Learning to Hit the Curve

Browsing Facebook today made me realize it has been one year since this most recent deployment ended. Now, I find myself looking back on all the events of the past year. Needless to say, it has been a crazy year. 

There have been a lot of good times, but there has been many hard times. 

When you get married, you think about your happily ever after and want everything to be perfect. Well, life throws curve balls and sometimes you feel like you are continuously striking out. 

You know when he comes home from deployment there will be an adjustment period. You go through the lovey-dovey phase, then the cramped phase with a little bickering, and then it all levels out. At least, this is what I expected this go 'round; these were the phases we went through every other time. 

It's been a hard year, but I'm learning how to hit this damn curve ball. 

I knew my husband had a dependency on alcohol early on into our marriage, maybe even before we were married. For the most part before this recent deployment I ignored it. Maybe not ignored it, but I kept telling myself it was a phase he'd grow out of. I was lying to myself, and he was lying to himself when he said he didn't have a problem. 

Deployment 2012, my husband came home with a full blown addiction to alcohol. For at least 2 weeks after he came home, I never saw him sober. I'd come home from work to him drunk and I'd wake up in the morning to him still buzzed. Alcohol controlled my marriage. Honestly, I look back and think, "How did I get through those 2 months after deployment?". By far, being married to someone who has an addiction is the most challenging thing I have ever had to face. I never want to live those days over. 

I'm still swinging. 

As much as some days have made me want to throw my bat down and give up, I'm no quitter. Do I deserve some of the stuff I've been through this past year? Of course not. But, it's a challenge I accept because I know who my husband is and I know my husband is not defined by alcohol. Our marriage is not defined by alcohol. He is a better person for all this year has put us through. I am a stronger person. I feel this has taught us it's going to take a lot more to break us. 

We are still learning how to deal with everything. Every swing, we get a little closer to getting a solid hit on life's big curves.

No one can prepare you for what life is going to throw at you. You just have to keep swinging. 

Photo captured by Cocoa Bean Photography,
USS Enterprise homecoming November 4, 2012

State of Adjustment

As many of you may know, homecoming was more than 3 weeks ago. I've been slacking on posting! We are slowly working our was out of the adjustment phase. You know, the one where I wince at the huge pile of laundry brought home from the boat, where I wake up in the middle of the night because he stole all the blankets or I have an elbow in between my shoulders, having to walk behind him to turn out lights- or having to turn on lights because it's like he's been living in a bat cave for months!... etc. It's awesome having him home, don't get me wrong, but it is an adjustment.. for both of us. The first couple weeks you just want to spend every second of the day with them and you sometimes smother them or the other way around. We are guilty of it. Communication is sometimes another adjustment. We are so use to talking very little and only through email that we sometimes find the room very quiet or not having anything to say. For me, personally, I'm trying to figure out a schedule. I work 30 hours a week at a credit union, plus run my own business and trying to make sure my husband and I get the time we need together while not fully exhausting myself is a bit of a juggling act. I figure I'll get it all figured out sometime soon. I'm taking most of December off from the photography so I can get some relaxing time in. He and I have decided to do a weekend away after the first of the year. I made sure to tell him a large jetted tub is required wherever we stay. He agreed. He was very tense and stressed when he came home. Honestly, I thought It was me and he kept saying there was nothing wrong. However, after more than 5 years with him, I can tell he was stressed. Then, I figured it out. The quotas were coming out and he was stressing over making rank. The quotas were high, which got me excited for him because I knew he put a lot into it all this deployment. Then, the results came out. We stared obsessively at the computer screen, refreshing often as we waited for his rate and the rank he was up for to be released. He pulled it up and was searching for names he knew and I looked at him and said, "Forget the other guys right now, let's find your name!". It made me think he doubted himself. He scrolled down, "I made it!". In that moment, all the stress rolled off his shoulders and he was a different man. Much more relaxed and he was talking more, laughing.. everything was back to the pre-deployment normal. Thank you, Jesus! Now, we.. well, mainly ME, are stressing over new orders. With the Big E decomming, everyone is receiving new orders. He has been told, verbally, he is going to shore duty. When? Sometime around April. Where? Not a clue. So, we wait. The waiting/ last minute moves is one thing that I struggle with with his job. I like planning and knowing what's going to happen. And as many of us know- their jobs make our lifestyle very spontaneous sometimes. One thing is for sure- it'll never get boring. Anyway, back to homecoming. November 4th, my husband came home. Monica from Cocoa Bean Photography was able to capture our big day for us again. I can't wait to see the images! I loved ours from Last year, and I'm super excited to see these! He called me from the flight deck, "I see you, look up.". I do believe my heart skipped a beat when I saw him. I was SO excited! It took a while for him to come off. Oh the life of having a husband on a Carrier- you really learn to wait sometimes! My husband came off the ship a little lighter than when he left, but with a bigger chest and shoulders. AND with a mustache. Go figure, lol. I looked to my left and did a double take. My husband was walking toward me. I can't remember if I ran to him or walked really fast.. It's all a blur. I just remember his arms around me, and feeling like there was noone else on the pier but the two of us. I remember my heart racing and how perfect that moment felt. This deployment started out very hard for us with loosing another baby just after he left and not even knowing I was pregnant until I was being told I was miscarrying. It was very hard on both of us. We still haven't really sat down and talked about it. It's hard for him to really say how it affects him. But I know how bad it hurts him, so I'll let him talk about it in his own time. He's home, we're adjusting and the journey continues. "I think I'm constantly in a state of adjustment." -Patti Smith

