Worthy as Our Daughters- My Military Mom

The other day I was talking to a good friend. Someone whom she trusted had taken had convinced her to do something against her better judgment. She would have never done it on her own but he knew which buttons to push and leveraged the situation to his advantage.

My friend was angry with him but also, and perhaps more, upset with herself. I couldn't see where she could find fault in herself. He had known so much about her and had been a trusted friend for so long that anyone might have made the same choices in her position.

I've noticed that women are more apt than men to take on more of their fair share of blame.  It’s sometimes why we stay in emotionally, physically or financially abusive relationships far longer than we should. It’s sometimes why we accept less than we deserve at our jobs and in our families. It’s why women account for most of the self-help book purchases.

“When a woman has a problem, she immediately blames herself” said BJ Gallagher, an author and genders studies expert, in a Forbes’ article.

I do this all the time. There’s a continuous nagging voice lecturing me. “well if you’d only done this better“, or if you had just thought to do that“, or the old standby, “it’s all your fault”.

I’m so fed up with this constant self-flagellation, it’s exhausting and emotionally draining to be constantly turning blame back on myself.

I finally asked myself, what would I tell my daughters if one of them were in my shoes? I would never read to them the script that goes through my own head. If they were in the exact same position as I, I would never assign nearly the same amount of blame to them that I do to myself.

If we women could see ourselves as precious and as wonderful as some of the children we love the most (it doesn't have to be your own daughter) we could free up so much anguish and pain.

So, to my cyber friends, I promise I’ll try to give myself a break if you will too. The next time we start our self-blaming script let’s remember that we are as worthy as our daughters.

Cay Smith writes the blog MyMilitaryMom.com
She is one bad mama-jama Army wife who tells it like it is. 
Check her out on:
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Let her know you found her through thejourneyofanavywife.com and be sure to keep coming back as MyMilitaryMom.com will be a regular guest blogger!

thredUP April discount

Sara, a Navy wife and mother, emailed me an awesome deal for my followers!

In honor of military children this April, thredUP is offering thejourneyofanavywife.com readers with a special 20% discount!
thredUP is an online kid's consignment shop with stylish "like new" items from popular brands like Gymboree, Tea and OshKosh! Prices start at just $3.99!

So, stretch your dollar and stock up with this awesome deal!

 Get 20% off your next purchase on thredUP by using promo code: APRILKIDS at checkout.

 *Offer is one time use only.  Expires 4/30/13. Cannot be combined with any other offer.  

Personally, I have not used thredUP, but I will be doing a review with/ of them soon!

Enjoy!

Guest Post- MyMilitaryMom.com

We can easily lose our independence being married to the military. Our lives, our jobs, our finances and even where we live are suddenly and almost solely dictated by our spouses’ career. Slowly and subconsciously we begin to refer to each other as the wives or husbands of Sgt. So-and-So or Capt. What’s-His-Face. We date major life changes by what duty station we were at when they happened. Even our primary form of identification refers to us as “dependent.”

We can easily fall into a pattern where the people we shop, eat, exercise, live, and hang out with are almost exclusively associated with the military. It begins to seem as though our entire identities, schedules and lives are dictated by the whims of the Pentagon.

I didn't realize this had happened to me until I found myself crying on the floor of my closet on the phone with my mother blubbering, “I could have been somebody!” My wants and needs had been overtaken by those of the Army for so long that I no longer knew what they were.

I did eventually find out who I was within this self-contained world of the military but it took me years. I first tried to stuff myself into it, then I tried to distance myself from it, nothing worked until I realized that I needed to find what made me happy, what made me want to get out of bed in the morning independent of whatever the Army needed or wanted from my family.

Of course, military spouses aren't the only people prone to losing our independence or sense of self but I think we are probably more at risk than almost any other group. It is important that we acknowledge the potential for disaster and find ways to mitigate the problem as early as possible.

I always encourage newbies coming into the military family to immediately find something that is theirs and has absolutely nothing to do with their spouse’s jobs. Learn a new skill or language at every new duty station, pursue a transferable career (real estate is a popular choice), start an online business, or whatever else appeals to their sensibilities; claim something for themselves. Having our own pursuits helps to keep us sane and is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves and our families.

Cay Smith writes the blog MyMilitaryMom.com
She is one bad mama-jama Army wife who tells it like it is. 
Check her out on:
Facebook  Twitter Pinterest
Let her know you found her through thejourneyofanavywife.com and be sure to keep coming back as MyMilitaryMom.com will be a regular guest blogger!

