Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Missing Someone is Missing Someone

It's early and my mind is thinking. Ut oh. I don't know that this is considered a rant, but just going to put my thoughts out there.

Something I see so very often is Military Significant other's constantly nagging on people for missing their SO when they are gone a week, or a less time then the SO with the longer period spent apart. Not so much that they miss them, but because they say they miss them or because "they understand".

Everyone deals with being away from their significant other differently. My husband is gone for a week.. or NOT even a week, do I miss him? You bet your arse I do. Do I miss him any differently when he's gone for 3+ months? No, I do not. Missing someone is missing someone.

When someone tells you "They understand" they understand what MISSING SOMEONE is like. Who are you to say that they don't understand  or that they can't miss their SO just because their SO hasn't been gone as long as yours? You're no better, or more entitled to the emotions of being apart than they are.

Yes, I do think it's easy to think "a week, Wow.. I wish I could miss my husband for just a week.". But you want to know what I think? You're still reading this, so I guess you do. You're jealous. I think that person being the 'One upper'... "I have it harder, it upsets me that you miss your husband when he hasn't been gone as long as mine" is just wanting to be that person that has it harder than someone else. Have I thought that when someone has said they miss their husband while he's at work? I sure have. Guess what. I was Jealous of them. BUT I have missed my husband while he was at work. Situations happen, things come up that you want that person you are closest to you to comfort you.. you're missing them.

YES, the challenges that may come with deployment may be harder to deal with. But also, what's hard for one to deal with.. may just be easy for someone else. And vice versa.

Everyone handles situations differently.
"When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, & to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through."
-Nicholas Sparks: Dear John


  1. Oh goodness: I hate the one upper. It doesn't matter and I could not agree with you more! I find the military community to be more of a downer with things like this! SOs are ALWAYS trying to one up each other- because they miss them more because they're gone longer, or their job is more dangerous, or they have children so their entitled to miss them more. It seriously irks me. Furthermore, this mentality that girlfriends can't miss their boyfriends- I see that all over the place!

    We were all "just girlfriends" once. I understand there are differences, but no matter what the relationship, you're entitled to miss someone!

  2. Sorry, I disagree. There's a vast difference between 12 months and a week-about 51 weeks difference, actually. I'm generally not one to "Just you wait!" people, but I had no concept of what it would be like to be away from my husband for 7 months until it happened. More than that, I had no concept of what it was like to truly not know when the next phone call was coming or if my husband's base had been fired on by terrorists. I know what that's like now, but I still would never claim to know what it feels like to have my husband deployed for 15 months in an extremely hostile part of the Middle East(the whole area is dangerous, but my husband wasn't in one of the worst parts). I don't agree on trying to play "Who has it worst?" but I also don't agree that time away is the same no matter the length of time or location of your loved one-it just isn't! Some service members and their families DO have it worse. It doesn't make my husband's job any less important, but I think THAT'S where a lot of the jealousy really comes into play-certain service members seem to get more credit for their more dangerous jobs/longer deployments, and those whose husbands are lucky enough to be in less danger and have shorter deployments say "But what about US?! We have it just as hard!" I would never try to say I had it worse than someone whose husband was gone for only three months, but I also wouldn't go complaining to someone about a 7 month deployment if her husband was a sniper on a 15 month deployment and was missing more than a year's worth of holidays, birthdays, and milestones.

  3. Pamela, Deployments are different, but Just because your husband is one deployment doesn't mean you miss him any different or more than someone who's husband is say, just away from training.
    What exactly are you disagreeing with? Missing someone is still the same, deployment or not. The challenges of deployment, are completely different. I never said anything about someone "Understanding" about deployment that hasn't went through them. I said someone understanding about "Missing Someone".

    Sailor Bride, Girlfriends are just as much as entitled to miss their boyfriends, you are exactly right. There are differences in the challenges and the situations you may be faced with, but missing them is all the same. :)

  4. Christina this is something that I have been wanting to rant about also! The thing that has been getting me lately is when other SOs say "your lucky because... my husband is on a X month deployment right now and yours isn't" etc. The military life is hard, and we all have deployments looming in the future, so instead of trying to one-up each other we should just do our best to 'understand.' We can all say that someone else is luckier than us for some reason or the other, but that doesn't mean we have to play the one-upper game.
    Pamela, it may be true that theres a difference between 12 months and one week, but I don't think that was the point of this post. Just because your husband deployed in the middle east for 7 months doesn't mean that our 6 month deployment on sea and various locations(and yes, we have to go without communication too) was any easier on us than you. We all miss our SOs, and even if we can't understand the exact details of what you went through/are going through doesn't mean we don't understand what it feels like to miss someone in this military life.

  5. I see where Pamela is coming from. While my husband may be deployed for 6-8 months at a time, I am not overly worried about his safety. Sure, unfortunate events do happen on the ship and lives are lost. I would be MORE worried if my husband was fighting on the ground, on the front lines. I have a great respect for those spouses that have to deal with that added stress on top of the deployment.

