Our Journey Home

The last time I updated my blog was June 25 with my letter to my son, Dear Cash William. I was still pregnant and was measuring 34 weeks. Little did I know that shortly after that post, I would meet my little boy. This blog is about our journey home. Trigger warning for Preemie and NICU moms. This will be a long post. 

On June 26th, I went to my OB for a followup and to have my blood pressure monitored. First, I had my weight checked. I was shocked to see I had gained nearly 30lbs in less than 2 weeks. I knew I had gained, but never would have imagined so much. My blood pressure was high when first checked. They opted to do a manual blood pressure reading and it read higher. I was sent to labor and delivery in hopes they could get my blood pressure down.

I was at the hospital for several hours being monitored. At first, they had no plans to keep me over night. They were getting my discharge papers for me and sending me home on strict bed rest. Then, as I got up to change out of the hospital gown, my blood pressure jumped to the 180's and I was admitted.

It was a miserable night. Every hour I was woke up for tests and monitoring. I started to have contractions, although I wasn't feeling them. My blood pressure was up and down all night, even when resting. The following afternoon, my doctor came in with the news I had severe preeclampsia. My protein shot up from 45 to 4500 in less than 2 weeks. Then, she told me I was being transferred to a hospital in Fresno that handles high risk, preterm, preeclampsia patients.

I was in the hospital for a few days. The goal was to keep me there, on strict bed-rest, for 2 weeks. Of course, this was totally dependent on my body and how much I could and was willing to push it. I was willing to stick it out far longer than the doctors ended up letting me. 

On Monday, June 29th, about 8PM PST, My blood pressure shot up to 188/110 while on medicine to lower my blood pressure. At the same time, my oxygen levels dropped. Both the blood pressure and oxygen monitor alarms went off and 2 nurses ran in. One of the nurses put an oxygen mask on me and as she was doing so, the doctor came in. He told me my liver and kidneys were showing stress and, at that point with my blood pressure jumping and oxygen levels diving, he had no choice. He told me he was going to have to take my baby by emergency c-section and it had to happen as fast as possible. I freaked out because my husband wasn't there. I had sent him home because I was feeling fine. Keyword, was. I asked the doctor if my husband had enough time to make it to the hospital, nearly an hour away. The doctor said, "Tell him to drive fast". My husband walked in as they were rolling me out to the operating room.

Leaving my hospital room and rolling to the operating room, I was scared to death. I was only 32 weeks, said to be measuring 34 weeks. What if he was only 32 weeks? I was terrified. NICU was unavoidable at this point, whether 32 or 34 weeks. I just wanted my little boy to be ok. I wanted to keep him in and let him grow more. But, that wasn't possible. My placenta was attacking my body.

My c-section wasn't pleasant. I had a rough stick with my spinal block and during surgery I could feel more than just pressure. I didn't really hurt, but I could feel pinching and pricks in my abdomen. On top of this, I felt like I couldn't breathe. My son was up in my ribs, so they had to push down to get him out. It's not like they just cut you open and pull the baby out. They push the baby to the hole in your stomach. The worst part of it all, is wondering if he was going to be ok when he came out. 

The 5 seconds I got to see my baby
While in the O.R.

When Cash William was pulled from my stomach, I literally felt empty. I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. All I could see was my husband to my left and what looked like a tarp over top of me. I couldn't see what they were doing and worst of all, I couldn't see my baby boy. Then, I heard him cry and I lost it. He was breathing. He was ok. My husband had to calm me down because I was sobbing so hard. The nurse brought him over to show me my baby boy. He was perfect. I didn't get to hold him. Only 5 seconds and he was taken out of the room to NICU. He was only 32 weeks and weighed 3 pounds, 14 ounces and measured 16 inches long. 

I was taken to recovery. I wasn't going to get to see my baby boy that night. Once NICU had Cash set up in his room, My husband was able to go in and see him for a bit. I however, didn't get to see him for 2 days. TWO DAYS. It was torture. I was on strict bed-rest due to my blood pressure, the magnesium I was on and intense swelling. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life.

