"You're Going Against God's Will"

Through mine and my husbands marriage, we've had many many people ask, "Do you have children?", "Why don't you have any children?", "Are you planning to have children?", etc.
Typically I can brush it off unaffected, but deep down it stings. It stings because many people don't know we struggle with holding a pregnancy.

This evening, I read a comment on a post to a popular blog that really got under my skin and raised my blood pressure a little bit. To someone who didn't have or maybe even want children, someone posted something along the lines of, "You're going against God's will", and another comment of, "Someone didn't get the memo of planting seeds and procreating".

To those people who said that, to those people who think that... here's a big middle finger to you.

It angers me so much that I can't think clearly on what to write or put into words everything flooding my mind. It takes me back several years ago when someone commented on my blog with, "Maybe God doesn't want you to have a child.", followed by, "Maybe God thinks you will take a child for granted.". All those emotions... all the anger is surfacing again.

I believe God has a plan for everyone. And I am 100% positive it isn't going against God's will if you don't have children. Some of us don't even have the option, Why? Because right now, God has a different plan for us- whether it be to wait, adopt, foster, etc. It's no place for you to belittle nor place judgement of someone who chooses not to, who chooses to wait or can't.

I may be over reacting, I may be just a little touchy on the matter.. but if you have been through what I have even once, you understand what I'm feeling reading that.

Learning to Hit the Curve

Browsing Facebook today made me realize it has been one year since this most recent deployment ended. Now, I find myself looking back on all the events of the past year. Needless to say, it has been a crazy year. 

There have been a lot of good times, but there has been many hard times. 

When you get married, you think about your happily ever after and want everything to be perfect. Well, life throws curve balls and sometimes you feel like you are continuously striking out. 

You know when he comes home from deployment there will be an adjustment period. You go through the lovey-dovey phase, then the cramped phase with a little bickering, and then it all levels out. At least, this is what I expected this go 'round; these were the phases we went through every other time. 

It's been a hard year, but I'm learning how to hit this damn curve ball. 

I knew my husband had a dependency on alcohol early on into our marriage, maybe even before we were married. For the most part before this recent deployment I ignored it. Maybe not ignored it, but I kept telling myself it was a phase he'd grow out of. I was lying to myself, and he was lying to himself when he said he didn't have a problem. 

Deployment 2012, my husband came home with a full blown addiction to alcohol. For at least 2 weeks after he came home, I never saw him sober. I'd come home from work to him drunk and I'd wake up in the morning to him still buzzed. Alcohol controlled my marriage. Honestly, I look back and think, "How did I get through those 2 months after deployment?". By far, being married to someone who has an addiction is the most challenging thing I have ever had to face. I never want to live those days over. 

I'm still swinging. 

As much as some days have made me want to throw my bat down and give up, I'm no quitter. Do I deserve some of the stuff I've been through this past year? Of course not. But, it's a challenge I accept because I know who my husband is and I know my husband is not defined by alcohol. Our marriage is not defined by alcohol. He is a better person for all this year has put us through. I am a stronger person. I feel this has taught us it's going to take a lot more to break us. 

We are still learning how to deal with everything. Every swing, we get a little closer to getting a solid hit on life's big curves.

No one can prepare you for what life is going to throw at you. You just have to keep swinging. 

Photo captured by Cocoa Bean Photography,
USS Enterprise homecoming November 4, 2012

Change of Pace

As many of you know, my journey has been a little on the chaotic side for about a year now. It seems most of 2013 has been full of challenge after challenge. Needless to say, I'm counting down to 2014 (about 100 days!) and to what I'm going to make a much better year.

My husband met his new command in July. We are still adjusting to the change of pace- but as you know with military life, once you're adjusted, something changes again. Squadron life for him, and even for me as his spouse is much different... and I like it. It's quiet. With the exception of 2-3 guys in his shop, everyone is single, so I haven't met anyone in his shop. He went in and in introduction put it out there that he is a recovering alcoholic and he said it really seems like everyone respects his decision. Occasionally they ask questions, but it's never pressuring him to drink, drinking around him, asking him to be a designated driver, or telling him they don't think he has a drinking problem. That's the biggest change I've noticed, and he has too. He's happier because the people around him respect his choices.

