? I feel like I'm always busy! I'm always doing something. But have I been as productive as I have felt this entire deployment? I don't really know in all honesty.

I know that most of my time has been focusing on buying a house and getting it ready for him- having it all ready and done by the time he comes home. Ran into issues with closing and now we have to wait until he comes home to close. I'm able to go ahead and move in the place.. but for some reason, it's just not the same. I wanted to have it done. I didn't want him to have to do anything. I think more than anything it was to prove to myself that I did it.. and could do it. But now.. The months of work that I've done for us to be able to buy a house.. all the paperwork, all the emails, house hunting.. I almost feel like I failed and in all actuality... I've really accomplished a lot with this house stuff. And I really shouldn't feel like I failed because he's going to come home- sign one piece of paper and it be done with. I know he doesn't and won't see me as a failure.

I focused a lot on my photography as well as my tshirt business. I know they are both something to be proud of as well. Not to forget the modeling jobs I have done since he's been gone. I had started to feel that I was no longer good at it, I had given up- but the past 6 months have proven that It's not over for me yet.. Too many job opportunities telling me I have all the potential in the world right now.

I'm proud of myself.. but in a way, for some reason.. I don't feel like I accomplished near as much as I should have. He's busting his rear every day.. and I feel like I've just been having a grand ole time.. and Although I've had lots of fun this deployment, I would have had more fun with him here.

I feel like I let my heart condition slow me down some.. This deployment hasn't been stressful for me nor has it even been hard.. but now, he's homeward bound and I'm finding myself a bit stressed.

This is where I have to remind myself- this is where I've put so much on my plate to accomplish for his homecoming. I've put too much pressure on myself for it to be a perfect homecoming. This is where I need to listen to my husband and repeat his words to myself, "Baby, no matter how much plans get changed, our little homecoming will be perfect. I promise." Really and truly- he's right. I don't have to be super wife for homecoming to be amazing.

Before deployment= there's some stress.
During deployment= You get to relax and de-stress. You get use to being alone.
The final countdown= You stress because a. You worry about fighting when readjusting to being together again, b. you beat yourself up because you've made your to-do list way too long and things happen that take away from the time you should have .. etc.

I had so many ideas for homecoming.. and well, Plans change or just totally flip flop!
  • Homecoming pull in duty
  • Now he's coming home to make room for the tiger cruise
  • can't close on house
  • holiday weekend, movers are booked, closed or charge ungodly rates for the holiday
  • Time sneaks up on you
  • doctor puts you on a heart monitor for 2 weeks (still wearing it now!) 
  • your chest is having a reaction to the pads.. and looks as if you have chemical burns on your chest
  • you worry about how you're going to look on homecoming day due to the small blisters and irritation (eww)
  • You buy 3 dresses, 1 doesn't fit right and the other.. well, It just it's a good dress for you aka you look horrible in it. Praying 3rd is a charm- should arrive in the mail soon.
  • Still have to get moved, unpacked and house decorated- that's the main goal
  • decorate for a surprise late birthday
  • make treats and snacks to be ready when he comes home.
I can keep going and going and going.

Now, I look at my countdown.. sigh.
I want him home. I do.. But honestly, I think I might beat myself up if I'm unable to accomplish everything on my list.. if I have to show up at homecoming looking like I have a flesh eating disease on my chest. Wondering if I'm going to have to wear this monitor longer.. possibly having it on for homecoming even... And then, I'd have to show up to the airport looking like I have a bomb strapped to me.

Yes, looking like I have a bomb strapped to me walking into an airport to pick up a man in uniform may be a bit funny-- but only if you're not the one with the thing strapped to you. :p

And now, I have wrote a novel.. and I'm not even sure what it's about at this point! Being a failure? Time crunched?

He's homeward bound.. and now, I can officially say, I. AM. STRESSED.

1 comment:

  1. I loved reading your post and was agreeing with the trials and fears.You sound like you have done amazing things this deployment.
    I wish you the best. Enjoy your time with your sailor and remember focus on the moment you see him. Because the moment you see him is the best part.