Our Journey Home

The last time I updated my blog was June 25 with my letter to my son, Dear Cash William. I was still pregnant and was measuring 34 weeks. Little did I know that shortly after that post, I would meet my little boy. This blog is about our journey home. Trigger warning for Preemie and NICU moms. This will be a long post. 

On June 26th, I went to my OB for a followup and to have my blood pressure monitored. First, I had my weight checked. I was shocked to see I had gained nearly 30lbs in less than 2 weeks. I knew I had gained, but never would have imagined so much. My blood pressure was high when first checked. They opted to do a manual blood pressure reading and it read higher. I was sent to labor and delivery in hopes they could get my blood pressure down.

I was at the hospital for several hours being monitored. At first, they had no plans to keep me over night. They were getting my discharge papers for me and sending me home on strict bed rest. Then, as I got up to change out of the hospital gown, my blood pressure jumped to the 180's and I was admitted.

It was a miserable night. Every hour I was woke up for tests and monitoring. I started to have contractions, although I wasn't feeling them. My blood pressure was up and down all night, even when resting. The following afternoon, my doctor came in with the news I had severe preeclampsia. My protein shot up from 45 to 4500 in less than 2 weeks. Then, she told me I was being transferred to a hospital in Fresno that handles high risk, preterm, preeclampsia patients.

I was in the hospital for a few days. The goal was to keep me there, on strict bed-rest, for 2 weeks. Of course, this was totally dependent on my body and how much I could and was willing to push it. I was willing to stick it out far longer than the doctors ended up letting me. 

On Monday, June 29th, about 8PM PST, My blood pressure shot up to 188/110 while on medicine to lower my blood pressure. At the same time, my oxygen levels dropped. Both the blood pressure and oxygen monitor alarms went off and 2 nurses ran in. One of the nurses put an oxygen mask on me and as she was doing so, the doctor came in. He told me my liver and kidneys were showing stress and, at that point with my blood pressure jumping and oxygen levels diving, he had no choice. He told me he was going to have to take my baby by emergency c-section and it had to happen as fast as possible. I freaked out because my husband wasn't there. I had sent him home because I was feeling fine. Keyword, was. I asked the doctor if my husband had enough time to make it to the hospital, nearly an hour away. The doctor said, "Tell him to drive fast". My husband walked in as they were rolling me out to the operating room.

Leaving my hospital room and rolling to the operating room, I was scared to death. I was only 32 weeks, said to be measuring 34 weeks. What if he was only 32 weeks? I was terrified. NICU was unavoidable at this point, whether 32 or 34 weeks. I just wanted my little boy to be ok. I wanted to keep him in and let him grow more. But, that wasn't possible. My placenta was attacking my body.

My c-section wasn't pleasant. I had a rough stick with my spinal block and during surgery I could feel more than just pressure. I didn't really hurt, but I could feel pinching and pricks in my abdomen. On top of this, I felt like I couldn't breathe. My son was up in my ribs, so they had to push down to get him out. It's not like they just cut you open and pull the baby out. They push the baby to the hole in your stomach. The worst part of it all, is wondering if he was going to be ok when he came out. 

The 5 seconds I got to see my baby
While in the O.R.

When Cash William was pulled from my stomach, I literally felt empty. I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. All I could see was my husband to my left and what looked like a tarp over top of me. I couldn't see what they were doing and worst of all, I couldn't see my baby boy. Then, I heard him cry and I lost it. He was breathing. He was ok. My husband had to calm me down because I was sobbing so hard. The nurse brought him over to show me my baby boy. He was perfect. I didn't get to hold him. Only 5 seconds and he was taken out of the room to NICU. He was only 32 weeks and weighed 3 pounds, 14 ounces and measured 16 inches long. 

I was taken to recovery. I wasn't going to get to see my baby boy that night. Once NICU had Cash set up in his room, My husband was able to go in and see him for a bit. I however, didn't get to see him for 2 days. TWO DAYS. It was torture. I was on strict bed-rest due to my blood pressure, the magnesium I was on and intense swelling. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life.

Photo my husband took while
visiting with our son.