I haven't reached out to the FRG, and do not plan to at this point. I've received mail from FRG and it said something about consider running for an FRG position (assuming this was a general letter sent out to everyone), but my husband and I laughed and said no. I don't have time even if I wanted to right now between working at my "day job" and running my photography business, I don't sleep as it is.

We've been in Virginia for just over 4 years now. Even though we aren't moving for this new set of orders, and he was just sent him to a different base here, it's a noticeable change from an Aircraft carrier to a Squadron. I think I like it more than he does, but that's only because He works more and harder now than while he was with the Big E during the starting of the decommissioning.

The orders he received are only temporary. He'll be picking again soon for shore duty. We're unsure where it will take him for his job and us as a family. He looked at the options recently and if the options don't change, we'll be heading to Keywest, Cali or Japan. I can already tell you now, Japan won't be chosen by him because we made an agreement before he joined, that as long as Roo is alive, if he has to go overseas, we would geo-bachelor and I would stay here with our Dog-ter. It's complicated moving with a pit bull (banned in housing, some cities, etc), but we took on the responsibility to raise her, and she's not something we will just give away. It's a hard decision, but it was something we decided before he enlisted.

Friday, September 27th, we will be celebrating our 5 year anniversary. It's insane how fast time goes. This 5 years is proof that marriages can work if you work together and work on communication.

Send My Service Member a Care Package- Winner!

****UPDATED WINNER DUE TO NO RESPONSE****

Thank you to everyone who entered the Care Package giveaway. There were nearly 400 entries when the giveaway ended on August 31st. However, when going through the entries, I realized that there were a lot of false entries and after removing all of the entries of which were not legit, there were just under 300. I was sad at first, but now that I think about it, removing those who cheated, gave a greater chance for those who entered correctly to win. There's always a positive in every negative situation. 

My husband and I made a trip out Sunday to buy a few things for the Care Package yesterday. So far, there are a lot  of fun goodies and snacks to send. And, My husband has been begging to play with a few of the fun kid stuff we got and I caught him sneaking a couple of the snacks.. so Looks like I'll have to make another trip out, without him, and I'll be sure to hide the stuff from him this time. Men, they are always big kids. Be a Kid Again Box, Perfect theme right? Thought so.

Any who.. 

We have a NEW winner :D

Kristin ANDREA, I have contacted you about where to send the box as well as give you the option to type a note I can print for your Service member.  :)

My husband and I had fun shopping for care package stuff. SO, we've decided we'll be doing another in the near future. Maybe football? hmm...

Oh the options.

When I complete the box this week, and get it sent, I will blog the box as well as add it to the Care Package list.

Congratulations Kristin ANDREA! I hope your service member enjoys the "Be A Kid Again" box as much as my husband and his division did. 

Heart Strings

Image from http://www.smittenby.net

Lately, the thought of adoption has been tugging at my heart strings a little bit. When I was 16, I always said I didn't want to have kids of my own, I only wanted to adopt. As I grew older, my want to adopt never changed, but the want to become pregnant and carry weighs heavy on my heart.

My husband wants children and wants to try without adopting first. After 5 years of marriage, and 6 miscarriages faced in the time we've been together, I feel like something is telling me maybe adopting is what I'm supposed to do.

With every miscarriage, there has always been someone to say, "Maybe now is not the right time". But there is never a wrong time, in my opinion. To bring a baby into the world when 2 people want it so badly and without a shadow of a doubt, would provide the best life they possibly could for the child, and love the child more than anything in the world... what's wrong with that?

Yes, the past year has been hell trying to help my husband fight his addiction and yes, there's a long road ahead of us. But the addiction is something he will have to battle for the rest of his life, it is a disease you learn to work through. You are never cured. But it does get easier to manage and live with.

I start thinking about how amazing adopting would be. I think of how scary it would be and, unfortunately, how much it would cost us. But any amount of money would be worth it to me to give a child a loving home, and fill the hole in mine and my husband's hearts. I've been doing research and I'm finding some assistance, thankfully.