Perfect

Four years ago this week, I was panicking, stressing and extremely nervous. On top of that, I was extremely excited. Four years ago,  I was only days away from marrying the most perfect man.

Fast forward to four years later, today, and I'm feeling those same emotions- but not for a wedding, and I'm not stressing over my anniversary, but I am stressing about homecoming. It creeps up on you and you wonder where all the time has went and how come your to-do list isn't done yet. Thoughts like, "Has he changed?", "Will he look at me different?", "Will he love me the same?", "I just want everything to be perfect" and more sometimes go through your head.

The most stressful parts to a deployment, to me, are the time leading up to him actually leaving, the final countdown to homecoming and then about a month after they've been home. There's a lot of adjusting, preparing, worrying, stressing, excitement, etc. Did I mention adjusting?

That's one thing about this lifestyle you either learn to love, or you learn to hate- in my opinion. Luckily, I thrive under pressure, even if I don't always like it. I get things done and get them done damn near perfect. It's the perfectionist in me. I want everything perfect. But let's face it, nothing is perfect. But, you make them perfect in their own little way.

Like my husband says, "Everything will be perfect, just being home with you is perfect.".

Perfectly said.

This is the time I have to remind myself to breathe, to relax while at the same time.. I'm telling myself to hustle, get busy and get things done. I fight with myself a lot on that.

This week, I have a lot to do. But, I'm going to make sure I take time this Thursday, September 27th and stop and do nothing but have fun. September 27th marks my 4 year anniversary to my perfect husband. He's not perfect, neither am I, but he is the perfect one for me.

I Just Keep on Going, and Going, and Going..

I'm now at that time in deployment where my "to-do" list is far longer than the "days left". It's sad. 

Yes. My to-do list IS that long. 

With the amount of rain Hampton Roads has been getting lately, many of my outdoor projects have been halted. 

Now, I'm trying to prioritize and I'm working hard at not stressing myself out.

This is the hardest part of deployment, for me... Conquering my "list". Remember months ago when I said I always put more on my Deployment To-do list than I have time to complete? I wasn't kidding.

I still have 2 1/2 rooms to paint (bathroom is 1/2 done), table to refinish, patio to complete, fence and shed to install and those are just a few of the important things on my list. And guess what?! I only have XX [insert some relatively low number here, but one that isn't low enough to pee my pants with excitement] days left!

Am I stressing yet? eh, borderline. 

I'm not quite stressing, but I'm getting there. Between working the part time job, full time with my photography, Promo jobs as I can score them... I haven't been giving myself a day off. 

I did this to myself last deployment. I made myself completely mad at myself because I made my list a mile long and continued to add to it- and, of course, I wasn't able to complete it. Deployment number 2 is no different. My list is 2 miles long and I've added at least 50 (it seems) things to the already ginormous list.