Thankfully, my husband went to NICU and sat with Cash. While there, he skyped me. He took tons of pictures for me on his phone too. Not only is it hard not getting to see your baby other than by phone.. It is even harder seeing your baby in an isolette with wires and tubes all over him. 

We had no guaranteed timeframe of how much time we were going to be making the NICU our second home. They told us to expect his due date, which wasn't until August 22.. could be earlier, could be later. 

The day I finally got to go see my son, my husband took me by wheel chair. I was still having blood pressure issues, severe swelling and was only taking Motrin for pain. Rolling down the hall and seeing the doors for the NICU, I was extremely nervous and scared. Of what? I'm really not sure. None of those feelings existed when I laid eyes on him. 

His doctor came by his room immediately when we came in.  She said Cash was doing well. He had been taken off of the oxygen at this point, yay! The steroid shots I received before my transfer to Fresno helped him SO much. He was so tiny. His doctor allowed us to do skin to skin and we were able to feed him the colostrum I pumped through a syringe. During his NICU stay, learning to eat was his biggest challenge. 

I was discharged from the hospital after a week. The same day I was discharged, Cash was moved to NICU II. I cried. I was happy he was moved a step up.. but tortured by the fact that he no longer had a room and I couldn't stay with him. We stayed until shift change and then we had to make our drive back to Lemoore. I cried walking away, I cried being rolled to the car and cried the entire way home. I felt like I was living a nightmare. 

Discharge day!

Every day, my husband and I made the drive to the NICU. Every day for 5 weeks. It was like a roller coaster where you're being drug by your ankles... and I never thought it was going to end.

We had set backs with digestive issues, Jaundice, Aspiration, and the length of time it was taking him to learn to eat. We were literally having to teach him how to eat. The day we were told we'd be discharged, they found a heart murmur and almost didn't release him. Thankfully, he was allowed to come home and we scheduled a follow up for his heart (All is well! He has a narrow valve and it'll either grow with him or he'll grow out of it!).

After NICU we had an ER visit via ambulance with a seizure-like episode. Little man has severe reflux. He still has the digestive issues, so he is off Neosure because it makes his reflux so so so much worse and is only strictly breastmilk.

This is the short version. I wanted to blog sooner, but I was a bit preoccupied. Cash is now 3 months old today! He left NICU weighing 5 pounds, 10 ounces and today, He weighs 10 pounds, 1 ounce! He's classified as a rapid gainer and will likely adjust by 12  months vs the 2 years expected! Woot! Grow Cash grow!

Our journey through pictures: 

A Different Journey

The past few days I have been cleaning out the room that will become baby boys nursery. Among the items to move out are all the baby items I've hoarded over the years that are not meant for a little boy. I have quite a bit of little girl clothes and even crib bedding in paisley. The truth then set in, and oddly I find that I'm very content.

The truth is, Baby Boy may be our only child to come from my belly. At first, looking at all the adorable little girl clothes, I felt a little sad. But then Baby Boy kicked and I felt absolute calmness and extreme happiness. Fact is, even if I can carry again, we'll be facing the same journey it took to get where we are now with little man. While I'm happy I made it through everything we faced, I really don't want to go through it again, even if in the end there is an absolutely amazing reward. I don't think I can do it mentally nor physically. I'm being blessed with an absolute little miracle right now. God gave me what we've been praying for for 7 years almost. And Baby Boy is our, "Lucky number 7". I think God is pulling us in an alternate direction for baby number 2. He answered our prayers, and now, he's talking another direction for the future.

The topic of adoption has come up many times over the past several years. We had finally become content with that as our only option... but little did we know when we had that last talk, I was already pregnant (God sure does have some oddly perfect timing!). We had the talk while we were out shopping for the foster kids we adopted for Christmas. My heart felt so full (I was super emotional, and now I know that some of that is attributed to pregnancy hormones! LOL). My husband I spoke about fostering and eventually adopting. I was at peace we were on the same page and we had accepted a different journey, then God blessed us even more than we could have ever imagined.