    I also agree with you Christina, especially about the "one uppers". Maybe they are just looking for some extra attention? I don't know if everyone misses their spouse the same (I only know how I feel), but I do think people should be allowed to miss their spouse no matter what the time frame may be. When you miss someone, you miss them regardless of the amount of time that has passed.

  6. Wow. Can I relate. I live in a big military town. But my husband is not military. He travels for work though. But, it's like I'm not allowed to say anything about him being gone b/c all I get is "at least it's just a week, mine is deployed."

    What hurts is that I'm not trying to say that my missing is the same as their missing, but it's still hard.

  7. I totally agree! I briefly mentioned this before, when people kept making comments about me missing my boyfriend. My boyfriend was gone for three weeks to training, and I missed him. Before that, we had only been apart for a week here and a week there. People would say, "Well, my husband has been gone x months, or I don't get to talk to mine." I was just thinking to myself..one, I didn't ask for their comments about my status. I was just making a statement.. "Hey, I miss my guy." I never compared it to a deployment or anything. It got me to think the same thing you posted about..."Missing someone." Missing someone shouldn't be a contest on how long someone has been gone. Missing someone is missing someone, regardless.

  8. I agree... and I hate the one uppers! Although sometimes I feel like I want to be (only to 1 girl) because she irks me with all her posts about how hard a-school as been on her family because she only gets to see him on the weekends, but talks to him everynight. Sometimes I feel like saying "well.. my husband is deployed and I haven't seen him in x months and wont for another x months so... be grateful" but I don't.. I say it to myself quietly.

    I think situations and distance can be different but the feelings are still the same.

  9. *standing ovation*

    I completely agree with you!!!! One uppers are completely ridiculous. I won't lie, I've felt those "Geez, I wish I could miss my husband for a week/4 days/3 months" moments, but you're right. Missing someone is pretty much the same... Only the circumstances of their absence make the difference.

  10. I'm sorry, you seem to have no idea what you're talking about. I've been the civilian gf with a bf away on business, I've been the reservist fiance with my soldier gone for 3 weeks for schooling, and most recently I've been the Army Wife separated for 16 months, due to a deployment. I'll give you it, that missing is missing. But until you've lived alone for (over) a year and handled all the responsibilities of two people, been Mom & Dad both as well as Santa and whatever else you have to be that day, you can't even begin to comprehend the depth that you will miss someone. You need to thank your lucky stars that you only have to deal with 1-4 weeks or whatever. Trust me, should you ever reach that point where you 2 have to be apart for 3-6+ months, you'll be changing your tune

  11. lola_hotness, you just proved my point. You are a classic one-upper. Just because YOU face challenges that are HARDER for YOU, doesn't mean those challenges are hard for someone else. It doesn't entitle you to miss your husband more or less than someone whose husband is away for a day to a week. "you seem to have no idea what you're talking about"... this is your words back at you. Because You, my dear just stuck your foot in your mouth when you said "You need to thank your lucky stars that you only have to deal with 1-4 weeks or whatever. Trust me, should you ever reach that point where you 2 have to be apart for 3-6+ months, you'll be changing your tune". I Too have been a civilian girlfriend with a boyfriend, which I lived with, away for weeks to months at a time. I have had my Military Husband, a Sailor away for a day, a week, a month 3 months to 9 months. My "tune" has NOT changed. You Take the separation challenges harder than I do, that is all that that means. It doesn't mean YOU miss your husband any more than I do or someone who is away from theirs for "Just" a day to a week.

  12. I think one upping is bad. And you are completely correct that missing is missing.

    In my own experience though I do find it much easier to have him gone to a specific location for a week or two where I can talk to him on the phone every day than to have him in an unknown location and not know for sure when I'll hear from him.

    I also think we need to show patience with the spouses who have a tough time with it. Show them support and understanding that for them it really is that tough. And although it may be easier for some it is harder for others.

  13. You're still missing the point. I choose words very deliberately and I mean EXACTLY what I say. Missing is missing...we agreed on this. YOU face tiny little separaations and that is harder for YOU. Because in the grand scheme of things, ANYBODY will agree with ME that 1 week is NOTHING compared to 15+ months in a warzone! But then again, you're married to a Sailor, so I'm sure he's seeing exactly NO action in these current campaigns IN THE FUCKING DESERT

  14. I have gone through 2 deployments as a Navy Wife, soon to be 3. I have been away from someone I loved for 8 weeks because I went to bootcamp. I've missed my husband when he went underway for a week or two.
    Ive played mommy, daddy, santa, etc. You name the holiday, you bet your little booty I have done it all alone. This is the life I chose. This is how it goes.
    However, I still feel bad when my friends miss their SO for even a day. That's all they know.
    They don't understand any other length of time and even that day kills them.

    So you're right, missing someone is missing someone. That's the whole point of your post. Not who has it harder, it's how much you miss that person when they are away.
    Heck I miss my husband when he goes to throw out the trash! :)

    There are women who can't wait for their SO to leave so they can be alone. There are women who see their SO everyday and constantly complain about them.