Why do I make my list so long? I like to be busy. I do not stop. I AM the Energizer Bunny. I just keep on going. Granted last week, and the 2 weeks before that, I was sick and I just stopped and slept ever second I could, when I wasn't working. So, because I was sick, I feel I am slightly more behind and overdrive needs to kick in. Although, I feel as if I was already in overdrive.. 

I like to physically and mentally exhaust myself. I work well under pressure and even when stressed. Probably not good for my heart.. but I've always been this way and I don't think it is something I can easily change.

So, this week's goal(s): Finish painting bathroom, Paint bedroom Hang new curtains in bedroom, paint office,   hang curtains in office, Make one huge Goodwill run and put a lot of "junk" on the curb for trash pickup. 

I think that's plenty to put on my plate for the week considering I have 3 days to work the part time job and 3 sessions this week, plus 2 to finish editing. 

But when I want a day off, I am rewarded in many ways.. Like this awesome session:

See, who could have a bad day with such adorable little boys in it? Not me. He was precious! 

Today's agenda? Work. Photography. Paint.

Emotions, Projects and Homecoming- Oh My!

We are more than halfway through deployment. How exciting right? I'm extremely excited.

Yesterday, I had the honor of photographing the USS Arleigh Burke homecoming for a client. Homecomings are SO exciting- especially when you know that in a few short months you will be where she is, waiting on him to walk to you (or you run to him) and the camera turned on you. Photographing homecomings is one of the most rewarding parts to my job. So much emotion and excitement.. sometimes, even tears (on my part too!).

I am now nearing the point where I might feel a little stress. We are on the home stretch and I'm determined to finish my to-do list. As I have mentioned in a previous blog, I'm notorious for making my list of goals and things to achieve far longer than I have time to complete them in. AND, sometimes things happen to change your schedule or add more must-do's to the to-do list (like having to cut out a tree and then buy a new shed, etc!).

I feel like my list is a mile long and I'm getting nowhere with it.

I just keep telling myself, "The day he comes home, he's not going to notice anything you have done to or around the house. He's just going to be glad to be home!". Although, he might notice the love seat is gone.. Oops!

Now, I'm at the point of prioritizing my list, and the "big" projects I was going to do, will now become projects WE are going to do together. I haven't told him that just yet- so, here's hoping!

In a few months, none of this will matter. I will be waiting on the pier to welcome him home and for my heart to be completed. It's at that very moment when the world stops and all that matters is that very moment. It's that moment when you know that the month's apart were worth it. Shaking, scared, excited, nervous and maybe a little nauseous- full of so many feelings, all leading to that one moment when you see him walking to you. It's all worth it.

But for now, my ass is kicking in overdrive!

I have to finish the back yard (have the shed and fence installed, patio, hammock, grass, etc), re-do our bedroom, finish my office, Find curtains for a couple rooms and put them up, organize, organize and more organizing- the list is about a mile long. I have LOTS of painting projects to start. I need to get busy!

Today= Project day!

Now I will leave you some Arleigh Burke homecoming sneaks :)

This was their first deployment, and the first time they had seen the ship in 6 months.
They were extremely excited and fighting tears. 

 

The moment that the world stops and nothing matters anymore.
He's home, he's safe  and you feel complete again. 

Been There, Done That, Got the Tshirt!

As some of you know, my husband is now home. The USS Enterprise is home from their 6 month deployment {cheers!}.

I was going to attempt to blog the day of homecoming-while waiting. Obviously, blogging was the last thing on my mind the day of. Too much excitement. I was nervous, anxious, and shakey from being so excited  (some can be attributed to  forgetting to eat that morning.)!

He flew in 2 days earlier than the ship came in. I never imagined I would be as nervous as I was. Seeing the plane land, my heart started pounding. When I saw them stepping off that plane, no words can describe my excitement and how nervous I was. I wanted to run to the plane, but of course, that wasn't permitted. Seeing him walking toward me, I felt as if we were the only 2 people outside.