Today, talking with my husband, we agreed to part with all the baby girl stuff we have packed away. We'd rather it go to someone who could use it now, vs it being in space saver bags stored in a plastic bin. We spoke about the realization that Baby Boy may be the last pregnancy. Then, we talked about adopting a baby girl down the road. I honestly think this is the path for us. It's a path we both agree on. 

I feel at peace and absolutely beyond blessed. This pregnancy has it's complications, but I was blessed with no real morning sickness and healthy growing boy who gives me little kicks to make me smile throughout the day.


Follow me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JourneyOfANavyWife

Life since the PCS

My husband and I have been in California for 7 months, going into our 8th month now. In just this short period of time, SO many things have changed and I've been blessed in so many ways.

As many of you know, I run my own photography studio, Christina Rush Photography. A couple years ago, I had a big project in my mind. The project being working with women and showing their natural beauty. I joined other photography projects catering to women, but nothing fulfilled my idea. Every project seemed to cater to a specific look for women. To fit a project's idea of beauty, they had to be curvy, have a mom body, be fit.. etc. Everything EVERYONE, was labeled by a specific body type. In 2014, after hashing my ideas with a beautiful momma, Jessi, I decided to start putting together a plan and execute it for launch in 2015. I shut down my boudoir site, Just a Little CRush and headed in a wonderfully new direction. In January of 2015, a nationwide project called Raw Beauty Sessions was launched. Thank you Jessi for pushing me to do what I wanted, and what I needed.

Raw Beauty Sessions is on a mission to show all women, they are beautiful, just as they are. No matter a woman's body type, no matter if a woman has what society calls, "Flaws".. all women are beautiful. I'm proud to say that as of May, 1, 2015 we have photographers in 7 states and we are growing! Yeah!

Another awesome growth for me since our PCS to California? My photography newsletter is now sent to more than 40 people. While I don't send newsletters regularly, this is something I'm very proud of. This means people are looking at what I'm doing, and people do enjoy my work. I can't wait to announce a HUGE adventure I'll be taking after our baby boy arrives in a few months.. oh yeah, I still haven't blogged about that either, have I? Man, I'm behind! :D

So, the MOST EXCITING thing to happen in my life since the move and.. well, pretty much ever... We are pregnant! My last posts about doctor visits and seeing where we were heading with our journey to have a baby were actually follow up baby appointments. While there are some scary things going on with this pregnancy and a  lot of risks for premature labor, our little boy is healthy and currently thriving at 24 weeks. I feel his movements, his kicks. He there, he's alive and he's ours. We finally got our little miracle I've been praying and begging for for almost 7 years. Almost 7 years, and 6 miscarriages.. He's our lucky number 7.

We'll have more images, better quality, next weekend :)

Life is is so amazing right now.

Heart Strings

Image from http://www.smittenby.net

Lately, the thought of adoption has been tugging at my heart strings a little bit. When I was 16, I always said I didn't want to have kids of my own, I only wanted to adopt. As I grew older, my want to adopt never changed, but the want to become pregnant and carry weighs heavy on my heart.

My husband wants children and wants to try without adopting first. After 5 years of marriage, and 6 miscarriages faced in the time we've been together, I feel like something is telling me maybe adopting is what I'm supposed to do.

With every miscarriage, there has always been someone to say, "Maybe now is not the right time". But there is never a wrong time, in my opinion. To bring a baby into the world when 2 people want it so badly and without a shadow of a doubt, would provide the best life they possibly could for the child, and love the child more than anything in the world... what's wrong with that?

Yes, the past year has been hell trying to help my husband fight his addiction and yes, there's a long road ahead of us. But the addiction is something he will have to battle for the rest of his life, it is a disease you learn to work through. You are never cured. But it does get easier to manage and live with.

I start thinking about how amazing adopting would be. I think of how scary it would be and, unfortunately, how much it would cost us. But any amount of money would be worth it to me to give a child a loving home, and fill the hole in mine and my husband's hearts. I've been doing research and I'm finding some assistance, thankfully.

I found the military will give $2000 in adoption assistance, of course, there are rules to it- ones I would be more than happy to adhere to. I also found out that my job gives up to $5000 in assistance. Knowing this, pushes me more toward it; I feel like it is more of something telling me this is what I'm supposed to do.

