End of Deployment: Unaccomplished

It has been almost six months since my husband left.
It honestly feels like he just left, but at the same time- it feels like he has been gone for so long.
I think, "Where has the past several months gone?".

Now, I sit here and I'm trying to figure out what I have accomplished the past six months. I had so much planned to do- but as I sit here.. I can't think of anything I had planned to do that I accomplished.

Honestly, I can't even remember most of the goals I set for this deployment!

I wanted to get in shape, but I couldn't commit to a workout routine fully. Although, I'm proud to say I'm 2lbs from the weight I graduated high school at.. however, I do not have my high school graduate body. Then= toned, now... we'll just say not toned.

I wanted to make a quilt while he was gone.. But I never found the time to work on it. But what did I do with all my free time? I feel like I'm always busy! I'm always doing something. But have I been as productive as I have felt this entire deployment? I don't really know in all honesty.

I know that most of my time has been focusing on buying a house and getting it ready for him- having it all ready and done by the time he comes home. Ran into issues with closing and now we have to wait until he comes home to close. I'm able to go ahead and move in the place.. but for some reason, it's just not the same. I wanted to have it done. I didn't want him to have to do anything. I think more than anything it was to prove to myself that I did it.. and could do it. But now.. The months of work that I've done for us to be able to buy a house.. all the paperwork, all the emails, house hunting.. I almost feel like I failed and in all actuality... I've really accomplished a lot with this house stuff. And I really shouldn't feel like I failed because he's going to come home- sign one piece of paper and it be done with. I know he doesn't and won't see me as a failure.

I focused a lot on my photography as well as my tshirt business. I know they are both something to be proud of as well. Not to forget the modeling jobs I have done since he's been gone. I had started to feel that I was no longer good at it, I had given up- but the past 6 months have proven that It's not over for me yet.. Too many job opportunities telling me I have all the potential in the world right now.

I'm proud of myself.. but in a way, for some reason.. I don't feel like I accomplished near as much as I should have. He's busting his rear every day.. and I feel like I've just been having a grand ole time.. and Although I've had lots of fun this deployment, I would have had more fun with him here.

I feel like I let my heart condition slow me down some.. This deployment hasn't been stressful for me nor has it even been hard.. but now, he's homeward bound and I'm finding myself a bit stressed.

This is where I have to remind myself- this is where I've put so much on my plate to accomplish for his homecoming. I've put too much pressure on myself for it to be a perfect homecoming. This is where I need to listen to my husband and repeat his words to myself, "Baby, no matter how much plans get changed, our little homecoming will be perfect. I promise." Really and truly- he's right. I don't have to be super wife for homecoming to be amazing.

Before deployment= there's some stress.
During deployment= You get to relax and de-stress. You get use to being alone.
The final countdown= You stress because a. You worry about fighting when readjusting to being together again, b. you beat yourself up because you've made your to-do list way too long and things happen that take away from the time you should have .. etc.

I had so many ideas for homecoming.. and well, Plans change or just totally flip flop!

• Homecoming pull in duty
• Now he's coming home to make room for the tiger cruise
• can't close on house
• holiday weekend, movers are booked, closed or charge ungodly rates for the holiday
• Time sneaks up on you
• doctor puts you on a heart monitor for 2 weeks (still wearing it now!) 
• your chest is having a reaction to the pads.. and looks as if you have chemical burns on your chest
• you worry about how you're going to look on homecoming day due to the small blisters and irritation (eww)
• You buy 3 dresses, 1 doesn't fit right and the other.. well, It just it's a good dress for you aka you look horrible in it. Praying 3rd is a charm- should arrive in the mail soon.
• Still have to get moved, unpacked and house decorated- that's the main goal
• decorate for a surprise late birthday
• make treats and snacks to be ready when he comes home.

I can keep going and going and going.

Now, I look at my countdown.. sigh.
I want him home. I do.. But honestly, I think I might beat myself up if I'm unable to accomplish everything on my list.. if I have to show up at homecoming looking like I have a flesh eating disease on my chest. Wondering if I'm going to have to wear this monitor longer.. possibly having it on for homecoming even... And then, I'd have to show up to the airport looking like I have a bomb strapped to me.

Yes, looking like I have a bomb strapped to me walking into an airport to pick up a man in uniform may be a bit funny-- but only if you're not the one with the thing strapped to you. :p

And now, I have wrote a novel.. and I'm not even sure what it's about at this point! Being a failure? Time crunched?

He's homeward bound.. and now, I can officially say, I. AM. STRESSED.