    So before anyone tries to one up anyone, realize that not everyone is given the same struggles as you for a reason.

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  16. People ALWAYS assume the Navy has shorter deployments. The answer is NO. Navy deploys for 7 months at a time but the year leading up to it they are gone more than they are home for weeks at a time. We have a family friend, NAVY medic, who is on the ground in Afghanistan. People who do construction in the Navy are deployed to the GROUND.

    You are being a one-upper right now and totally dismissing what you wrote n your first comment.

  17. My Dearest Lola, You speak of something you know NOTHING about and with such hostility. What point am I missing? Honestly, you're the one who missed the point. This blog was nothing about stesses with deployment. This blog is about MISSING SOMEONE. Clearly not a point you have been trying to make. I face little separations, I face long separations, I face back to back to back separations. NO DIFFERENT THAN YOU. YOU just take them harder. And... Your ignorance makes me chuckle. Sailors do go to the desert, and for just as long as the Army, Marines, Airforce.. you name it. NO different. You're on a NAVY WIFE blog, do you really expect your argument to go well? You know nothing about any branch other than the one you are associated with. Do you not think the Navy faces danger in the water? The Navy DOESN'T have it easy as you like to think, and neither do their wives. You must not know about ships getting shot at by pirate ships.. and that the Navy can't shoot back as long as that ship shooting at them is sitting still. You must not know about the fact that ships face pirate takeovers, suicide bombers (oh yes, it happens) and bomber attempts.
    And I do not see anyone agreeing with you, your argument is one sided. It appears you are loosing a fight that you picked.
    Please educate yourself before arguing something you know nothing about.. especially to someone who knows a hell of a lot about it.

  18. I will say that I was one that was bothered by people complain about a day, but I had to remember that I to was one of those people. I then realized that they dont know what it is like, but that doesnt mean that they cant miss someone. I have spent 1day to 6 months away from my husband, many different times. Every time I missed him just the same, as every other time. Some times it was duty, or at times he was deployed to Iraq. I realized though as I got older, when my friends complained about 1 day or 1 week that I was the best person for them to complain to, cause I knew what it was like, and could comfort them the best. I took pride in that, instead of the pride in being able to say I have been threw more time then them.

  19. Dearest Lola -

    I understand that you seem to be having an argument on a SAILOR'S WIFE post about a point you seem to be missing. Regardless of what you or anyone else has said on this subject the fact of the matter is that the person who can say their SO has never left, they've had them home for every holiday/birthday/child's birth/and every other major life altering event is the one whose got it better than all of those that have missed those things with their spouses. We signed up for this life, and we (as in those of us that are mature) take a certain pride in being able to say that our SO is serving our country.

    My husband is in the Navy.. No he is not deployed with a ship, no he's not in the middle of the desert, but he IS on an island guarding the exact people who have already tried brought incredible amount of sorrow and fear to this country once, and whom continue to try terrorizing our people day in and day out. The same exact people who have killed numerous soldiers, sailors, marines, and other American citizens. Do you think that he's in a "less dangerous" location because he's not in the middle of the desert?

    Regardless of what you seem to think there are always 2 sides to a coin, and if you are too ignorant and immature to attempt to see the other side then that's a life problem you've got to live with - don't force it on everyone else.

    A PROUD Navy Wife

    P.S. - You SERIOUSLY lost your argument as soon as you began cussing at someone who was simply trying to explain THEIR point of view (which by the way is totally allowed because that's ONE of our many rights as citizens of this wonderful country due to the men and women who have served and continue to serve for those of us civilians who are able to go back to our homes, beds, and families at the end of each day!)

  20. Lola, I am sorry you are having such a hard time with your deployment situation. I can't imagine what its like to have a loved one deployed for so long or in a dangerous zone. On the same hand, I guess I don't know what any sort of deployment is going to be like since I will soon be facing my first one as a spouse.

    You are right, I won't know the depth that I will miss my SO yet. I thank my lucky stars that he was here for our daughters first steps and her first birthday. He has missed quite a bit though with all the workups that have been going on for the last 6 months. I am hoping that I have prepared myself enough to deal with the deployment ahead.

    I can see how hurt and angry you are. You have every right to feel that way. I hope that you have a group of friends or family that can help you out, that you can lean on, and that give you strength to get through the hard times. Does it help to think that each day that passes is one day closer to his return?

    I agree with Megilon, we should support those that are having a tough time. It doesn't mean that we miss our SO's any less.

  21. Lola,

    You are on a Navy wife's site. So many of us replying are Navy wives. You won't get us to side with you by insulting the Navy. Please do not think that sailors are any less in danger. Just look at the USS Cole.

    My husband, a sailor, served in the sand in Iraq. Thankfully he came home safe and sound. Many sailors do go IA to Iraq, Afghanistan, Kuwait, etc.

    Currently he serves in the Pacific and with everything going on with Korea his ship could end up over there. In harms way.

    All branches have danger in their line of work. Those are the risks that military men and women sign on for. And their families with them to a certain extent. One doesn't outweigh the other. So let's try to be understanding of each other.