Within the past year, I was accepted into the Red Thread Sessions program as a volunteer to photograph newly adopting families. It was always a program I admired, and had so much respect for. It's something I feel strongly about. The more photographs I see from Red Thread Sessions, my heart just fills. I've grown a passion for adopting. Again, something feeding my want to adopt.

Early in July, I found out I was pregnant. With my past history of miscarriages, I was terrified and I made a doctor's appointment for the 1st available date. A few days went by and I went to the doctor, where they did a blood test to confirm pregnancy, and wouldn't know the results until the next day. My worry increased with my results. The nurse who called with my results said, "Your HCG levels are not high enough for us to medically consider you pregnant. It could be extremely early in your pregnancy, but we need to wait a few days and see if you start your cycle.". In other words, "You may be pregnant and everything is ok, just early, or you are losing your baby". July 15th, is the day I started to miscarry and July 16th, my miscarriage was confirmed. I was 5-6 weeks along. I feel anxiety just thinking about it. Each one has affected me differently both emotionally and physically. While I'm hurt and absolutely heart broken, I feel a sense of calmness. The week of my miscarriage, I had dreams. Each dream was happy, and about baby #6. Out of all my miscarriages, never once did I have a sense of the gender of the baby, but for some reason, I new 6 was a girl, and she had her daddy's blue eyes, and my dimples. Whether that would be true or not, It comforts me to think it.

The story doesn't really relate to adoption, but it's one of those things that keeps me divided on my decision. Adopt, or keep trying and possibly face more heart break. I was only a few weeks into my pregnancy, and I already had such a strong sense of connection to my child. I worry with adoption, would I have that same connection? One can hope so, but it is something I completely fight with myself over and I believe my husband does as well. What if we adopt and eventually are able to have a biological child, would the connection or feelings be different? I know it might sound silly, or I might be looked at badly for even asking such questions, but it's a very real worry for me. I know without a shadow of a doubt I'd love the child, and the child would be mine. But I can't help but wonder, would the feelings be slightly different? When talking with people about adopting, of course people with no knowledge of what it's like with an adopted child, they've always commented it wouldn't be the same.

I know I over think things. It's just how I am. But with such a huge decision, I need to know what to expect.

Ever want something so bad, but the what ifs keep you held back? I feel like that's where I'm at right now.

Sometimes You Just have to Flick the World Off and Shut the Door

Thank you to everyone who sent supportive comments to my last blog post. They meant a lot to me and were very much needed. There was more to the situation then what was posted, but only a select few people really know the whole thing. I prefer to keep it that way.

Since my last blog post, I have been keeping myself very busy, and kept myself away from blogger and away from Facebook. So, now.. I'm trying to catch up. I've missed alot! But, I'm happy I took time for myself. We all need time to ourselves every now and then.

I'm so happy I have some very supportive friends and followers on my blog. There are people who are always there for you, and in a situation when you truly need a friend, you find out who your closest friends really are.

I got tons of support, and honestly didn't really expect anything. I just needed a place to let my feelings come out.. and my blog is always that place. I received so many comments on here and also on FB (my blog feeds to my facbook profile), all of them uplifting (well, with the exception of one very rude comment), and supportive. Again, thank you. Although I do not know many of you who read this, I feel like I have someone who listens.

When all this happened, I bottled it all up. I guess I felt it was easier to deal with if it didn't get talked about. Well, as most of us know.. bottling things up isn't the best thing to do. I had my moment.

I received a text from a friend that makes me smile, and at the same time is oh so very true (minus the fact that she can be a bitch.. I've never seen it lol). It said :

"Sometimes I feel like you don't let yourself have a bad day, where you stay in your pjs and just do whatever you want. You try to be positive all the time. When sometimes you just have to flick the world off for a day and shut the door. You're so sweet to everyone all the time. Take a lesson from someone who can be a real bitch at times"

 I realize I am always a positive person. I don't think that's a bad quality to have.. however, Who said you can't have a bad day, or that you won't face hard situations? It's ok to have a bad day.. to let people see you upset. EVERYONE has a bad day from time to time.