Finding my Identity

Image credit - Google

Lately, I feel as if the current situation my husband and I are in is identifying myself, my husband and our marriage. There have been tons of struggles over the past few months and now, I'm working on finding my Identity.

Who am I?

You'd think at 26 years old I would be able to answer that easily. But no, I'm wincing as I write this trying to figure it out.

I don't want to be defined by something so negative. "Oh hey, That's the wife of the guy who drank a bottle of Vodka on the ship and drove home and destroyed Christmas."- That's how I feel some people look at me, how some people define me.

I know, I know. I shouldn't care what people think. I have been taught to not worry about what others think of me, but realistically, at some point... I believe we all worry what everyone thinks.

I am smart, but sometimes I don't make great decisions. I am trusting, too trusting at times, but when you break it, it's almost impossible to earn my trust back. I vent through writing and sometimes say things I shouldn't or I post before I really cool off if I'm heated. I wear my heart on my sleeves and I can easily have my feelings hurt. I'm opinionated. When I have a belief, I won't back down. I'm a fighter for the things I love.

... I am a fighter.

I fight for my marriage, I fight for myself. I won't give up.

I. Keep. Going.

That is what I see in myself right now. I will never give up.

Screw what anyone else thinks, even if sometimes it may bother me. I'll keep going, I won't give up and in the end, I'll be better. Maybe then, people will say, "That girl's a fighter".

I received a phone call from my husband. He was told of an assignment he was given and he said he refused to do it. The assignment was stupid and he said no.

The assignment?

He was supposed to call me and say, "I got kicked out of the program". He was then supposed to take my reaction and report back to his group about it.

Thank you SARP, you officially pushed me a step back. You wanted to play a sick and twisted joke with something that ranks high on the list of, "biggest fears"... Yup, up there with killer clowns. Assholes.

Thank God I married a man that wouldn't do that to me. He said he couldn't do that to me, couldn't purposely hurt me or make me cry.

Realistically, that's what would have happened, I would have been hurt, likely a lot of tears and I'd be angry.
Had this of really happened, I would be angry with my husband, severely. I  WE need this program to be successful.

Now, I just feel nauseous.
I want off this roller-coaster.

Forward March

Image Source: google.com via Sally on Pinterest

The response to my last post was amazing. I honestly didn't expect all the comments, messages and emails I received. It goes to show how great of a community the "military family" can be.

To those of you who have wrote to me about being in a similar situation, keep your head up. I completely understand the roller-coaster you're so desperately trying to get off of.

Just know, if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to email me at christina@journeyofanavywife.com. If you are looking for a group to be apart of, see if there is a local Al-Anon group near you. Al-Anon is a group focused on those of us who are affected by someone else's excessive drinking. I also suggest Fleet and Family for those of you whose spouse is Navy or Marine Corps. I have always heard negative reviews about Fleet and Family, but my experience with them is and has been great. It's good to talk about it, and know you're not alone.

This was never part of the "Journey" I saw myself writing about. But you can't change what happened, so you use what you've learned to help someone else and teach yourself to move forward.

Now, we're dealing with the emotions of rehab and what's to come. My husband seems to be doing well with everything. He is definitely ready to be home. Although I am ready for him to  be home, I worry of a relapse. I know it is possible. I know I will need to trust him, but that trust is very broken when it comes to alcohol. It's important to talk to your significant other about this too. Although, he will likely already know your trust issues with his drinking.

Because my husband and I know it's going to be hard to adjust again, and I'm building that trust back with him, we've decided to do counseling together when his in-stay rehab is completed. We know trust and communication is going to be key for both of us and we want to continue to bring each other closer through all of the ups and downs of this process.

For those of you struggling, always remember you can not force them to quit. You can wish for it, hope for it and want it so bad you can't stand it, but the only way it is possible is if they want to quit. Only then will any sort of rehab truly be successful. Sadly, it sometimes takes something happening for them to want it.

Someone who is addicted honestly doesn't believe they are. To them, they don't have a problem and could stop if they wanted to. Truthfully, sometimes they can't stop if they want to because they want it all they time, they crave it. It's an addiction. If someone was to call them an alcoholic, it would upset them. With my husband, he'd get his feelings hurt if his friends would even joke about him being an alcoholic. If I mentioned to my husband about his drinking being a problem, he would get defensive and angry.

First step for them is admitting they have a problem, follow that with seeking help.