I found the military will give $2000 in adoption assistance, of course, there are rules to it- ones I would be more than happy to adhere to. I also found out that my job gives up to $5000 in assistance. Knowing this, pushes me more toward it; I feel like it is more of something telling me this is what I'm supposed to do.

Within the past year, I was accepted into the Red Thread Sessions program as a volunteer to photograph newly adopting families. It was always a program I admired, and had so much respect for. It's something I feel strongly about. The more photographs I see from Red Thread Sessions, my heart just fills. I've grown a passion for adopting. Again, something feeding my want to adopt.

Early in July, I found out I was pregnant. With my past history of miscarriages, I was terrified and I made a doctor's appointment for the 1st available date. A few days went by and I went to the doctor, where they did a blood test to confirm pregnancy, and wouldn't know the results until the next day. My worry increased with my results. The nurse who called with my results said, "Your HCG levels are not high enough for us to medically consider you pregnant. It could be extremely early in your pregnancy, but we need to wait a few days and see if you start your cycle.". In other words, "You may be pregnant and everything is ok, just early, or you are losing your baby". July 15th, is the day I started to miscarry and July 16th, my miscarriage was confirmed. I was 5-6 weeks along. I feel anxiety just thinking about it. Each one has affected me differently both emotionally and physically. While I'm hurt and absolutely heart broken, I feel a sense of calmness. The week of my miscarriage, I had dreams. Each dream was happy, and about baby #6. Out of all my miscarriages, never once did I have a sense of the gender of the baby, but for some reason, I new 6 was a girl, and she had her daddy's blue eyes, and my dimples. Whether that would be true or not, It comforts me to think it.

The story doesn't really relate to adoption, but it's one of those things that keeps me divided on my decision. Adopt, or keep trying and possibly face more heart break. I was only a few weeks into my pregnancy, and I already had such a strong sense of connection to my child. I worry with adoption, would I have that same connection? One can hope so, but it is something I completely fight with myself over and I believe my husband does as well. What if we adopt and eventually are able to have a biological child, would the connection or feelings be different? I know it might sound silly, or I might be looked at badly for even asking such questions, but it's a very real worry for me. I know without a shadow of a doubt I'd love the child, and the child would be mine. But I can't help but wonder, would the feelings be slightly different? When talking with people about adopting, of course people with no knowledge of what it's like with an adopted child, they've always commented it wouldn't be the same.

I know I over think things. It's just how I am. But with such a huge decision, I need to know what to expect.

Ever want something so bad, but the what ifs keep you held back? I feel like that's where I'm at right now.

Send a Care Package to My Service Member!

***UPDATE*** If the giveaway reaches 1,000 entries, 2 people will win their service member a care package!

I've been MIA for a while now. There have been lots of changes over the past couple months and I've been so busy I haven't had much time for blogging. Any time I have spent on the computer, was spent editing and answering email regarding my photography business. Sometimes it is nice to step back and take a break from your "normal". You can then remember why you (well for me) loved writing so much, why you started this blog, your goals and the positives. Ah, the positives, my blog has been rather negative lately.

So, to get back to where I need and want to be, I have decided to offer a giveaway.

I've become known, among my friends and many people I don't know, for my crazy-fun care packages. I've been known to drop a pretty penny on making my care packages (ahem, Zombie box...). I have documented some of my favorites and blogged about them, but there are many I never even spoke of, and never snapped a photo of. If I could go back, I'd document them all.

One of my favorites, as well as my husband's division, was a Be a Kid again box. I didn't get one photo from the making of that box.

SO, I have decided to put together a giveaway and the winner's deployed service member will receive a Be a Kid Again box from me! :D

Shhh... don't tell my husband. He will be jealous.

Inside you will find fun little things that remind me of my childhood. No worries, if your service member is a male, He won't receive a barbie ;)
Everything in the box will be small, fun and likely have his or her division/ command/ troop.. whatever, playing with it too. I might include some snacks too ;)

And of course, I'll stick with my usual- Duct tape and Paint Pens to decorate. A Journey of a Navy Wife care package wouldn't  be the same without it.

The Giveaway will end on August 31st at 1159AM Eastern time.


