Let Me Be Your Hero Baby

Excuse the Enrique Iglesias plug in the title. It popped in my head, although I'm far from an Enrique fan, title is fitting for this post. (Side note, why do songs or artists you dislike get stuck on repeat in your head at random moments? Is this just me?)

So, the other day, my husband was able to watch The Avengers on the ship. My husband is a HUGE comic book based movie fan. You name it, he's seen it or will want to. Gua.ran.teed!

This was obvious of him as a child.

Some time after he watched the movie, he emailed me asking if I could get my hands on the photo of him when he was a kid dressed as Captain America. Evidently something is going on in his shop that he needs/ wants it for. The photo cracks me up. He's so little in the image, but to this day, he still has that same cheesy smile! I absolutely adore it. 

Thankfully, his dad was able to scan the print in and email it to me. 

My husband's dad also sent this image:

Batman is pretty much his idol to this day. He might just be a little obsessed with batman. I even sent him batman kid's undies for men last deployment as a little joke. He wore them and I'm sure pranced around in them in the berthing- he's a nut.

Never a dull moment.

Looking at these pictures, I cannot help but to smile. He grew up wanting to be a super hero, and here he is.. MY hero.

My husband is my hero. Not because he is in the military, but because he saved me. I was in a very dark time when I met him. I needed a true friend at that moment when I met him. My world felt like it was crashing down and I was extremely lost. That's when my Super Hero stepped in. He knew some of the things I was going through after a very short time of knowing me. He would make me laugh like I don't ever remember laughing. I was terrified to get into a relationship with him, and he knew this. He was so patient and never gave up on me. After a few weeks of us being inseparable, he wrote me the sweetest little note while I was at work. It said,

"I think you're beautiful inside and out. And one day, whether now or sometime in the future, I would like a relationship with you. I know you've been through a lot, but I want to be there for you, always."

And thankfully he was patient and even though I wasn't ready at that time, he waited and was there for me more than anyone ever was. I knew I wanted to be with him, but I needed to figure out some things and I didn't want my decisions to be influenced by him- not that they would have been bad decisions, I just wanted to make them solely on what I felt I needed to do.

After a while, I allowed myself to open up to him and we "Officially" started dating. We had been dating for almost a year and I was in another bad situation. A situation that I was scared of and he was scared for me with a roommate (a guy), who was an alcoholic. After a few instances and then one that put bruises on my arm, my Super Hero showed up and packed me and my dog, Roo, and moved us in with him. Almost 2 months later, he proposed to me. Two months after that, he married me.

There's more to everything than what's said here- but I would be a book if I went in more detail.

My husband, My hero.

We're Going Through Changes

I was bored with my old blogger layout. I thought it was time for an update seeing as it has been about a year or more since I updated the look of my blog.

I'm not quite done with it just yet, but I'm getting there.
Feedback is appreciated!

I will also be updating the Sponsor tab as my stats are SO much higher now. It's really neat to check up on my blog stats, but some times creepy seeing where some of the referrals come from as well as google search terms.  Also with my blog stats, I have found my blog was submitted to a top infertility blog site. While I think it's nice to see someone did this, I don't necessarily agree with it. I am not infertile. I can get pregnant no problem.

Changing subject.

I have several blogs running in my head. So many I find them getting mixed up in my head. I really need to start writing down my blog thoughts as I have them. I guarantee you I would have a blog post up every day, even if the post is very random thoughts.

I have started eating better, again. This time I plan to stick with it. I spent $98 on Fruits, Veggies, Chicken, Turkey and Fish yesterday. I'm VERY picky when it comes to fruits and veggies, but I forced myself to purchase all sorts of good stuff that I don't particularly care for. So far so good!

For Breakfast, I make smoothies. This is where the fruits and veggies I don't care for come into play. When I blend them in a smoothie, you can't taste it! You'd never know there was cabbage in it (Thank you VitaMix!)
For lunch, I try to stick with nothing but raw fruits and veggies. No meat or any dips or dressings. I will drink water or if I'm looking for a little something more, I'll grab some organic milk.
For dinner the past two nights I have made steamed broccoli, carrots and onions with baked turkey breast.
Snacks are small fruits, mainly grapes because I haven't stomached the courage to grab the berries yet. Yes, I do not like any berries. Sad, I know.