Learning During Deployment

I've been told that Deployment makes you experienced- or "know more" about being a Navy wife- or military wife in general. That somehow 10 deployments means that they know more about deployment than someone going through 1.

What is there to learn about deployment, not about the military.. but actual deployment? You're not going to learn all the ropes to "military life" just because you've been through mulitple deployments.

Talking with a friend last night.. to us, If you're an expert at deployment because you've been through so many- just means you've learned over and over how to live alone. You're an expert at being alone.

I guess deployment can teach you patience. It will show you what homecoming's like.. but really- What has someone who has been through mulitple deployment have on someone who has been through or going through one? Time- More time alone. That is it really.

So, when someone says "come talk to me after you've went through two deployments to say you understand.. etc" I'm pretty sure it doesn't even take going through a deployment to understand that deployment means that you're "alone"/ without your husband. It's the older wives way of "one upping".

Everything else about military life can be learned without even having to face a deployment. You don't have to go through a deployment to know about PCSing... You don't have to go through a deployment to learn to read an LES.. You don't have to go through a deployment to know there is a homecoming at the end of it, to learn about OPSEC, about the bases, the FRG, etc. It can all be learned with Never going on a deployment.

Deployment is his or her job that separates couples and families for long periods of times. It challenges you to do things you would typically do together- alone. It can teach you patience, waiting. It can teach you good communication. Deployment will show you that the "old dogs" aren't always the most knowledgeable but you let a "youngster" come in that has asked questions and has learned about "military things" before even going through a deployment... then they are a "know it all", or should I say, "MrsThinks she knows it all". And some of them feel they are better merely because they are older.

They may have been around longer- but it's clear that not all of them know better or more. Learning isn't just through experience. The best way to learn for some is  by asking questions, and wanting to learn about it.

Honestly, what has this deployment taught me or shown thus far? Facebook is the devil for catty older wives, It has taught me even more about my amazing relationship with my husband. I learned the term, "Boat Boo" in addition to what I've always heard people say "Boat hoe". I've learned that the last weeks of deployment really bring out some individuals true (fake) colors. So, Really.. deployment hasn't taught me anything, it's shown me a few things.. but teaching wise- deployment has nothing to do with that. The only thing I will learn, is to stop being so nice to people and experience a homecoming. Everything else, I could learn without deployment, and able to learn things without being associated as a military wife for many years. There are wives that have been associated with military less than I have and have learned more than I have the same way I have- reading and asking questions (Kudos to you!)

Deployment, is just that... deployment, him doing his job and giving you the challenges of doing everything he helped you with, alone. You don't have to be a military wife to gain that knowledge either.

Sloooow Down!

YES, I'm talking about deployment. I'm wanting time to slow down a little bit. Time is going by so fast that I can't keep up! He will be home very soon and I have SO much planned for him- for us and time is going by so fast that I can't keep up!

I'm anxious, excited and well.. FREAKING OUT!

Freaking out because we're about to close on our house, I still have  A LOT to pack, I have to schedule the movers.. then unpack and decorate in a matter of ___Days!

Yes ___ Days!  (Insert relatively low number in the blank!)

On top of packing, planning and moving.. I want to make a birthday surprise for him.. I want it to be PERFECT.. By perfect, I mean totally cheesy, over the top- and well.. so us.

I have bought him entirely way too many gifts, and I'm sure I will be buying more (I go shopping for me and only buy for him- go figure). Half of them are already wrapped in obnoxious "Happy Birthday" paper. I Have "Happy Birthday" balloons ready to blow up and throw all over the dinning room. I need to get obnoxious streamers.. and lord knows what else I'll end up doing for decor. I plan to have all the wrapped gifts on the table with all the pretty decorations around.. plus some sweet snacks. I've decided on making Cake Pops because they are totally awesome.

See, Awesome right?! Imagine them with a bunch of colorful sprinkles... Oh yes, I'm going to have a blast making them!

Then there's the bedroom I have plans for- but that's for a different blog/ giveaway to be hosted very soon!

Not to mention I have some kick ass ideas for homecoming signs I plan to put up everywhere around our new house- which he has yet to see aside from pics sent to him in email!

I have so so so much to do.. and a very small amount of time to accomplish it in. So days, Please slow down because I want to rock this first deployment coming to an end!

Oh how I wish I could just snap my finger's and it all be perfect. If I could do that, I would so hope that homecoming was tomorrow!

Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater..

Answer me this, WHY get married if you can't stay committed to your marriage?

And please, don't anyone tell me that "Cheating doesn't mean you're not committed to your marriage." That is utter bullshit. If you're committed to your marriage- to your relationship... You are NOT going to cheat.