Many people don't see how it affects the family (spouse, kids, etc). It's emotionally draining. For me, it was like emotional abuse, as in I was just so emotionally beat down from the constant drinking and with it feeling neglected, alone unloved and worthless. Sometimes the drinking would cause my husband to say hurtful things, and even today some things said repeat in my head like a broken record... even though he has absolutely no memory of saying any of it.
This is why it is important for you to have someone to talk to about YOU and how his alcohol abuse is affecting you. It's hard to forgive and talking to someone could get you there, to fully forgive him and build yourself back up.

Keep going. Don't give up. Take baby steps and March on with your head up.

My Husband Has an Addiction: Answered Prayers

Many have asked where I've been hiding and what's been going on. I've been keeping quiet for a reason because some things are not meant for public judgement. 

After talking with my husband tonight, he told me to talk about what's going on. He has come to grips with the truth and he is WE are growing from our situation, together. Every situation can have a positive.

In December, I wrote this:

Trapped
You don't have to be an alcoholic to be trapped by alcohol. I don't even care to drink, ever, and I am trapped. It consumes my life, it is sucking the life out of me.  

When you love someone whose life is consumed by alcoholism, you stick by their side. You hope for change; you hope for help. And in the time hoping for some relief, you drag yourself to the bottom with them. You don't even realize you've hit rock bottom until you're there. You don't see a way out and you begin to feel the life you're struggling to make it through day by day is the only one you'll ever know. You can look at the situation from the outside and say you'd leave, but would you? You can't judge unless it is your relationship. 

You tell yourself it will get better. You find reasons to hold on to hope. You convenience yourself you need to stay because you feel obligated to help them. You end up blaming yourself, finding reasons as to how or why it is your fault.  

You feel trapped. 

I've allowed myself to be dragged to the bottom because I love someone so deeply who has an alcohol addiction. I hope this is the bottom, I can't see it getting much worse. 

The consequences of his alcohol abuse does and will affect me. My husband is a wonderful man.- Sober. I'm not sure when or how his addiction actually started, I just know it progressively got worse. It was like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde; he was two different people. He would do things, and say things he didn't mean and wouldn't remember them the next morning. He would hide alcohol, and couldn't stop at a limit. 

This all does seem to be a wake up call for him. I hope I'm not being naive in thinking it is. He has asked his command for help, and I truly hope he means it and I hope they give it to him.  

I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. Yet, I still find myself trying to be positive for him. Honestly, after how I was treated when he was drunk this last time, I should have left. I just can't give up on him. I feel that if I give up on him, I'm giving up on me. I said for better or worse, and this is "for worse". I won't give up on him and turn my back on my marriage. I love him too much to walk away.  

Maybe this is God answering my prayers to help him; to help me.

 My husband has had issues with Alcohol for quite some time now, for the majority of our relationship, but it was never uncontrollable or more than I could handle. During our most recent deployment, I knew it was becoming worse. He would spend hundreds on Alcohol during port calls, and sometimes be too drunk to get in touch with me. When he came home, it was like a huge port call to him. Drinking was an every day thing, causing lots of tension between he and I. I would work 8 to 10 hours a day and come home to beer bottles everywhere and my husband passed out from drinking too much. Once, I thought he was dead. I was so frantic when he wouldn't wake up and even felt for a pulse, but because I was shaking so badly, I felt nothing. I smacked him, yelling, "Please wake up!". Thank God he woke up.

We decided to stay in Virginia for Christmas. We said we needed the time together. He found out he was going to have Duty on New Years, so rather than taking Christmas leave, he took New Years leave because he wanted to go to a New Years party. This meant he had Duty on Christmas Eve. He had been drinking excessively up to Christmas Eve. He promised he wouldn't drink for Christmas Weekend. He left for duty and wasn't supposed to be home until Christmas morning.

Christmas Eve night, he drove home. He walked in the door and he couldn't walk straight, couldn't look straight and his uniform was ripped. He reeked of liquor. He was so drunk he was convinced he was sober. I was angry, but I refused to show it because I knew it would spark an argument. Drinking and driving is something I'm severely against, and something that really gets under my skin, especially after I lost my best friend in 2008 just after she turned 18.
He could sense I was upset and decided he needed to go back to the ship; He wasn't supposed to have left the ship (nor drink) in the first place. I told him I would take him back and he started to get upset, so I took his keys. He was in no shape to drive and there was no way I was going to let him. Things got ugly from there and eventually, a friend came and took him back to the ship.