Oh how I love me some Turkey! I usually only eat it at holidays, but not anymore. It's in my regular eating routine now! I HATE onions, but found yesterday when I steam them, I really like them! I surprised myself (go me!). I attempted a cherry tomato tonight (gag) and well, I still don't like them. It's a texture issue. So, looks like I will be making a few different soups with them- completely liquidizing them just so I can say I ate tomatoes. Did I mention I'm determined? Yes, I am very motivated to stick with this.

So, what kicked my butt into high gear? My husband has been gone for 2 months and I saw a picture of him with his division. He left here weighing 175 pounds and wasn't much muscle (post and pre deployment laziness). I expected him to loose weight like crazy similar to last deployment, but I was wrong. He has been working out everyday and drinking protein.. my not so muscly husband is well.. all muscle right now and hasn't dropped weight. So, he's out there bulking up and getting in shape and I thought if he can do it on a ship, I have no excuse here at home.

So, Eating healthy plus getting back into a running routine, I plan to prove to myself I can do this. And when homecoming rolls around, I want his jaw to drop. It will happen.


And if I need any motivation, I watch this:

Source: youtube.com via Christina on Pinterest

 CLICK IT!

I have no excuses now. Watch the video, it will inspire you.

Just Because He's Deployed Doesn't Mean I'm Single

I could go on several different tangents with the title, but let's see if I can say on target with what's flowing through my head at this moment.

When your significant other is deployed, it's typical to let the negative in and let out a vent. I say go for it. However, really think about it first. You don't want to say something you might regret later or something you don't really mean.

When you're in a relationship with a service member, it cannot be about the physical relationship about 90% of the time for some of us. You must work on all things about your relationship that are not physical.

I don't like when I hear girls say, "I hate feeling Single". You shouldn't feel that way. If you focus solely on the lack of a physical relationship, you're going to slowly detach yourself. Never say you feel single. You still have a relationship to devote time and effort to. Personally, I think long distant relationships can be the BEST thing.. but only if you let it.

Focus on the more important things. Communication is key to a strong relationship- both in a Long distant relationship as well as a relationship that never separates you. In a long distant relationship, your communication may be tested, but you can build on it. Take this time to learn new things about your significant other. Start a "New" relationship with him, take this time to write silly little love notes (email, letters, carepackages). I guarantee you the distance can be beneficial.

Deployment for me and my husband helps test our communication skills, but it also helps us because we have to try harder to feel connected. Communication helps put the US in trUSst.

Just think about the positives. Take a breather and relax.

The Back-Up Plan

Here's what I have learned tonight.
It's smart to go into a marriage with a Back-Up plan.

I have also learned that if you go into your marriage with No back-plan you are uneducated, dependent on your husband, are "dumb", oblivious to the "Real World".. etc. [insert another uneducated judgmental comment here]

*Takes chill pill*

When I said, "Yes, [husband], I will marry you!". I wasn't thinking, "Oh shit, I need a back up because we may get divorced down the road". That, to me, is like keeping divorce papers in my top dresser drawer just in case I change my mind. Horse shit is what that is. Excuse me if you disagree, it's one of those blogs- my beliefs.

When the husband and I got engaged, My thought process was eternity, DEATH do us part. The dreaded "D", and by "D" I mean Divorce (although Death isn't something I like to speak of either!), was not a possibility. It is STILL not in my thought process nor is it something he and I toss around for shits and giggles.

Divorce isn't an option. We don't believe in it. Does that mean things don't happen? No. However, WE went into our marriage believing in our relationship 100%, no doubts. We do not believe in divorce. So, thinking I needed to have a "Back-up plan" before saying, "I do" is just silly to me.

