"You're Going Against God's Will"

Through mine and my husbands marriage, we've had many many people ask, "Do you have children?", "Why don't you have any children?", "Are you planning to have children?", etc.
Typically I can brush it off unaffected, but deep down it stings. It stings because many people don't know we struggle with holding a pregnancy.

This evening, I read a comment on a post to a popular blog that really got under my skin and raised my blood pressure a little bit. To someone who didn't have or maybe even want children, someone posted something along the lines of, "You're going against God's will", and another comment of, "Someone didn't get the memo of planting seeds and procreating".

To those people who said that, to those people who think that... here's a big middle finger to you.

It angers me so much that I can't think clearly on what to write or put into words everything flooding my mind. It takes me back several years ago when someone commented on my blog with, "Maybe God doesn't want you to have a child.", followed by, "Maybe God thinks you will take a child for granted.". All those emotions... all the anger is surfacing again.

I believe God has a plan for everyone. And I am 100% positive it isn't going against God's will if you don't have children. Some of us don't even have the option, Why? Because right now, God has a different plan for us- whether it be to wait, adopt, foster, etc. It's no place for you to belittle nor place judgement of someone who chooses not to, who chooses to wait or can't.

I may be over reacting, I may be just a little touchy on the matter.. but if you have been through what I have even once, you understand what I'm feeling reading that.

Learning to Hit the Curve

Browsing Facebook today made me realize it has been one year since this most recent deployment ended. Now, I find myself looking back on all the events of the past year. Needless to say, it has been a crazy year. 

There have been a lot of good times, but there has been many hard times. 

When you get married, you think about your happily ever after and want everything to be perfect. Well, life throws curve balls and sometimes you feel like you are continuously striking out. 

You know when he comes home from deployment there will be an adjustment period. You go through the lovey-dovey phase, then the cramped phase with a little bickering, and then it all levels out. At least, this is what I expected this go 'round; these were the phases we went through every other time. 

It's been a hard year, but I'm learning how to hit this damn curve ball. 

I knew my husband had a dependency on alcohol early on into our marriage, maybe even before we were married. For the most part before this recent deployment I ignored it. Maybe not ignored it, but I kept telling myself it was a phase he'd grow out of. I was lying to myself, and he was lying to himself when he said he didn't have a problem. 

Deployment 2012, my husband came home with a full blown addiction to alcohol. For at least 2 weeks after he came home, I never saw him sober. I'd come home from work to him drunk and I'd wake up in the morning to him still buzzed. Alcohol controlled my marriage. Honestly, I look back and think, "How did I get through those 2 months after deployment?". By far, being married to someone who has an addiction is the most challenging thing I have ever had to face. I never want to live those days over. 

I'm still swinging. 

As much as some days have made me want to throw my bat down and give up, I'm no quitter. Do I deserve some of the stuff I've been through this past year? Of course not. But, it's a challenge I accept because I know who my husband is and I know my husband is not defined by alcohol. Our marriage is not defined by alcohol. He is a better person for all this year has put us through. I am a stronger person. I feel this has taught us it's going to take a lot more to break us. 

We are still learning how to deal with everything. Every swing, we get a little closer to getting a solid hit on life's big curves.

No one can prepare you for what life is going to throw at you. You just have to keep swinging. 

Photo captured by Cocoa Bean Photography,
USS Enterprise homecoming November 4, 2012