Some time during all the chaos, he lost his military ID. By the time he got back to the ship, he had already forgot everything that had happened. He emailed me to ask if I knew where his ID was, after being escorted on the ship. Honestly, I ignored his email.
A few hours later, extremely early into Christmas morning, he emailed again. He had started to sober up and they were telling him what had happened and how much trouble he was in. He was a mess and apologizing. I didn't respond to that email either.

Early the next morning, his Lieutenant called me. He asked how I was and asked about everything that happened at home. He then asked if I wanted my husband home or if I wished for him to remain on the ship. My husband was now sober, I wanted to talk to him, so I gave them permission to release him.

He came home to the mess he created and absolutely lost it. He didn't remember anything, he was just seeing the aftermath and the strain he put between us. He broke down. For several days he just stayed in bed. He wouldn't eat, he'd just sob. 

He asked, "Why are you still here? You deserve better.". Yeah, I guess a lot of people would leave. But I know who he really is and he was overcome with a disease called alcoholism. So, I told him the truth, "I love you. When we got married, I said for better or worse. This is a worse. I know you, and when you drink, you are not yourself. I believe in you and I'm not giving up on you. I'm not giving up on us.". 

When someone says, "Alcohol brings out the true person someone is" I believe that to be the biggest crock of poo. My husband has many personalities as a drunk and you never know which one you will get. Sober, he has just one and, to me, is one of the greatest men alive. 

My husband did get in trouble with the command. And thankfully, because of his hard work and dedication along with his good conduct record up to that point, his punishment wasn't as severe as we had expected. Honestly, we thought he was going to get kicked out. It was the most terrifying thought. 
He had to go in front of the disciplinary board on February 12. We didn't know what would happen from there, they said they'd let him know within a few days. The next day, he had to go to the XO and before that found out he would be going to Mast. He was honest with the XO and because of that, the XO said that he would speak with the CO about being lenient. 

He wasn't told a Mast date, but Valentine's Day, I came home from work to a dark empty house. Empty as in he wasn't home. Thankfully, I was able to get in touch with a mutual friend from his division and he let me know. His first class was supposed to call me, but to this day.. never heard a word. Thank goodness for the mutual friend to let me know what was going on. 

My husband was given a 15 days restriction as well as $850 was taken from this month's pay (youch!). He spent 15 days on the ship, with no contact with me (with the exception of a few emails). Straight from Restriction, he was sent to rehab, where he is currently until the first week of April. 

Rehab is for 35 days. I get to see him on Sundays for a few hours. We don't get to talk much at all. He is constantly bouncing around from class to class as well as AA. 

Some people have said how strong I am for staying. But I know that some people see me as weak for not leaving. I don't know that either category pertains to me, nor do I care what category I fit into. I do know that the past few months have been hell; stressful, emotional and draining. But I can gladly say there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

It's not about being strong or being weak to me. To me, if something's broke, and fixable... fix it. I prayed and prayed for him, for help for him. God answered my prayers. It definitely wasn't what I had in mind when I prayed for help, but God delivers. 

Forget the hurrying, just wait

The last post I wrote about my husband receiving orders was months ago. Well, here we are, March 4, 2013 and he still has yet to receive orders.

Then, I was in panic mode. His chain of command told him he'd be going to shore duty, and he was to report in April. However, they never told him where he'd be reporting to. April was less than 6 months away when he told me he'd be getting orders and as far as we knew, he'd be going to Fallon, Nevada. I didn't know if I needed to start packing, not knowing if I should start preparing to list our home for rent, and not knowing if I should look for a place to rent in NV. I was clueless. I was doing a whole lot of hurrying and even more waiting.

Now, I give up on the when and where. Next month is April and he hasn't heard anything as to if he's even still going to shore duty or when he'll be transferring to anywhere. At this point, if he receives orders to leave next month.. it looks like I'll be hanging back a little bit to get things done and I'll meet him wherever the Navy takes him.

Through all of this, I have definitely learned there is no point in panicking over the waiting for his orders. There's nothing you can say to change them, and there is no point in getting all revved up in hurrying to get things done. Chances are, he could get orders here again. 

So, continue on as if he never said, "We could be moving in April". Forget the hurrying, just wait. 

I Walk The Line

You have a blog. You created your blog to vent, to share your experiences, to show people the positives, and with the blog you're welcoming people to view your life.

When you publicly blog, sometimes boundaries need to be set. There's a line you walk and parts of your life you don't want to share with the world. Many things stay private and I believe many things should stay private.

From day one, I had set boundaries. There is a line I wouldn't cross, and that line being I would never write a blog that would portray my husband and/or my marriage in a negative way, UNLESS.. the situation turned into something positive that he and I both could learn from. I also set limitations on how personal I would get when talking about my husband, what he does, etc.