Ok, because I didn't set this back up plan, I'm a.)dumb; Considering how far I've come over the years, the things I've accomplished and the things I have overcome- I know I'm far from "dumb". b.)oblivious; I'm well aware. And I know my relationship and I know I don't need a "Back-up plan" to ensure I'm taken care of in ANY situation. c.) Dependent; That made me chuckle. A dependent gal who who runs 2 businesses as well as has a part time job, plus volunteers with various organizations. I believe I can handle my own.

Need I say more?

I'm far from a dumbass. I'm actually quite successful according to my personal definition of "Success". I would much rather focus on my relationship and staying positive within my marriage rather than focus on the Negative and the thought process of making plans for divorce.

I didn't enter my marriage thinking, "There's always divorce". I didn't get married expecting a divorce. I went into my marriage- and to this day, have 100% faith in my marriage. Through the good times and the bad, my Back-up plan IS MY MARRIAGE- my husband.

"Smart" it may be to have this so called, "Back-up plan" for some, I don't need a "Back-up Plan". My "Plan" is to focus on my Marriage and not on myself, not on the what if's, and surely not on divorce.

Clique Clique.. BOOM!

One thing that makes deployments challenging for many military wives is the cliques that tend to form. I believe it's natural, it's normal for people to form groups they rely on, count on, trust and consider close friends.

Where it's hard for many is feeling like those groups are not open to meeting new people or adding them to their close nit group of friends.

If you're new to a particular lifestyle and noone reaches out, you feel like an outsider. Some people just aren't outgoing enough, maybe they are shy, or just scared. If noone reaches out to that person, they are left feeling alone.

Sometimes cliques form and the clique as a whole is shy, or doesn't know how to approach others. It's not always a case of them shunning a particular group or person, but just like some individuals.. it's a comfort thing.

Sadly, there are groups that form to belittle people, be full of gossip and hate. You see it a lot at FRG functions- with the members, not necessarily the board. These are the groups that are poisonous to an FRG and to a community in it's entirety. I believe these are the groups that make people feel left out or bring negativity to the term, clique.

I don't see myself as "Cliquey". Yes, I do have a handful of friends I tend to hang out with the most, but who doesn't? However, I'm always open to meeting/ friending new people.

Moving to Virginia after my husband received his first set of orders, I was alone. I didn't know anyone in my area, and I hadn't a clue how to get in touch with the FRG. And believe it or not, I was extremely shy. I realized real quick I was going to have to step outside my bubble to meet new people. It wasn't that people were not willing to meet new people, it was the same situation as myself, it's sometimes challenging to be thrown into an area where you don't really know anyone.

If you run into a clique that is unaccepting, bullies, etc., just consider it friendship you do not want to begin with. You do not want to be in a group like that anyway, it will only drag you down. No one wants to be part of the "Mean Girls".

The FRG is a great place to meet new people- sometimes you just need to realize that sometimes people are just like you and are waiting for you to approach them. Even if people seem like they "belong to a clique" doesn't mean they are not willing to accept new friendship. Just don't judge too quickly. Give it a chance. Take a chance. 

Baby Blues

I know people don't do it to rub it in my face or to say, "Look what I have, don't you wish you had it?!", but when I see an over abundance of baby talk, it hurts. It hurts a whole lot, especially tonight.

Yes, my husband and I.. well I, was okay with not trying for a baby until after deployment. But, we got pregnant again, and lost our baby, again.

Every time I see a baby, every post about being pregnant, about being a mommy and how great it is, when you lost your baby just a couple weeks earlier.. feels like a stab in the heart.

I'm happy for everyone who gets to experience it. I really am, but I'm jealous too. But being happy doesn't mean I'm not still hurting. A smile doesn't mean that, on the inside, I'm not falling apart. I'm pretty good at masking my emotions, but tonight.. I just can't. I can't hold it in anymore.

Sometimes it sucks working on a computer, because when I take a break, it's easy to turn to Facebook for a quick chat with a friend. I even really enjoy reading my News feed every now and then. It's just hard When I pull up Facebook and see several posts about pregnancy being so amazing and how there's nothing better in the world than being a mommy.

