The Back-Up Plan

Here's what I have learned tonight.
It's smart to go into a marriage with a Back-Up plan.

I have also learned that if you go into your marriage with No back-plan you are uneducated, dependent on your husband, are "dumb", oblivious to the "Real World".. etc. [insert another uneducated judgmental comment here]

*Takes chill pill*

When I said, "Yes, [husband], I will marry you!". I wasn't thinking, "Oh shit, I need a back up because we may get divorced down the road". That, to me, is like keeping divorce papers in my top dresser drawer just in case I change my mind. Horse shit is what that is. Excuse me if you disagree, it's one of those blogs- my beliefs.

When the husband and I got engaged, My thought process was eternity, DEATH do us part. The dreaded "D", and by "D" I mean Divorce (although Death isn't something I like to speak of either!), was not a possibility. It is STILL not in my thought process nor is it something he and I toss around for shits and giggles.

Divorce isn't an option. We don't believe in it. Does that mean things don't happen? No. However, WE went into our marriage believing in our relationship 100%, no doubts. We do not believe in divorce. So, thinking I needed to have a "Back-up plan" before saying, "I do" is just silly to me.

Ok, because I didn't set this back up plan, I'm a.)dumb; Considering how far I've come over the years, the things I've accomplished and the things I have overcome- I know I'm far from "dumb". b.)oblivious; I'm well aware. And I know my relationship and I know I don't need a "Back-up plan" to ensure I'm taken care of in ANY situation. c.) Dependent; That made me chuckle. A dependent gal who who runs 2 businesses as well as has a part time job, plus volunteers with various organizations. I believe I can handle my own.

Need I say more?

I'm far from a dumbass. I'm actually quite successful according to my personal definition of "Success". I would much rather focus on my relationship and staying positive within my marriage rather than focus on the Negative and the thought process of making plans for divorce.

I didn't enter my marriage thinking, "There's always divorce". I didn't get married expecting a divorce. I went into my marriage- and to this day, have 100% faith in my marriage. Through the good times and the bad, my Back-up plan IS MY MARRIAGE- my husband.

"Smart" it may be to have this so called, "Back-up plan" for some, I don't need a "Back-up Plan". My "Plan" is to focus on my Marriage and not on myself, not on the what if's, and surely not on divorce.

"D" isn't for deployment, "D" is for DiVoRcE

I've noticed a lot of relationships get torn apart by deployment. Right around the time of the halfway party, you start to see those who quit. Both on the deployment side and the home-front. I'm not just speaking about those affiliated with the Ship my husband is apart of.. it's everywhere.

I can't judge their reasoning, I do not know it. It is also not my place to know or judge it. However, there are some who just blatantly put it out there. To me, it looks bad on their part because It's a personal and should be private matter- but in their defense, it's good to vent. But that's not what this blog is about.

It's sad to me to see marriages and relationship's fall apart. Some of which, I know are stupid reasons that could be worked or well, quite honestly, should have never been issue to begin with. There are some who are private with the matter (as it should be), So this isn't about anyone of those. I can't comment on their troubles.

Today, I think about my marriage. My husband and I have a couple disagreements, well- Arguments. I can't really even say they were arguments. My husband didn't use the best judgment and made some poor decisions, but it was nothing to make me want to quit my marriage. My husband isn't perfect, and I know my marriage isn't perfect. However, there are days when I read SO much negativity about other's marriages and even negativity about the husband- Posted by the wife mind you, that I sit back and say, "Wow, Thank God my marriage is perfect.". It's not perfect, but It's pretty damn good compared to some.

I'm not trying to bash anyone or anyone's relationship- but I think there comes a time when some need to step back and remind themselves WHY they got married or WHY they committed to the relationship in the first place. "Love conquers all", if you love someone and you WANT it to work and they WANT it to work- it will. The problem is people give up entirely too easy. Yes, there are those situations where one person wants it to work, and the other doesn't... Those are just sad situations. I have a friend that has tried and tried- She wants it, he doesn't anymore. I feel terrible for her, he is the idiot in this situation.

Why do the stresses from deployment break marriages? It's not even deployment's fault, Why do people allow the stresses they face to completely break their marriage? Why do people quit when the situation can't entirely be fixed with Thousands of miles and several months to go between them?

I just honestly do not understand it. Marriage isn't just something to quit and walk away from. It's SUPPOSED to be forever. Why be so brash and start talking the "D" word, divorce *cringe*, when the problem, if a big problem, can't entirely be solved until the deployment is done? I just don't get it.

Open your eyes. You LOVE him or her... and more than likely he/she LOVES you too.

Seriously, Thank God I have a great relationship with my husband. I'm so grateful for the good communication we posses and our willingness to make sure our marriage works, and we are both happy.