There is no justifying cheating. It is never okay to cheat. If your significant other cheats, it doesn't mean it's okay for you to cheat too. Two wrongs definitely and most obviously don't make a right.

Cheating is selfish. Cheating always hurts someone.

If you can't stay faithful and COMMITTED to your relationship- Leave. Grow a pair, be an adult and get out of your relationship. You want to be with someone else and also stay with your SO? Well, you can't always have your cake and eat it too.

Reverse the roles. Do you want to be cheated on? Does anyone ever really want to be cheated on? C'mon, noone is honestly going to say, "I would love to have the person I'm dating/ married to to cheat on me". Seriously?

If you're offended by this post, then quite honestly.. You probably shouldn't read my blog because we surely don't share that much in common as far as Morales. We can never be friends. I refuse to associate or be friends with someone who is going to cheat on their spouse.

I know deployment is hard for some. But Cheating?
"I didn't mean to, it just happened". Bullshit. If you feel tempted- why in the Hell would you put yourself in a situation to where it could happen? Own up- you suck, end of story!

If you feel "Lonely" and you need company- Go to Fleet & Family- or the like for your husband's branch. GET HELP. OR just tell your significant other that you can't handle a long distance relationship and that you need someone catering to your physical needs all the time. Because isn't that what it really is? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE OTHER NOT BEING THERE PHYSICALLY.

Again, If you cheat. You suck.

That's my take on it.

Before You Know It...

My husband JUST left.. that's how it seems. How can it be so close to homecoming? It's crazy.

Time has Flown this deployment. Very soon, I will be welcoming my amazing husband home.

Deployment day, I watched the ship leave. I watched the ship until I could no longer see her anymore. It disappeared in the distance. I thought, "This is it, deployment is official now". I had wondered how hard it was going to be. Wondered if I would be one of the sad girls.. even wondered if I would end up being one of those on Depression pills as another blogger had posted about me.

I'm proud to say- I'm not sad. I don't think deployment is hard (again, this is speaking about myself). I am most definitely not on any Depression or anxiety medicines [So, here's the middle finger to you Mrs. I don't know you but I'm calling you out on some bogus BS].

Deployment doesn't have to be a bad experience. You don't have to be sad, and miserable- no matter what the length of your deployment is. I'm obvious proof of that.

I didn't think that deployment would go this fast. Honestly, I thought deployment would drag on and most days would seem long. Man O'man, was I wrong. Deployment has flown by! Now, I'm having trouble keeping up!

People say, "It'll be over before you know it!". I've seen a few ladies get mad at the statement.. but you know what? Homecoming is almost here and now I'm running out of time to do all the tings I have planned for homecoming. It snuck up on me- Before I knew it.. BAM! It's seriously right around the corner!

Seriously, keeping busy and giving yourself relax days is definitely how to make time pass by! Good communication is key to making your relationship work through phone and email.

Now, I have insane butterflies. I'm getting anxious and overly excited. Someone says homecoming and I smile insanely big. I look at the countdown I have here at home.. and wonder, "Where did all this time go?!".  Where did May go? Didn't we JUST hit the halfway point?! We're almost there.

Now, I really need to figure out what I'm going to wear! If I end up on anxiety meds, it's going to be because shopping for a perfect homecoming dress is STRESSFUL! ;)

Home is Where YOUR Heart is

"Home is where the heart is". Where is YOUR Heart?

For some, it may be their hometown, wherever their mom and dad are, where their kids are.. Or like me, Where their husband is.

My home is wherever my husband is. My husband has my heart, completely. So I guess you could say, "My heart is on the Enterprise". But also thinking about the subject, my heart is here. Here in VA, even though he, my husband, is thousands of miles away.

Why in Virginia? This is where OUR home is. This is where we are together, this is where we live. Anywhere I am with him, is HOME.

I may still refer to Tennessee as Home, but really- it's not home anymore. Tennessee is where I grew up, where I met my husband, were we were married... etc. It was home in the past, it may be home in the future. But for now, Virginia is home. It is where my husband and I are currently making a home.

But that's more on a physical standpoint. But what is "Home" to me emotionally..

Home to me, isn't just about Where we live really. Home is where he and I are together. "Home" to me is a feeling. Feeling complete, feeling comfortable, feeling warm and feeling loved. My "home" isn't complete right now. A big piece of the puzzle is missing. Although I know I have his heart, his physical presence is missing, leaving my home incomplete.

Where is home to you? What defines home in your eyes? What makes your home complete?