Photo my husband took while
visiting with our son.

Thankfully, my husband went to NICU and sat with Cash. While there, he skyped me. He took tons of pictures for me on his phone too. Not only is it hard not getting to see your baby other than by phone.. It is even harder seeing your baby in an isolette with wires and tubes all over him. 

We had no guaranteed timeframe of how much time we were going to be making the NICU our second home. They told us to expect his due date, which wasn't until August 22.. could be earlier, could be later. 

The day I finally got to go see my son, my husband took me by wheel chair. I was still having blood pressure issues, severe swelling and was only taking Motrin for pain. Rolling down the hall and seeing the doors for the NICU, I was extremely nervous and scared. Of what? I'm really not sure. None of those feelings existed when I laid eyes on him. 

His doctor came by his room immediately when we came in.  She said Cash was doing well. He had been taken off of the oxygen at this point, yay! The steroid shots I received before my transfer to Fresno helped him SO much. He was so tiny. His doctor allowed us to do skin to skin and we were able to feed him the colostrum I pumped through a syringe. During his NICU stay, learning to eat was his biggest challenge. 

I was discharged from the hospital after a week. The same day I was discharged, Cash was moved to NICU II. I cried. I was happy he was moved a step up.. but tortured by the fact that he no longer had a room and I couldn't stay with him. We stayed until shift change and then we had to make our drive back to Lemoore. I cried walking away, I cried being rolled to the car and cried the entire way home. I felt like I was living a nightmare. 

Discharge day!

Every day, my husband and I made the drive to the NICU. Every day for 5 weeks. It was like a roller coaster where you're being drug by your ankles... and I never thought it was going to end.

We had set backs with digestive issues, Jaundice, Aspiration, and the length of time it was taking him to learn to eat. We were literally having to teach him how to eat. The day we were told we'd be discharged, they found a heart murmur and almost didn't release him. Thankfully, he was allowed to come home and we scheduled a follow up for his heart (All is well! He has a narrow valve and it'll either grow with him or he'll grow out of it!).

After NICU we had an ER visit via ambulance with a seizure-like episode. Little man has severe reflux. He still has the digestive issues, so he is off Neosure because it makes his reflux so so so much worse and is only strictly breastmilk.

This is the short version. I wanted to blog sooner, but I was a bit preoccupied. Cash is now 3 months old today! He left NICU weighing 5 pounds, 10 ounces and today, He weighs 10 pounds, 1 ounce! He's classified as a rapid gainer and will likely adjust by 12  months vs the 2 years expected! Woot! Grow Cash grow!

Our journey through pictures: 

Working on Answers

Many of you know my husband and I struggle with holding a pregnancy. We've been to the doctor a few times with no real answers. The entire time (just over 5 years) we lived in Virginia, we had 4 miscarriages. We had 2 others before that. During my medical visits in Virginia, all that was found is that my gallbladder and appendix sit to the side more than they are supposed to; nothing to be concerned with and no affect on me. I also found out that my cervix is tilted, meaning it can be harder for me to get pregnant but no cause for miscarriage. I left Virginia with no answers. Now that we are in California, we are working on answers, clear answers.

My first visit with my doctor on base was a success. I received more answers in that one day than I did the entire time in Virginia with civilian doctors. I found a doctor that seems to truly care about me getting pregnant and it being successful. We did, however, discover the problem, my uterus. Something so easy to discover and noone in Virginia saw it. How, I'm unsure because I could see it on the ultrasound. I have an unfortunate uterine anomaly. 

It's not clear how bad the anomaly is at this moment, but I should have more answers within the next week or so. I have an appointment scheduled with radiology to get more clear images. I either have what's called a septate uterus or a bicornate uterus. 

A septate uterus is when there is a wedge of fibrous tissue dividing the uterine cavity. Basically like it's pinched. A bicornate uterus is similar but much more severe and not correctable. My doctor said a septate uterus can be helped by "shaving" off the tissue that comes down, separating my uterus. Either of these are believed to be the culprit to my miscarriages. 