All I can remember is being so excited. I also remember thinking about how much weight he looked like he had lost, then back to being completely excited.

When he was close to me, I ran to him. Seeing him smile, then feeling his arms around me, hugging me.. all my questions, fear and nervousness disappeared. Nothing had changed. People say service members come back different, they change. They don't always change. They see things, do things that may have an effect on them, but it doesn't necessarily change them. My husband is the same man I married almost 3 years ago.

Things are great, it's as if the past 6 months were nonexistent.

Just a tip, don't set your expectations too high, don't expect too much from him. You know your loved one better than anyone else. When someone tells you to expect several things, such as change, how they will act, things they will do or will not do.. Take it with a grain of salt. You could be expecting too much, you could be setting yourself up to be disappointed. I believe this is why there are do many fights after homecoming.

Just enjoy your time with them.

Deployment number one down. Been there, done that.. And I didn't need a xxanax


Photo credit by Cocoa Bean Photography
Link to her Facebook fan page: http://www.facebook.com/CocoaBeanPhoto

Twas The Night Before Homecoming...

Tomorrow my husband is flying in. I can't describe all the emotions running through my body at this very moment. I'm anxious, nervous, excited, and even a bit scared.

You can't help but wonder what has changed. Has he changed? Have You changed? You become more independent, you learn to do everything you did with them, alone. Things have changed. You wonder how those changes will make a diference in life after homecoming. Will things just pick up where they left off? Will things be hard? Will things be better than before deployment? Will he like decisions you've made (with me, will he like our house?)? Etc. It can be scary and at the same time, exciting.

And boy am I ever anxious! Seems like tonight's clock is standing still. It's almost nauseating being wide awake, feeling that hours have passed and in reality, less than 30 minutes have went by.

I've never been so excited! Ok, other than my wedding day, I've never been this excited. I feel like a little kid again and i feel like Christmas day is tomorrow. Santa is surely granting my Christmas wish early!

I'm extremely nervous. I feel like I'm preparing for a blind date.. or just a date at that! I am in a "new" relationship again and again with my husband. These butterflies are going wild!

Tomorrow is extra special for us. Not only is my husband coming home, he's coming home 3 years to the date he proposed to me. July 13, 2008 is when he proposed (married September, 27, 2008) to me. July 13, 2011 is when he's coming home to me. That just makes it extra exciting... and even more that he remembered it.

It's the end of the Journey for Deployment number one, now we prepare for being completed again to prepare for deployment number two.

Six months too long, but these two hearts stayed strong.

One Day and a Wake Up!

It is officially homecoming week for the USS Enterprise! Meaning, my husband will be home soon!

The ship will be home Friday. My husband is flying in 2 days early to make room for the Tiger Cruise (he decided to do this because he got pegged for pull-in duty).

So, that means I have ONE day and then I WAKE UP to go pick up my husband!

Who is Kid in a candy store excited? That's right. ME!

The past week has bee extremely stressful for me. I am officially moved into OUR new house. Boxes are everywhere. I still want everything perfect, so.. I'm pretty sure tonight will be an all nighter with lots and lots of COFFEE!

I had to take our new kitten, Converse, to the emergency vet the other day. Roo "pawed" him in the head.. somehow managed to cut his mouth, bust his nose and hit him in head so hard that it brought blood to his right eye. Needless to say, I was a wreck. Seeing all the blood pouring from his mouth and nose... and then his eye and face swelling, I thought Roo has accidently killed my new kitten. Thankfully, it looked much worse than it was. Today is Con man's follow up vet appointment. Today we should know if little man will be blind in that eye or not. I really really hope he's going to be perfectly a-ok! All swelling is gone, his eye is starting to look normal again, still a bit red though. So, I'll just keep my fingers crossed!

I have a to-do list that is a mile long, and no time to do it all! But, I'm at the point where I have accepted it. Is he REALLY going to pay attention to the house? Probably not.

I have my homecoming dress ready, jewelry, shoes and Photographer are all in check! What's missing? My Husband, my Sailor!