Dear 16 Year Old Me

This video really makes you think.

Halfway there!

Friday night was USS Enterprise halfway party. No, that does not mark the exact halfway point of deployment, marking the exact halfway point would be a violation of OPSEC.

I had a lot of fun. It was very well planned. The food was pretty good- although, the servers took the food away way too soon (this gal likes to eat!). The cookies made up for it though ;).

The FRG planned it wonderfully. Something like 50 items were donated for door prizes (I donated 6 items- 3 shirts from CRushGFX, A Print of the Ship and a Free session from Christina Rush Photography, and Sailor LEGO Keychain made by Boxhounds from this website, The Journey of a Navy Wife). I am unsure who all one my donations, but I hope they all enjoy them! I won a $25 giftcard from Lowes- which works out perfectly since we are closing on our house next month!

The gals and I danced the night away, just let loose and had fun. Great conversations, lots of laughs and me dancing like a chicken. Yea, I can't dance.

I broke it down to "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice- Yeah.. That I can do. I then dedicated "Jump On It" to a friend, and we got out there and did the Carlton dance. We had a blast.

Of course, I took a break to email my husband from my phone while catching a water break. Telling him about the party some and about winning the gift card. I'm sure he got a good laugh out of some of the emails.

A few friends had a little something to drink (alcohol) and they made the night even more amusing. I can't count how many times I was laughing so hard that I couldn't breathe!

They played a shout out video from the ship- it was nice. My husband wasn't in the video, unfortunately- but that's ok. He emailed me right around the same time the video was playing.. so We emailed back and forth for a bit.

We stayed at the party til about Midnight. We then decided it was iHop time. We went, ate and chatted. Before we knew it.. it was after 2. I was exhausted. I dropped off the gals and I headed home. I got home a little after 3am. I hit the bed and was out. I slept pretty good that night!

Now, We're getting closer to being with our loved ones again. We're on the downhill slope of deployment. We've got it on Cruise control, and it's going to be here before we know it. Get out, have fun.. and things will just fly by. They have for me! Seems like he just left, but he'll be home soon.

Here's a few pics!

Before the dress and before the party

All dressed up- Dress I purchased from Goodnight Moon! (Thanks Amber!)

I love this woman!

Hi! (Yes, completely sober- I don't drink!)

Dancing to "Ice Ice Baby" Old school!

One of my Absolute BEST friends!

Some of our group for the night

It's Deployment, You're REQUIRED to be MISERABLE!

It's becoming more clear to me that during deployment you are expected to be miserable. It is a requirement. It seems to be Politically incorrect to be Happy.

I say {earmuffs} FUCK that!

Being happy, being independent is OK. And DO NOT let ANYONE tell you otherwise- Do NOT believe that you have to be miserable every single day of deployment, that every day that your Significant other is away you have to be curled up at home crying your eyes out. You DO NOT have to be depressed, and sad. You CAN be happy.

Deployment isn't about being sad. Your S.O. is doing a job for Months away from Family. YOU have the ability to make yourself happy. Deployment has no ability to make you happy nor does it have the ability to make you depressed. YOU DO. It is up to YOU.

YES, being away from your loved one is HARD. NO ONE said it was easy. BUT HOW you deal with it can either make it harder on you or easier. I CHOOSE to make it easier on myself and easier on my husband. If I were making myself miserable every damn day- do you think the time apart is going easy to deal with for you? Better yet, what about your service member? He (or she) has ENOUGH to WORRY about with his/her job! The last thing they need to be worrying about is your Mental state of being, or worrying about if you can take care of yourself.

Well guess what! I AM HAPPY. I Choose to be happy and make the best of my time apart from my husband. He is PROUD of me for making my day to day life run as smoothly as possible- and his.

IF someone happens to tell you that YOU'RE supposed to be miserable.. or that because you're HAPPY that you are a "Slap in the face to those who are weak". Know that they are making themselves miserable. They choose to attempt to belittle you because they have it in their puney little brains that you HAVE to be miserable during deployment. Guess what. YOU CAN BE HAPPY. It IS a choice.

Winner Winner!

I was supposed to announce the winner on Thursday. However, I got sidetracked (it happens a lot!).

So, Today.. Right now, I am announcing the winner of the Sailor LEGO Keychain from boxhounds.

And the Winner is.... {Drum-roll please}....

Alyssa!

(Alyssa, I will be emailing you shortly!)

If you weren't the lucky lady from the USS Enterprise halfway party last night to win the Sailor LEGO keychain, or you're not Alyssa- Check out boxhounds to get yours today!