My doctor believes that I'm getting pregnant fairly easily and each pregnancy has been where it needs to be. However, my uterus isn't allowing the correct process. When I get pregnant, there are a couple things that are likely happening: 

• The egg is attaching to the fibrous tissue instead of my uterine wall. 
• The egg is attaching to the uterine wall, but the placenta is being cut off by the fibrous tissue. 

both causing early first trimester miscarriage. She said it is not impossible for me to hold a pregnancy, but it will be me continually trying and going through what I already have until things land where they are supposed to and my body doesn't work against me. Even with insemination, the risk is all the same. 

We also found out that I have a complex cyst on my right ovary. Thankfully, not likely anything to worry about, but we'll have more information on that after my appointment with radiology. 

So, we have a lot to think about, but there is so much relief just getting some answers. I'll keep posting as we continue down this journey.

It Works

So, I have been on this health kick for a bit now. At first, it was almost miserable. I felt like I was starving.

I started out by eating 90% Fruits and Veggies. I would have a smoothie for breakfast, which would contain both fruits and veggies. Then for lunch, I would have raw veggies and fruits- typically broccoli, carrots, an apple, grapes and sometimes an orange. For Dinner, I would do steamed veggies with a Turkey breast chop, Chicken breast or fish fillet.

I felt very hungry the first few days. I'm use to eating so heavily, my body was in shock. So, I snacked more with fruits and veggies and if I felt like I needed something more substantial, I would have a couple hard-boiled eggs.

I stayed on this routine for about a week and a half. I was out one night and by the time I was to get home, it was going to be later than I would prefer to cook or eat. So, I stopped for fast food. I considered it a "cheat night". And IT TASTED AMAZING! However, because my body had detoxed, I felt SO sick. I said I wouldn't do it again, but I did have another fast food cheat day and the same happened. So, I KNOW I'm doing good with this diet. And, even with some cheat days, my body feels amazing!

I feel like my body has finally adjusted to the drastic change in my eating habits. I no longer feel as if I'm starving all the time, but rather content. I still occasionally feel the need to snack, but it's good to snack between meals. So, I help myself to fruit and occasionally a hard-boiled egg (I love eggs if you haven't noticed). I'm implementing pistachios into what I allow into my snacking. If I can get on my running routine as I want, I will definitely need more protein in my diet.

I haven't been able to run like I would like to. I do not own a treadmill and prefer to run outside. Still no excuse on my part as I live only a couple minutes from base and have access to run on the track at the base gym (so, shame on me!). But I have noticed slight changes in my body.

My face has slimmed down some. I always notice a change in my cheeks first. My jaw structure and high cheek bones become more defined.
My love handles are fading. I'm very excited about this as it is one of my biggest issues I have with my body at the moment. They aren't completely gone, but I have noticed a change with love handles as well as my midsection as a whole. My jeans are fitting looser in the waist.
My thighs still need work. A lot of work. They are my number one concern as from my hip bones down, I'm built a little thicker. Tiny waist, bigger thighs and butt. Problem I'm having right now? My waist is slimming, lower regions have not. So, my jeans aren't real comfortable at the moment. But, that's ok. That's more drive to push myself.

My husband was in port recently and we were able to use FaceTime to video chat. He noticed. That has to be one of the most amazing feelings ever is knowing he notices even the slightest changes through video chat. Because he noticed, it is pushing me more to do this. He is my number one for motivation. Especially since he has been putting on a lot of muscle lately. I still have the drive to want to keep up with him.

The more I do better for my body, the more I notice some things peeve me a little. The "ItWorks" wraps. People just want a quick fix. Some people are just too lazy to do something for themselves when eating healthy can do SO much for your body (and honestly, how you feel about yourself and your mood). I'm seeing SO many military wives getting into this business, which is fine- go make some money. But it's sad to me that there are so many who look at this product as a Godsend, when it's only temporary. Do a real detox- eat healthy. This blog is called, "It Works" because my diet is a healthy way to do things and It does work.