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Never Say Never

The past few months have been challenging and crazy to say the least. So many changes and adjustments have been made and are still being made. I never saw myself going through this.

Crazy enough, I feel like I'd rather deal with another back to back deployment vs. his alcohol addiction. I guess because during deployment I didn't have to deal with it; before this most recent deployment his addiction was tolerable.

I always said I'd never be married or stay with someone who has an addiction; Never say never, right? Looking back, I felt like I was very judgmental because I hadn't the slightest clue what it was like or the emotions involved. I was young, dumb and knew nothing about love or truly helping someone. Now, I'm the one feeling judged.

The judgments no longer bother me so much. My husband, however, feels like everyone he knows judges him. He even feels as if I judge him. Because of this, he bottles everything up, which recently caused a relapse, a moment very scary for me (I'm sure for him too). It is emotionally draining. I just wish he'd see we all support him. I knew at some point it could/ would happen, I just never saw it coming this soon.

He wants to stop. He feels it controls him and he feels alone. I don't understand the nightmare from his point of view, I doubt I ever can nor do I want to fully (assuming I'd have to be where he is to "get it"). Because I don't understand it from his perspective, he isn't able (feels like he can't) talk to me. He's too shy to speak up at meetings, but he said he's getting better about talking one-on-one before and after the meetings.

When he's around people, he has the want to be better and feels like he has something to prove; The urge isn't there. When I'm at work and he's home alone, he wants to drink. He needs his mind distracted at all times. He worries he'll never get better some days. He fights this evil within him that continually says, "Go buy a drink".

I wake up every.single.day worried for relapse. It's not about trust, because I do trust him, but it's a constant battle and will be for the rest of our lives. A never-ending nightmare.

Through all of this, even though many days I feel alone, I'm finding this is very common and unfortunate with so many service members or their family. Sometimes the issue starts before the military (like with my husband) or after they join with all the stress the military life can bring. I feel like alcohol abuse is a huge epidemic in our country and is somehow being made acceptable. It shouldn't be. I don't want to say I'm anti-alcohol.. hell, I'll say it.. I'm anti-alcohol. Alcohol is a drug, it's addictive, very. My Uncle who died when I was 7-8 years old, people in my family and my husband are proof that it is addictive and is a constant battle to fight with once addicted. Thankfully, I have never cared for alcohol and for some reason I feel as if God had this in the books for me all along. I've lost too many important people in my life because of alcohol, I'm here to help heal my husband.

My husband started to drink socially. It would bring him out of his box; he wasn't shy with it. Alcohol would relax him. His problems didn't seem like problems when he'd drink, but little did he realize they only intensified his problems and sometimes made him a very angry and mean drunk. He honestly felt like alcohol was the only thing that understood him at times. He didn't see how a drink could affect his mood for days- sober. Unfortunately, My husband is not alone in this.

I read a letter he wrote to alcohol in Rehab. It put my stomach in knots. I didn't understand the relationship he had with different beers and liquors. It was honestly like they were his best friends. I honestly can't explain how his letter was written or even how it affected me. It was scary. Then, I read the letter he wrote to me in rehab (these for assignments, not intended for me). I cried. The events of Christmas Eve scared him so much. I honestly didn't know exactly how that night made him feel until I read the letter. It was exactly what I've been needing him to say to me, but he isn't able to talk about things yet and may not ever be able to.

Point is, If you're going through this, you're not alone. Don't be afraid to be judged because it feels so much better when you're able to talk about everything. YOU'RE NOT ALONE. Repeat that to yourself every single day. Find someone who understands and talk to them. If you're like me and my husband, find someone you don't know well and talk to them. Trust me, it helps. I've been talking to several readers of this blog through email, Facebook as well as connecting with people on Instagram and Twitter to talk to. Talk about it. Please don't bottle it up.

Worthy as Our Daughters- My Military Mom

The other day I was talking to a good friend. Someone whom she trusted had taken had convinced her to do something against her better judgment. She would have never done it on her own but he knew which buttons to push and leveraged the situation to his advantage.

My friend was angry with him but also, and perhaps more, upset with herself. I couldn't see where she could find fault in herself. He had known so much about her and had been a trusted friend for so long that anyone might have made the same choices in her position.