We survived A-School

Andreea asked me about my experience with A-School, and I realize now I didn't say too much about it in my blog. So.. Wah-lah.. A blog!

I have heard so many ladies say that Boot camp and A-School were so much harder than deployment. Seeing as I have yet to go through a deployment, I cannot answer this just yet. We are currently preparing for Deployment.. and I have to say, the workups are pretty draining. However, so far.. A-School has been the hardest part I have dealt with as being a Navy wife.

The hubby's A-School was only supposed to be about 7 weeks long. But, little did we know.. it was going to take a while for him to class up... more than 4 months just to class up.

Okay, so yeah, the distance was hard, but I was away from him at boot camp... what's the difference?

We were able to talk every day. And being able to talk to someone every day and not be able to be in their arms, see them, kiss them.. Makes it harder than just boot camp, where our talking was through letters and a few short phone calls. He and I were so stressed just because we missed each other.. and when you're stressed and you get to the point where  you break down, you tend to take it out on the person you're closet too. For me and for my husband, that was each other. Our stress and missing each other lead to a few arguments. We had to learn to really communicate, and talk to each other. We thought we had communicated things well to each other, A-school taught us that we were wrong... but luckily in the long run, it helped us when we were forced to learn that.

Another thing that made it hard was he had freedom to do what he wanted when Liberty was called. Don't get me wrong.. I trust my husband 100% it was just the thought that the things he would go out and do, didn't involve me. I wanted to be apart of his every day life, and wasn't apart of it because of the distance.

A lot of the guys he knew were not married, and some didn't even have a girlfriend. No problem Right? Wrong. Some unmarried guys don't seem to have respect for marriage.. not necessarily that they don't have respect, but that they are single and if your husband is their best friend in A-School... they want them to take part in what they do and totally disregard the fact that he is married and could care less of the consequences. So, needless to say, I hated some of the guys he went to A-school with.

"Tag Chasers" were crazy in Pensacola. Okay, not just "Tag Chasers" but I guess you could say Barracks Bunnies were worse. Girls who are in the military and sleep with everyone. Just nasty. We now call these girls "Boat Hoes"...girls that will sleep nearly with a whole division or more. Some of these girls have absolutely no morals.

Seems there is a lot of pressure to drink in A-school as well. Guys would all pitch in and get a hotel room for the weekend and drink the entire weekend. All the drinking can strain a relationship, especially when it comes to bills that need to be paid.

It is truly hard to explain the emotional stress of A-school. From my experience and other ladies as well. Seems like there was always some kind of trust issue. I trusted my husband like nothing else, and found out he would hide little things just because he feared they upset me.. and in the end, they would upset me more because he hid them. I have found that more than 5 ladies I have met on Facebook also had this problem.

There were several times I questioned whether our marriage would survive the constant strain that was being put on me, on him and our relationship. He questioned it too. But we loved each other and love doesn't quit. Love keeps fighting and doesn't give up. We made it. We survived A-school.

I never want to got through the emotional strain of A-School again. However, my husband's and mine relationship is a lot stronger because of the challenges we faced in A-school.
The workups I am currently getting through, have been a breeze compared to A-School and have just made each of us realize how much we enjoy being with each other. It's made my husband realize a lot more.. but that will be another blog ;)

I hope I answered some of your questions Andreea :)

Marriage

I recently read a blog by a fellow Military Wife about people who split up in the Military. After reading and commenting on her blog, I decided I would blog and share my opinion on what I see a lot, and some personal information as well.

Now days it seems as people get into a marriage with the mentality of "Well, we can always get divorced.". This is NEVER a good mentality to go into a marriage with. It's like you don't believe in what marriage stands for. In my opinion, people with this mentality will never have a successful marriage. This goes for both Military and Civilian marriages. Marriage is not a "High School" Relationship. Marriage is the real deal. Where are your morals?

Another thing I see being an issue, especially in military marriages is couples who get married too young. Nothing against anyone who does, just want to state that some people do not realize that they are still immature or have yet to fully mature. You may think you are fully matured.. but you will look back a couple years from now and realize how much you have grown as a person. I think this is something to really think about before jumping in, Especially in a military relationship. I'm talking about the 18 and 19 year olds, fresh out of high school. Also, males mature slower than females as well. And personally I think they "Grow up" and then decline in maturity all over again before they truly "Grow up". They still want their "Freedom". My husband and I have hit a few "Hiccups" with the whole him wanting to just do whatever he wanted, he was 19 when we wed. He still wants to do his own thing, be rebellious. But at the same time, he loves me and wants to be with me. So, we work together as a team.

I have met numerous girls who married just for that, To be married.  To "Live their fairytale", to grow up, get married, and have kids. I've noticed when married life is not what they always dreamed it to be, they give up and run from their marriages. No working things out, no trying, just done. I have seen this numerous times.

