Monday, October 18, 2010
I'm thinking about the time I have left with my husband before he set out on his mission to protect the world, and I embark on the next chapter of my "Journey as a Navy Wife".
I'm not scared of deployment. I know that the communication skills between my husband and I will get us through any challenges that face us. I know and my husband knows that communication is key to any relationship and even more so in a military relationship.
I feel like I have prepared myself for deployment. I have set so many goals for myself for the duration of Deployment that I know it's going to make the time that we are apart easier.. maybe not easier, but run alot smoother and seem faster. I'm a busy body... and I have TONS planned, but I know to take a day to myself and just relax and breath every now and then.
So, now you are wondering... "Why the Title of 'Deployment Blues?' if you're not worried about Deployment?". The past couple of days I have started to worry about the time left before he leaves.. The very short time we have left to spend together before he is gone for months. I'm starting to feel a little anxiety from it, which I KNOW is not the best thing.. but is there really any way to get around not having some form of anxiety?
I want to be able to have some time to just "Us" and relax and enjoy each other's company... and with his schedule, it's not looking promising for much time together. Between these Underways and his work schedule.. I feel a little shafted, and jealous of the "Family Time" I'm reading about from other wives whose husband's are on my hubs ship.. And I hate being truly jealous of anyone.
I'm going to enjoy any time I get with him, there's no questioning that. I'm not going to let the anxiety of not getting a lot of time together get to me because I know that will make deployment harder for me, and I will not enjoy the time I have left with him as much as I should. I can't focus so much on any stress I have.
I think because of the anxiety It's causing me to dream bad dreams... I rarely dream and I have had not one.. but two nightmares the past two nights.
The first night I dreamt that I was folding laundry and looked to see a car pull up and two men in dress uniforms get out of the car. I opened the door and one of the men handed me a folded flag and they vanished into midair and everything around me turned to a black room. It was me and this folded flag, alone in a cold dark room. Then I woke up. It was absolutely HORRIBLE! There was never a word spoke in that dream..
The second dream I had, just last night, was my wedding band started to fall apart.. My diamonds were falling out one by one.. I woke up when the 3rd diamond of 8 fell out and I actually turned on the bedside lamp to make sure I hadn't lost any diamonds. I had a similar dream right before my husband and I got married, but about my engagement ring. I dreamt that my engagement ring was rusting and chipping away until it just crumbled and I woke up. My rings mean so much to my husband and I, they symbolize a unity and a promise... so you can see why this dream is so terrible to me... It was as if it was telling me my marriage was falling apart (No, I don't believe my rings hold my marriage together, they just mean a lot to my husband and myself..).
Thankfully, I know these are just bad dreams. I know my husband and my marriage is great and it's probably "predeployment" anxiety getting to me. Hopefully I'll get my head screwed on straight before he comes home from this underway and focus on enjoying our time together.