Bittersweet

July 11 is bittersweet. July 11 is the anniversary of my Husband and I's first miscarriage. It has been 4 years ago.

My husband and I were not married at the time. Honestly, being unmarried and pregnant scared me so much. When my husband and I started dating, he didn't want any kids. I knew I wanted kids more than anything later in life. I wasn't ready at 21. In June of 2008, I found out I was pregnant. There was no denying the more than 8 tests that I took. I waited a couple weeks before I told my now husband. I was SO scared he would leave me,which was extremely idiotic of me. I knew better. He is far from that type of guy.

I felt distanced from him and felt as if we started to argue a lot. Truth is, we were both terrified. We were both under a lot of pressure to get married and just under a lot of pressure in general. Come to find out, he was in shock, he was excited and was scared to touch me in any way for fear of hurting the baby. He was distancing himself from me because he was scared of hurting the baby and he hadn't a clue what to do.

It finally came out that he was excited and we were finally able to talk about it. The marriage talk came up and I told him I wanted to marry him more than anything, but I didn't want to marry him because of the baby.  He understood, but told me he had planned to put a ring on my finger before the end of the summer baby or not. He also told me he had been talking to his mother about this for months. It did make me feel happy, but I told him I wanted to wait and he was ok with that. I didn't want people to judge us or our baby.

We finally told some of his family, WELL.. we told his sister while visiting and me meeting some of his family for the first time. Before we could even get back to our home town, his parents already knew (JESS YOU HAVE A BIG MOUTH! LOL). They didn't let us know they knew, they waited for us to tell them. We told my parents, and my mom went on Myspace and announced to the world how excited she was to have her first grand baby on the way.

My first official doctor's appointment came. I went alone, he had to work. It was the official, "YOU'RE PREGNANT" appointment.

They did 2 tests, both came back negative. A friend from high school is the one who did my tests. He didn't know I had already taken tests or that we were planning for a baby at that moment. He also knew I wasn't married and how I felt about this sort of thing. He came in and said, "Well, you're not pregnant!". I just starred at him blankly. Then he knew something was ripping me apart and I told him about the home tests.

The doctor came in and started asking questions, doing more tests. One thing she did was feel all over my abdomen. When she put pressure down, I came off the table and screamed. I had never felt such horrible pain in my life. I instantly felt sick and tears rolled down my face.

She sat down for a minute, started going over her notes from the questions she asked and they did a blood test, etc.

Then came the news that I wasn't about a month along like we all had thought. I had been carrying since April and it was now July 11, 2008. I was 3 months pregnant and finding out my baby was no longer with me.

According to the doctor, I started miscarrying in May. I actually remember asking my husband if I had had a period because I was late. Then, it came and it was ridiculously heavy. I didn't think anything about it. June, I was spotty. June is when I thought something was different. I felt different and was nauseous, a lot. So, I took a test, several tests. All of which said positive.

My body was miscarrying when I tested. My HCG levels were still high to make me test positive, even though I was miscarrying.

To this day, I cannot remember everything the doctor said that day. I was in total disbelief and shock. I got to the car, and I lost it. I called my mom and it was the hardest thing I had to do, was to tell her about loosing my baby.

I found it even harder to tell my husband, boyfriend at the time.

I somehow managed to get ready for work and attempt to go in. I worked with my husband at the time. I was fine, fine as in ready to fall apart at any minute. I saw my husband and he just hugged me and held me. I was ok. I kept telling myself everything was going to be ok.

I went to the bathroom, calmed myself down and then started to walk to the front of the store. One of the ladies I work with stopped me and asked if I was ok. My husband had already let everyone know, just so they wouldn't ask about the baby. He didn't want it to be any harder on me. When Diane asked if I was ok, I lost it. I was an absolute wreck. She walked me outside to get me some fresh air and then the assistant store manager came out, bringing my husband with him. When my husband saw me, sitting on the ground sobbing, he lost it. I've rarely seen him shed a tear, but him seeing me that day hurting and him hurting too, he couldn't hold back. He came up and grabbed me and just held me.

Our boss told us to go home, that he wasn't allowing either of us to work that day. I'm so thankful for how great everyone at my then job was. I was in no condition to work, especially when several customers and everyone we worked with knew I was pregnant.

At the same time that this was the hardest time in my life, it was also one of the most rewarding times, too. My husband didn't want kids, but this forever changed him. After he got over being scared, he would talk to my belly, kiss my belly and rub my belly every day. He wanted to be a daddy, and I knew he would make an amazing dad- and still will, one day. He confirmed for me more than anything how he was so perfect for me.

I don't understand and never will understand why God put us through a miscarriage (and many more after this one), but I do understand why he allowed us to get pregnant. It taught us so much about each other and ourselves. It made us closer and showed us so much more how we wanted to be together and to raise a family together.

Shortly after our miscarriage, he proposed. I said yes, and every day since, I would say yes over and over.

Even though July 11 is hard and emotional for me, it's such sweet sorrow to know I was carrying for as long as I was, to see my husband change, and to feel closer than I already was to him. One day we will be blessed with a baby. I don't know when or how, but when that day comes, he and I will be the happiest parents in the world.