I'm so curious as to if I have dropped weight or not, but I purposely do not own a scale. Weight is just a number that means nothing. You can be 150lbs and be overweight, underweight or the perfect size. There is too much to factor into it and I just want to be healthy and in shape. That number can bring me down and I won't let it because I don't care if I loose weight at all. I just want to tone up my "problem" areas and be a better me.

Tomorrow, rain or shine, I will go for a run. No more excuses for me.

We're Going Through Changes

I was bored with my old blogger layout. I thought it was time for an update seeing as it has been about a year or more since I updated the look of my blog.

I'm not quite done with it just yet, but I'm getting there.
Feedback is appreciated!

I will also be updating the Sponsor tab as my stats are SO much higher now. It's really neat to check up on my blog stats, but some times creepy seeing where some of the referrals come from as well as google search terms.  Also with my blog stats, I have found my blog was submitted to a top infertility blog site. While I think it's nice to see someone did this, I don't necessarily agree with it. I am not infertile. I can get pregnant no problem.

Changing subject.

I have several blogs running in my head. So many I find them getting mixed up in my head. I really need to start writing down my blog thoughts as I have them. I guarantee you I would have a blog post up every day, even if the post is very random thoughts.

I have started eating better, again. This time I plan to stick with it. I spent $98 on Fruits, Veggies, Chicken, Turkey and Fish yesterday. I'm VERY picky when it comes to fruits and veggies, but I forced myself to purchase all sorts of good stuff that I don't particularly care for. So far so good!

For Breakfast, I make smoothies. This is where the fruits and veggies I don't care for come into play. When I blend them in a smoothie, you can't taste it! You'd never know there was cabbage in it (Thank you VitaMix!)
For lunch, I try to stick with nothing but raw fruits and veggies. No meat or any dips or dressings. I will drink water or if I'm looking for a little something more, I'll grab some organic milk.
For dinner the past two nights I have made steamed broccoli, carrots and onions with baked turkey breast.
Snacks are small fruits, mainly grapes because I haven't stomached the courage to grab the berries yet. Yes, I do not like any berries. Sad, I know.

Oh how I love me some Turkey! I usually only eat it at holidays, but not anymore. It's in my regular eating routine now! I HATE onions, but found yesterday when I steam them, I really like them! I surprised myself (go me!). I attempted a cherry tomato tonight (gag) and well, I still don't like them. It's a texture issue. So, looks like I will be making a few different soups with them- completely liquidizing them just so I can say I ate tomatoes. Did I mention I'm determined? Yes, I am very motivated to stick with this.

So, what kicked my butt into high gear? My husband has been gone for 2 months and I saw a picture of him with his division. He left here weighing 175 pounds and wasn't much muscle (post and pre deployment laziness). I expected him to loose weight like crazy similar to last deployment, but I was wrong. He has been working out everyday and drinking protein.. my not so muscly husband is well.. all muscle right now and hasn't dropped weight. So, he's out there bulking up and getting in shape and I thought if he can do it on a ship, I have no excuse here at home.

So, Eating healthy plus getting back into a running routine, I plan to prove to myself I can do this. And when homecoming rolls around, I want his jaw to drop. It will happen.


And if I need any motivation, I watch this:

Source: youtube.com via Christina on Pinterest

 CLICK IT!

I have no excuses now. Watch the video, it will inspire you.

I Need You

Today wasn't the best "Deployment day" so to speak. Due to my health issue, I woke up not feeling well at all this morning. Probably one of the worst days I've had with chest pain and breathing- being winded. So, because of that, today was a required lazy day. I stayed in my PJs ALL day.

Because I wasn't feeling well, I was a bit moody today. I am just really over this whole something possibly being wrong with my heart mess. But my heart issue is separate from deployment and I don't blame it for being a bad deployment day.

The ship recently left port, and earlier this week- there was another man overboard and another Sailor who passed, both of which are two separate happenings. All the talk yesterday about the death was draining, I didn't so much let it affect me- but I just couldn't continue to listen and read all the speculations and rumors. It was all over facebook, in one on one talk, texting, email and messages. It just drains you. Can sometimes suck the positivity straight out of you. I just had to tune it out, for the betterment of myself.