One day and a wake up and then I can say, "Been there, done that, got the Tshirt"

(This post is OPSEC approved seeing as the Military, the Navy and the Ship have released homecoming information to the public)

End of Deployment: Unaccomplished

It has been almost six months since my husband left.
It honestly feels like he just left, but at the same time- it feels like he has been gone for so long.
I think, "Where has the past several months gone?".

Now, I sit here and I'm trying to figure out what I have accomplished the past six months. I had so much planned to do- but as I sit here.. I can't think of anything I had planned to do that I accomplished.

Honestly, I can't even remember most of the goals I set for this deployment!

I wanted to get in shape, but I couldn't commit to a workout routine fully. Although, I'm proud to say I'm 2lbs from the weight I graduated high school at.. however, I do not have my high school graduate body. Then= toned, now... we'll just say not toned.

I wanted to make a quilt while he was gone.. But I never found the time to work on it. But what did I do with all my free time? I feel like I'm always busy! I'm always doing something. But have I been as productive as I have felt this entire deployment? I don't really know in all honesty.

I know that most of my time has been focusing on buying a house and getting it ready for him- having it all ready and done by the time he comes home. Ran into issues with closing and now we have to wait until he comes home to close. I'm able to go ahead and move in the place.. but for some reason, it's just not the same. I wanted to have it done. I didn't want him to have to do anything. I think more than anything it was to prove to myself that I did it.. and could do it. But now.. The months of work that I've done for us to be able to buy a house.. all the paperwork, all the emails, house hunting.. I almost feel like I failed and in all actuality... I've really accomplished a lot with this house stuff. And I really shouldn't feel like I failed because he's going to come home- sign one piece of paper and it be done with. I know he doesn't and won't see me as a failure.

I focused a lot on my photography as well as my tshirt business. I know they are both something to be proud of as well. Not to forget the modeling jobs I have done since he's been gone. I had started to feel that I was no longer good at it, I had given up- but the past 6 months have proven that It's not over for me yet.. Too many job opportunities telling me I have all the potential in the world right now.

I'm proud of myself.. but in a way, for some reason.. I don't feel like I accomplished near as much as I should have. He's busting his rear every day.. and I feel like I've just been having a grand ole time.. and Although I've had lots of fun this deployment, I would have had more fun with him here.

I feel like I let my heart condition slow me down some.. This deployment hasn't been stressful for me nor has it even been hard.. but now, he's homeward bound and I'm finding myself a bit stressed.

This is where I have to remind myself- this is where I've put so much on my plate to accomplish for his homecoming. I've put too much pressure on myself for it to be a perfect homecoming. This is where I need to listen to my husband and repeat his words to myself, "Baby, no matter how much plans get changed, our little homecoming will be perfect. I promise." Really and truly- he's right. I don't have to be super wife for homecoming to be amazing.

Before deployment= there's some stress.
During deployment= You get to relax and de-stress. You get use to being alone.
The final countdown= You stress because a. You worry about fighting when readjusting to being together again, b. you beat yourself up because you've made your to-do list way too long and things happen that take away from the time you should have .. etc.

I had so many ideas for homecoming.. and well, Plans change or just totally flip flop!

• Homecoming pull in duty
• Now he's coming home to make room for the tiger cruise
• can't close on house
• holiday weekend, movers are booked, closed or charge ungodly rates for the holiday
• Time sneaks up on you
• doctor puts you on a heart monitor for 2 weeks (still wearing it now!) 
• your chest is having a reaction to the pads.. and looks as if you have chemical burns on your chest
• you worry about how you're going to look on homecoming day due to the small blisters and irritation (eww)
• You buy 3 dresses, 1 doesn't fit right and the other.. well, It just it's a good dress for you aka you look horrible in it. Praying 3rd is a charm- should arrive in the mail soon.
• Still have to get moved, unpacked and house decorated- that's the main goal
• decorate for a surprise late birthday
• make treats and snacks to be ready when he comes home.

I can keep going and going and going.

Now, I look at my countdown.. sigh.
I want him home. I do.. But honestly, I think I might beat myself up if I'm unable to accomplish everything on my list.. if I have to show up at homecoming looking like I have a flesh eating disease on my chest. Wondering if I'm going to have to wear this monitor longer.. possibly having it on for homecoming even... And then, I'd have to show up to the airport looking like I have a bomb strapped to me.