I thought I was better, I was doing good. I still felt some anxiety from it all... but I was better, until tonight.


I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Never.
Even though it would still hurt, I would rather NEVER be able to get pregnant than to suffer even one miscarriage. It's the hardest and most emotional thing I have EVER been through. Not to mention how bad it hurts.


It's the last thing I want to do, but I find myself asking God why? Not only that, it makes me question God, is he even real?
Right now, I have it in my head that only someone so evil could put me and my husband through this more than 5 times and the doctors tell us they don't know why. Don't tell me God has a reason for everything, because right now I truly feel anger for him. I just can't help it and I hope it passes fast. It's not a good feeling and I hate feeling angry. I know I'm just angry with God because he's the easiest to blame, other than myself. I think I've done enough blaming myself. I don't like feeling angry, especially when I don't know what or who I'm angry with.

Right now, I feel my blog is my only outlet. It's too hard to talk about everything face to face with someone- I just can't do it.
It's the one thing that can bring me to tears faster than anything. Maybe a handful of people have ever seen me cry. I cannot stand for someone to see me cry. To me, about myself, crying is a sign of weakness. I don't feel that way when I see someone else cry, but I feel that way about myself. My husband has hardly seen me shed a tear in the 5 years we have been together.

I just don't understand how some low life crack whore can pop out 10 babies and not want a single one of them, and I, someone who would love, care for them and guard them with my whole life has it all taken away.

I just want a reason. Someone to tell me WHY. The doctor's ran some tests, 8 1/2 hours of tests and all they can say is they have NO clue that everything looks normal and "good" and they don't have a clue as to WHY. My husband wants to wait until he's home before we start heavy testing to see if the WHY can be answered. Honestly, it scares me. I'm broken, Can I be fixed? So many, What ifs. So much confusion. So much anger.. too much of everything.

I find it hard to see the positive right now, and for me.. that's odd because I can find the positive in every situation I have faced. I've always been able to say, "It will happen", and now I even doubt myself saying that.

I have never been full of so many mixed emotions in my life.

If You're Not a Military Spouse, We're not Friends

Are there Really people like that, Referring to the title?

I surely hope not. 

I was recently told a friend thinks that since she is no longer going to be a military spouse, that I don't want to be friends with her anymore. Which is far from the truth. 

My husband's JOB is not my social status. I don't care what your husband's job is, it does not factor in to me wanting to be someone's friend. 

Do I have pride in the fact that my husband is in the Military? Yes, but I share that same pride for my family who are serving and who have served. And, you don't see me saying, "Your brother isn't in the military, we can't be friends." 

Dumb. 

C'mon now, we aren't in grade school any more. 

I'm sure there are woman who are like this. I know there are girls who prefer military friends for the simple fact they "understand" more. But I am not one of those people. 

Honestly, I would love to be home with my friends who aren't military spouses right now. It's refreshing to be around friends who don't have the worry of this lifestyle or feel the need to talk about it, or deployment every time you are with them. I like the normalcy of it.

My husband's job does not define me. Let's just drop the "Military" from Wife. I am HIS WIFE- That is my priority, not to be a "Military" Wife. 

Getting back to Me

I'm trying to get better at this whole blogging thing. especially since I just noticed I was nominated for best military spouse blog. Seriously, that has made my day, my week, my month.. ya get my point. I'm a little giddy.

If you would like to vote for this blog, go to THIS LINK and click the "thumbs up" by the nomination for The Journey of a Navy Wife.

I figured I would blog a little while I have some Chicken Alfredo cooking up- I'm cheating, It's a frozen, bagged  dinner. I'm ok with that. I've had this stuff before (the brand slips my mind at the moment) and I love it. For $2.50 (they were on sale), I have dinner tonight and lunch (or dinner) tomorrow. Heck yeah! :D

Aside from the nomination, I had another HUGE pick me up today. I came home from work to a Canvas wrap I had ordered of my husband and myself. I'm in LOVE with it. Love Love Love LOVE it. 