I created this blog as an outlet, but also as a way to share my experiences of being married to a man with a career in the military. To show that this lifestyle can be fun and it doesn't have to be negative as everyone portrays it. Today, I feel like I'm walking the line; Bottling up something I feel the need to talk about, which is Navy related but also crosses the line of being one of the many things that should probably remain private.

If you're wondering why my blog has been "quiet" lately, there is a lot going on on the homefront. It's a bad situation that has ultimately turned positive, but it is a battle for my husband and it's not my story to tell. I feel if I was to talk about how what he is going through affects me, I would feel a weight lifted off my shoulders, and potentially have advice for someone else. However, it is too personal when it comes to my husband and his job.

For now, I feel I have nothing to blog about... I take that back, nothing I can blog about.

Hanging Basket Storage- Not Just for the Bathroom!

I have a million projects going on right now. For once, I'm actually blogging about one! AND I somewhat documented it with my handy-dandy iPhone. I've seen a million photos on Pinterest of hanging baskets on the wall, mostly used in a bathroom. Well, most of those photo links lead to dead links and no explanation, etc. Nothing gets under my skin more than a Pinterest link that leads nowhere. Well, one thing irritates me more, not having an outlet in my bathroom.

I live in an older home built in the early 50's. Sad story, many of these homes weren't built to have outlets in the bathrooms. Honestly, that's one of my biggest pet peeves about this house. The next house we purchase WILL have outlets, lots of outlets in every room- NOT connected to light switches (back on track now..). Because I have no outlet in my downstairs bathroom, and I refuse to use one of those screw-in light fixture adapters to have an outlet in my light socket. Because I refuse to make my light socket about my mirror look ridiculous with the adapter, I'm forced to do my hair in my bedroom, a small bedroom with no room for a vanity.

This is how my hair necessities are were stored:

To me, this is a cluttered mess in the corner of my room. I hate having things in the floor like this.

I have a small space of wall behind the closet door and the the connecting wall. What I thought would be perfect to hang a couple small baskets. My challenge was to find small baskets that were my definition of cheap and that were cute. Baskets are expensive! And I love love LOVE baskets. But I will typically thrift for them. 

For some reason today, I got an itching to just get out of the house. I decided to go hunting for baskets. I went to the Navy Exchange, they just didn't have anything that stood out for me. Everything was too big or not aesthetically appealing in my eyes. So, I went to Wal Mart. I loathe Wal Mart, but yet I'm always there. Today was no different, it was a fail. I walked out empty handed. I decided to try target, but went in with the mindset of anything I would find to fit what I saw as "perfect" in size and style would be "expensive". 

I stepped into the aisle with baskets and I saw them. They were cute, perfect size and even had a pretty liner in them. I expected them to be about $10 each and almost didn't even pick them up. But to my surprise, they were only about $5 each. The baskets cost more than I would typically spend, only because I'm thrifty, but $5 per basket still was "Cheap" considering how perfect I thought they were. 

Then I realized I needed some sort of hook. I don't trust the hooks that have the tape on the back. I've never had any luck with them. I need some sort of small hook that would be nailed into the wall. I found hooks which were too large and I was getting a little bummed thinking my project was not going to get finished today. I happened to walk by frame hanging hooks. After studying the different sizes and style, I grabbed a simple Heavy-duty frame hook pack. It was a 4 pack, exactly what I needed for only about $2. 

For about $12, I walked out with everything I needed for my project! Score!

Are these baskets not cute? And those who know me, or follow me on Instagram, know they are so.. "ME". When I got home, I grabbed the leveler, a pencil and a hammer and I dove straight in for my project.

First, I marked the wall for the first basket's hooks, one for each end. Then, I nailed the hook to the wall. The nails were somewhat of a pain in the rear to hammer in on my textured walls because they go in at an angle. But, I figured it out and somehow kept the two hooks level! Go me! After I got the first set of hooks up, I stretched part of the weave on the basket to easily, but tightly, fit over the hook. I check to make sure my basket was level, jumped up and down out of excitement and started on the second basket. 

After I admired my work, I filed the baskets with all my "junk". Guess what! They are still level, so I think I did a good job! Woot!

Now, I feel like my bedroom is fully organized and I don't have that little clutter spot bugging me!

I hope you find this as Pinteresting as I did! Do you see what I did there? ;) 

always a nerd.

Follow me on Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/mrscrush/