In the time that I was away, I did 3 shoots. I did a Maternity shoot, Family shoot and just today I did a 1st birthday shoot. Once I get my photography Blog going, I will do posts about each shoot. I'll post a link here when I get it all pretty for those who want to see more (hopefully someone!)  Meanwhile, here's a little preview:

To the ladies who one my most recent contest, Please email me. I have only Heard from Brittany, and would like to get you your prizes! CRushGFX@yahoo.com.

Hopefully I will get some good posts going on this well. I now have 175 followers... Wowza! If you have anything you would like me to blog about or a question, Post a comment. I'll get on it! :)

Christina, Just Keep Smiling.

I'm stressed.. and it's not because my husband is away.. I mean, I miss him and it would be so much easier if he were home right now, but that's not why I'm stressed. Maybe stressed isn't the right word.. I'm happy, but at the same time, I feel like I'm loosing it? Mixed emotions with so much going on. I don't know what I'm feeling in all honesty.

I handle these workups quite well. I'm proud of myself for that. I have control over my emotions pretty well. Occasionally things get to me, and until I made this blog, noone other than my husband knew anything that ran through this head of mine, I guess because no one truly wanted to listen. But lately.. my emotions are getting the best of me.

I'm always in a good mood, even when I'm upset.. I'm always the one smiling... and staying positive. Noone ever sees me upset. I don't like for people to see me upset.. and on the days where I don't feel like smiling, I smile anyways.. and make the day a good one. But today, I feel like someone just hit the replay button on my emotions from last month, refer to the post "Not keeping it bottled up" .. 6th paragraph. It didn't happen again,  I'm just feeling those emotions as if I had, but times 1,000 right now.

The past couple days I have been happy, and sad all at the same time. That mess will screw with your head.. I can't seem to get a grip on it. I see pregnant friends.. or friends with kids.. and it makes me smile so much, but at the same time, my heart is aching. I'm jealous too, why are they so lucky?

I want to talk about it.. but I don't know how, or noone wants to listen.. or they don't understand. What am I wanting to hear from them? Or do I want them to just say nothing and listen? The baby conversation comes up and I'll say we're not having any luck yet. The response I always get it "Well, you haven't been trying for long".. For some reason, that just bothers me. The person knows I've miscarried, and so what if we've only been "officially" trying for 4 months.. in the past 2 years we've had 3 forsure miscarriages, and possibly 2 others. I would rather not get pregnant at all than to go through a miscarriage.. again.

Maybe I need to let myself think about all these emotions and get it all out there.. maybe even a good cry, even that's hard for me to do. I keep myself so busy so that I have no time to think about it.. that the slightest bit of downtime, my mind is flooded with all sorts of questions, and what ifs.. etc.  I knew I should have went to bed an hour ago.. I could hardly keep my eyes open and now, here I am... with a flooded mind.

With this underway, I have found myself just wanting to stay home. I feel comfortable at home. I have fun when I go out with the girls, but I see their babies, or they talk about kids.. and those emotions start to come back. I'll be having fun, happy.. but on the inside, I'm being tortured. I find myself not engaging in conversations as much.. being more reserved at times... and those of you who know me on a personal level.. know that sometimes It's hard to shut me up! Don't get me wrong, I love talking about babies.. but under the circumstances, it kills me. Something that makes me so happy, is ripping me apart at the same time.

I'm going to the doctor in a few weeks. I'm hoping that he can ease my mind a little bit and maybe give me an insight to what's going on or what I can do.

I try to stay positive, and I tell myself this is in God's hands.. but I also find myself questioning God. I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I think "If now is not the right time, then why make me go through this so many times?". I feel like I'm almost at the point where I don't want to try anymore. That maybe I'm not meant to be a mommy. Ugh, that hurts.

Wow, I guess blogging does help some. Oddly enough, I feel like someone listened.. and I'm not really talking to anyone directly.. just typing to a screen.

Off to bed. Tomorrow is a whole New day. Christina, Just keep smiling.