Yes. I am in a much better mood today. :D

I think venting some (last blog) helped. I'm feeling MUCH better. 

Anyway, here is my AWESOME 24x36 Canvas Wrap I ordered for above mine and my husband's bed:

I haven't told my husband about it yet. I don't plan on it either. He can just see it when he comes home! :D

I have decided I'm not going to tell him about a lot of my little "projects" and doings around the house. I want him to be surprised- Ok, I want to think he'll be surprised. But I know he won't pay attention to any of it because he's been gone for so long, looking around at all the new, and the old that has been redone is going to be the last on his mind. I mean.. I purchased a house last deployment, and he came home to it like he had been here for over a year. He wasn't focused on anything but me and the bed... and that was because he was tired. You have a dirty mind. 

I feel like I have an insane amount of free time... and what's crazy, I really don't. I have my photography that I do full time as well as my graphics business.. PLUS I picked up a part time job at a clothing store to keep even more busy. Where is all this extra time I feel like I have? 

I guess I'm just not busy enough, which I know is far from the truth. I think after being limited so much last week, I feel like I'm in overdrive now to make up for all the time I was being required to "take it easy". 

So, here's to getting back to "ME". The happy, smiling, nauseatingly positive ME.

OH, for my bloggy friends: I'm going to try to make it to the conference this year! Yay! :D

Again, If you would like to vote for this blog, go to THIS LINK and click the "thumbs up" by the nomination for The Journey of a Navy Wife. ;)

The Incredible Edible Egg & an Update

Thank you so much to everyone who reached out after my last blog. Your comments are really helping me through this tough time. 

I'm physically feeling tons better. I'm up and moving around and getting back into the swing of things. We're still working of getting a grasp of everything. It's a bit of a roller coaster. It's one of those things, I don't want to talk about it unless it's on my terms. 

I feel like there are so many who don't understand, they know NOTHING about what I'm going through mentally and physically, but yet they want to tell me what I should be doing. It's something that can very easily anger me. The anger is something I need to work on. It's just one of those things, if you don't know anything about it- if you haven't went through it yourself, don't tell me what I NEED to be doing or that I'm dumb for not doing something. Just shut up. If you can't be understanding, don't talk. Please, because I don't need to be pushed. It's one of those things, I'm at the point that if I'm continually pushed, I won't want you in my life anymore because I have a very bad tendency to hold grudges. It doesn't matter who you are or how close we are. Just don't.  I think it was a long time coming that I said that. 

Miscarriage, unfortunately, is so common. For some, peace is brought by talking about it. Others, it's easier not talking about and for those like myself, I find comfort talking about it on my terms. Which is why I have turned to my blog to do so. It's my outlet and how I find the easiest means to channel my emotions. 

I will get there. Again, Tough Times Never Last. Repeat, Tough Times Never Last. 

Okay, now for something fun!

On Pinterest, I found a pin about Hard boiled eggs from the oven! Seemed fun, so I thought I would try it! I would link the pin, but I failed to pin it and cannot find it now. So, maybe I'll come across it and add the link later. 

Photos from my Instagram, follow me! @journeyofanavywife

So, here's what I did:

• Preheated oven to 325
• I placed my eggs in a muffin pan (easy to put in the oven and take out, but you can put them straight on the wire rack)
• Baked them for 30 minutes
• Removed them from the oven and allowed them to cool
• Peeled them (surprisingly they peeled with ease!)
• Ate them. 

They actually tasted pretty good! If I make them again by baking them, I will flip them about 15 minutes in. There were some brown spot on the eggs, and inside the shell on the side that was placed down. I think the side that was placed down was slightly over-cooked. One egg was a tad bit rubbery on the darkened side. 

To me, it seemed like far less of a hassle baking them than boiling them. Other than the one egg with the rubbery spot, they tasted no different to me than boiling them.

 It was fun trying something new! 

Tough Times Never Last

Didn't deployment just start?