I've noticed that women are more apt than men to take on more of their fair share of blame.  It’s sometimes why we stay in emotionally, physically or financially abusive relationships far longer than we should. It’s sometimes why we accept less than we deserve at our jobs and in our families. It’s why women account for most of the self-help book purchases.

“When a woman has a problem, she immediately blames herself” said BJ Gallagher, an author and genders studies expert, in a Forbes’ article.

I do this all the time. There’s a continuous nagging voice lecturing me. “well if you’d only done this better“, or if you had just thought to do that“, or the old standby, “it’s all your fault”.

I’m so fed up with this constant self-flagellation, it’s exhausting and emotionally draining to be constantly turning blame back on myself.

I finally asked myself, what would I tell my daughters if one of them were in my shoes? I would never read to them the script that goes through my own head. If they were in the exact same position as I, I would never assign nearly the same amount of blame to them that I do to myself.

If we women could see ourselves as precious and as wonderful as some of the children we love the most (it doesn't have to be your own daughter) we could free up so much anguish and pain.

So, to my cyber friends, I promise I’ll try to give myself a break if you will too. The next time we start our self-blaming script let’s remember that we are as worthy as our daughters.

Cay Smith writes the blog MyMilitaryMom.com
She is one bad mama-jama Army wife who tells it like it is. 
Check her out on:
Facebook  Twitter Pinterest
Let her know you found her through thejourneyofanavywife.com and be sure to keep coming back as MyMilitaryMom.com will be a regular guest blogger!

thredUP April discount

Sara, a Navy wife and mother, emailed me an awesome deal for my followers!

In honor of military children this April, thredUP is offering thejourneyofanavywife.com readers with a special 20% discount!
thredUP is an online kid's consignment shop with stylish "like new" items from popular brands like Gymboree, Tea and OshKosh! Prices start at just $3.99!

So, stretch your dollar and stock up with this awesome deal!

 Get 20% off your next purchase on thredUP by using promo code: APRILKIDS at checkout.

 *Offer is one time use only.  Expires 4/30/13. Cannot be combined with any other offer.  

Personally, I have not used thredUP, but I will be doing a review with/ of them soon!

Enjoy!

Guest Post- MyMilitaryMom.com

We can easily lose our independence being married to the military. Our lives, our jobs, our finances and even where we live are suddenly and almost solely dictated by our spouses’ career. Slowly and subconsciously we begin to refer to each other as the wives or husbands of Sgt. So-and-So or Capt. What’s-His-Face. We date major life changes by what duty station we were at when they happened. Even our primary form of identification refers to us as “dependent.”

We can easily fall into a pattern where the people we shop, eat, exercise, live, and hang out with are almost exclusively associated with the military. It begins to seem as though our entire identities, schedules and lives are dictated by the whims of the Pentagon.

I didn't realize this had happened to me until I found myself crying on the floor of my closet on the phone with my mother blubbering, “I could have been somebody!” My wants and needs had been overtaken by those of the Army for so long that I no longer knew what they were.

I did eventually find out who I was within this self-contained world of the military but it took me years. I first tried to stuff myself into it, then I tried to distance myself from it, nothing worked until I realized that I needed to find what made me happy, what made me want to get out of bed in the morning independent of whatever the Army needed or wanted from my family.

Of course, military spouses aren't the only people prone to losing our independence or sense of self but I think we are probably more at risk than almost any other group. It is important that we acknowledge the potential for disaster and find ways to mitigate the problem as early as possible.

I always encourage newbies coming into the military family to immediately find something that is theirs and has absolutely nothing to do with their spouse’s jobs. Learn a new skill or language at every new duty station, pursue a transferable career (real estate is a popular choice), start an online business, or whatever else appeals to their sensibilities; claim something for themselves. Having our own pursuits helps to keep us sane and is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves and our families.

Cay Smith writes the blog MyMilitaryMom.com
She is one bad mama-jama Army wife who tells it like it is. 
Check her out on:
Facebook  Twitter Pinterest
Let her know you found her through thejourneyofanavywife.com and be sure to keep coming back as MyMilitaryMom.com will be a regular guest blogger!