Numerous couples get married just because they got pregnant. This is NEVER a good reason just to get married. I also see a lot of couples who get married and immediately want to have kids. This is stressful on a relationship, especially in a military relationship. You should always have time to you and your spouse, to adjust to married life.. and on top of that, adjust to the military life.

Since being a Navy Wife, I have seen a lot of "Tag Chasers". What is a Tag Chaser? 1) Someone who is sexually attracted to someone ONLY because they are in the military. 2) Someone who is looking to marry someone in the military. These people disgust me. They marry Military men because they want the benefits, they want money. They will prey on any man in uniform whether they have a ring on their finger or not. When they do marry, they are known to cheat and usually with another man in uniform. It's plain out sleezy. I have never seen a marriage of this sort work.

I have seen what was believed to be the "Strongest" marriages crumble. You may think your marriage is unbreakable, but anything is possible. I am married, and I use to think my marriage was strong.. and I still think it is strong, but it's not unbreakable. No marriage is unbreakable. How many people have you seen split and you were like, "Wow, I never expected that."? Most of the time, one of the persons involved.. didn't expect it either. I have seen a 25 year marriage crumble for no reason other than she is "Not happy anymore". He never saw it coming.

 No marriage is perfect. Marriage is a job. Some people just give up and quit. You don't get a "break" from marriage. It's a constant job. Yea sure, it's hard sometimes, but you are going to have days at some point that you just don't feel happy. Not necessarily unhappy with your husband, just where you don't feel happy. You might even take it out on your Spouse, and not intentionally mean put it all on them. Stress can do this as well. That is something my husband and myself are working on. When we are upset, mad or stressed, We tend to get snappy with each other. We don't mean to do it, but we both know this is how we are and always have been. People have a tendency to "take things out" on people they care about most. Communication is key to a working relationship. Without good communication, a marriage is set to fail.

I would also like to share that there is absolutely nothing wrong with going to Marriage Counseling. I know couples who go before deployments just to help relieve any stress or tension between themselves. I know a lot of men who don't want to go. They think they "Don't need it" or that they will be embarrassed. There is nothing embarrassing about wanting to make your marriage work smoothly. I think more marriages would work if people would take the steps just to ensure they are communicating and working together. Counseling will definitely be a help.

This is all I have for now. I hope someone enjoyed my rambling :)

Blame Yourself

I posted this on Facebook over the weekend.. and it caught a lot of heat. But these are my thoughts, you don't have to agree with me.

Sometimes I read something that just irritates me. Best Remedy= Blogging.

I have a question for Military wives. If you married your husband KNOWING he was in the military or KNOWING he was going to enlist.. and you complain about him always being gone, or how you want him to get out of the military so bad.. blah blah blah.. WHY DID YOU MARRY HIM? (I'm talking about the girls who constantly change their status to "It's Complicated" and back again.. and status' that they are leaving, etc.) It's normal to let deployments get you down, and even duty days every now and then, but missing someone is different then being irrational and negative about it.

This is how I feel   (photographer: Ernie Passwaters, model: me)

It makes me mad because YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING IN TO. And a lot of the girls I see complaining about it, their husbands are in the Military as a career. I see Military Wives who constantly argue with their husbands, blamming them for all the problems in their relationship, blamming the military. They post negative status updates about their relationship for everyone to see, BUT when someone says something about it.. They get offended and tell people to "Stay the hell out of their business". YOU made it public news, YOU wanted attention. YOU are selfish and need to look at your situation and re-evaluate the problem. MAYBE you are part of the problem and YOU need to grow up.

Girls that throw it in their husbands face about how he missed an anniversary all because he joined the "Damn Military". Or even worse, Making him feel horrible because They weren't there for the doctor's visit to hear the baby's heart beat for the first time. Or because they couldn't be there for the birth of their child. Do you not think they don't want to be there? I know it hurts them not to be there. Situations like this are so sad.

 Another thing that bothers me is when Military wives just pack up and move home, just because they don't like their husband's duty station. Home is what you make it. If you don't like where you are living, it's because you've made it that way. I understand the one's who move home while their husband is deployed, I'm not talking about you ladies. I love my husband, and I want to be wherever he is when I can. My husband is my best friend.. and that's the way it should be.
You all know who you are. YOU are selfish.

I know I've probably angered a few military wives out there, but I honestly do not care that I upset you. This is what I believe. I happen to love being around my husband and spending as much time as possible with him. And he agrees with me on this. I love that he and I share the same views on almost everything.

Just to clear things up, This note isn't about any one person in particular. I just say what I think when something triggers me to do so. It's just my personality.

 Tootles.