I know. I know it did. The past few days are just dragging.

Today is one of those days where I just wish my husband was home. Okay, the past few days have been like that. I don't find deployment hard, however, sometimes things happen and you just want your husband there with you through it. Some things you just don't want to go through alone or without them.

I guess I'm going to open up about my weekend. I've been avoiding talking about it to everyone because, well, it's not something I can talk about easily nor is it something I like talking about. This post may be a bit TMI, but I'm going to force myself to talk about things. Maybe it'll be good for me.

Friday evening I wasn't feeling too great. I was sluggish and was having stomach pain. I wasn't having cramps, but stabbing pains throughout my abdomen every now and then. To top it off, I was very nauseous. I talked to my husband via email and we both made the decision that if it continued to morning I would go to the doctor.

Saturday I was awakened by what I had almost thought was me peeing on myself. I ran to the bathroom to discover it wasn't pee. The pains in my stomach were double what they were the night before and I was having some awful cramps to go with it.

I emailed my husband to let him know I was going to the doctor and not to worry.

I ended up being in the hospital for more than 8 hours. Come to find out, I was pregnant. My husband and I had suspected I was, but wasn't 100%. I had taken an over the counter pregnancy test earlier that week, it had a faint positive line, but I know many tests if you tilt them in the light a certain way you see what you believe is a positive line. It was also too soon for me to really be able to test. So, I went to the doctor. I had a blood test done and they told me they would call me with the results in a couple days. Before I even received the results, I was in the hospital finding out I was loosing my baby.

They were also concerned about my Gallbladder and my Appendix, as some of the pain was coming from areas higher than expected from a miscarriage. So, while enduring all the other tests, I had to have an ultrasound for my gallbladder as well as a CT of my abdomen. Thankfully, they found no issues or cause for worry.

They tried to find the cause for my miscarriage, and came up empty handed. Everything appears to be good. My Cervix sits a little far to the right,  but the doctor said it wasn't cause for my miscarriage. He said as far as he could tell, my Ovaries are in good shape as well. It just doesn't make any sense to me. My husband and I have had multiple miscarriages and noone can explain to us why my body rejects a baby every time.

Anyway, After more than 8 hours at the hospital being poked, hooked up to an IV and more, I was finally released to go home. My husband had emailed me saying he was going to call me, he was granted permission to use the Office phones as it was considered an emergency (meaning he didn't have to buy a $20 phone card to call me). He's always so strong for me. But I know him, inside it's killing him. It's so hard for him to be away from me, especially when he wants to be here to take care of me. I received an email from him when he should have been asleep, just letting me know he was thinking about me and couldn't sleep. He wanted to make sure I was okay. I can't imagine how hard this really is for him with being so far away.


I know, it will happen when it's meant to be- I think people say that in hopes it makes you feel better. Coming from someone who has been told this MANY times over the past few years- It doesn't. It actually pisses the person being told that off. Just for future reference for anyone.

Another thing, Don't say things the person should have done or shouldn't have done. If you have ever gone through something like this, then you know it's not the easiest thing to go through by far and we do enough blaming ourselves as it is.

That's where I'm at right now. Blaming myself. Any reason to make this my fault, I've silently said it to myself. Feeling like I'm worthless, broken and to blame- All of it.

I've been through this more that once. It doesn't get easier- If it was easy, you wouldn't be human. This time is actually hitting pretty hard. How do you register the thoughts, "You are pregnant" and "You lost your baby." at the same time? If you have the answer, let me know. It's seriously confusing and screws with your head.

Oh, to top it off.. I received a call from my regular doctor today. Yup, "Your results are positive, you're pregnant.". Meh. Thanks Doc.

It's hard right now, but like everything else, I will get through this. One day, I will have a baby- Either by a pregnancy with me, a surrogate, or adoption. One day. And when it happens, it will be the greatest thing to have ever happened to myself as well as my husband.

Tough times never last. Tough times never last. Tough times never last.

I'll just keep repeating that to myself. Positivity and strength beat it all.