Yes, looking like I have a bomb strapped to me walking into an airport to pick up a man in uniform may be a bit funny-- but only if you're not the one with the thing strapped to you. :p

And now, I have wrote a novel.. and I'm not even sure what it's about at this point! Being a failure? Time crunched?

He's homeward bound.. and now, I can officially say, I. AM. STRESSED.

Sloooow Down!

YES, I'm talking about deployment. I'm wanting time to slow down a little bit. Time is going by so fast that I can't keep up! He will be home very soon and I have SO much planned for him- for us and time is going by so fast that I can't keep up!

I'm anxious, excited and well.. FREAKING OUT!

Freaking out because we're about to close on our house, I still have  A LOT to pack, I have to schedule the movers.. then unpack and decorate in a matter of ___Days!

Yes ___ Days!  (Insert relatively low number in the blank!)

On top of packing, planning and moving.. I want to make a birthday surprise for him.. I want it to be PERFECT.. By perfect, I mean totally cheesy, over the top- and well.. so us.

I have bought him entirely way too many gifts, and I'm sure I will be buying more (I go shopping for me and only buy for him- go figure). Half of them are already wrapped in obnoxious "Happy Birthday" paper. I Have "Happy Birthday" balloons ready to blow up and throw all over the dinning room. I need to get obnoxious streamers.. and lord knows what else I'll end up doing for decor. I plan to have all the wrapped gifts on the table with all the pretty decorations around.. plus some sweet snacks. I've decided on making Cake Pops because they are totally awesome.

See, Awesome right?! Imagine them with a bunch of colorful sprinkles... Oh yes, I'm going to have a blast making them!

Then there's the bedroom I have plans for- but that's for a different blog/ giveaway to be hosted very soon!

Not to mention I have some kick ass ideas for homecoming signs I plan to put up everywhere around our new house- which he has yet to see aside from pics sent to him in email!

I have so so so much to do.. and a very small amount of time to accomplish it in. So days, Please slow down because I want to rock this first deployment coming to an end!

Oh how I wish I could just snap my finger's and it all be perfect. If I could do that, I would so hope that homecoming was tomorrow!

Before You Know It...

My husband JUST left.. that's how it seems. How can it be so close to homecoming? It's crazy.

Time has Flown this deployment. Very soon, I will be welcoming my amazing husband home.

Deployment day, I watched the ship leave. I watched the ship until I could no longer see her anymore. It disappeared in the distance. I thought, "This is it, deployment is official now". I had wondered how hard it was going to be. Wondered if I would be one of the sad girls.. even wondered if I would end up being one of those on Depression pills as another blogger had posted about me.

I'm proud to say- I'm not sad. I don't think deployment is hard (again, this is speaking about myself). I am most definitely not on any Depression or anxiety medicines [So, here's the middle finger to you Mrs. I don't know you but I'm calling you out on some bogus BS].

Deployment doesn't have to be a bad experience. You don't have to be sad, and miserable- no matter what the length of your deployment is. I'm obvious proof of that.

I didn't think that deployment would go this fast. Honestly, I thought deployment would drag on and most days would seem long. Man O'man, was I wrong. Deployment has flown by! Now, I'm having trouble keeping up!

People say, "It'll be over before you know it!". I've seen a few ladies get mad at the statement.. but you know what? Homecoming is almost here and now I'm running out of time to do all the tings I have planned for homecoming. It snuck up on me- Before I knew it.. BAM! It's seriously right around the corner!

Seriously, keeping busy and giving yourself relax days is definitely how to make time pass by! Good communication is key to making your relationship work through phone and email.

Now, I have insane butterflies. I'm getting anxious and overly excited. Someone says homecoming and I smile insanely big. I look at the countdown I have here at home.. and wonder, "Where did all this time go?!".  Where did May go? Didn't we JUST hit the halfway point?! We're almost there.

Now, I really need to figure out what I'm going to wear! If I end up on anxiety meds, it's going to be because shopping for a perfect homecoming dress is STRESSFUL! ;)