Last night- I had a nightmare about my husband... I don't remember what happened, but I remember that it didn't end good. Fine, just a dream. It's OK. I suspect it had something to do with the recent sailor passing talk get to me some.

I get online to see that my husband's division's Facebook page had uploaded pics from Port. All was good until it stuck out to me that my husband wasn't wearing his wedding band. Being positively drained, feeling rough and tired.. I allowed my wondering thoughts to get the best of me.

Him not wearing that band lead to questioning him to myself. NEVER good. (of course you know I'm only blogging about this because all is ok.. and it's me being the idiot.)

Thankfully, I had a couple of amazing ladies that I vented to and I emailed my husband to ask about it.

Before I ever got mad, I KNOW I should have thought about it a little bit. My husband is a VERY forgetful man.. and I can't count how many times he's ran off from the house and left his wedding band on his bed side table or on the bathroom counter. On top of that.. He's not allowed/ supposed to wear it when he's working in his rate. Had I of thought rationally.. this wouldn't have been an issue. But of course- Yeah, I'm a dumbass.

Anyway, I emailed him and asked. Several hours later... all day had passed, he emailed back to explain that he had been keeping it in his pocket everyday while working until a little over a week ago when it fell out of his pocket and he almost never found it. Since then, it has been kept safe in his rack. When they ported, he realized he forgot his ring when he was already off the ship with his liberty partners.

I can't say that I blame him for not dragging his buddies back on the ship to get his ring.. however, I LOVE seeing that ring on his finger.

Everything added up today- just made today pretty much suck, but at the same time.. great because the email he sent me after that one was amazing an just what I needed to hear. You know, one of those really Sappy ones that went something like, "I love you baby and you’re the only one baby all I do is think about you every second that I'm out here. Its hard for us being away from each other and I miss you like crazy and I know you miss me like crazy baby. you’re the only girl I want. I need you baby. I don’t need anyone else except for you. I love you baby. Forever. I promise." 

Ok, yes, that was a copy and paste from his email. Yes, he says "baby" alot. You should see the "Lol"s and "haha"s in other emails.. maybe that'll be a different post for a different day- evidently everything is funny to my husband.

Have you ever noticed (for some) that you're ok if you don't get an email all day- and the days you're fine and are ok without one, are the days they get to email quite a bit, but the days that you have a question or "need" something.. those are the days you either don't hear from them or it's definitely not fast enough to calm your nerves? Maybe that's another post for another day. Yes I know that "question" was a horribly written run-on sentence, but I'm ok with that. 

 

Blob

It's new nearly 230am... And I'm wide awake, lying here in bed, paying on my phone.

When deployment started, one of my main goals was to get in shape. Now that I'm faced with a heart condition, I'm limited to what I can do. I wanted to start Insanity, but it's too much for my condition at the moment. I'm not allowed to go running like I would love to, or even jogging..sometimes merely walking across the room will make me winded... And it's not because I'm out of shape, it's something to do with whatever issue I have going on in this chest of mine. I've been trying to keep upbeat about everything, but this week it has had an effect on me.

I see how so many are doing just what I had wanted to do. I'm a bit jealous. I feel like I'm going to stand on the pier on homecoming and look like a blob.

I don't necessarily need to loose weight, I just wanted to tone up. I wanted my legs and butt to look like they did when I played soccer-kick ass. Not to mention, running helps me clear my head, and keeps me in a good mood.

My doctor has basically said I can't do any of that, no working out until they figure out what's going on... Leaving me to feel stuck inside all the time. I'm sure this yucky weather isn't helping much either. I'm ready for some sunshine.

I'm hoping the cardiologist figures something out this week so I can be released to exercise again.

Right now, my focus is going to be on eating better, cutting out all junk food, and putting in more fruit and veggies.

I might even try this 3 day detox I found on an adroid app.

Tomorrow, im starting on a healthy food kick.. and hopefully, the heart issue will get figured out shortly.